#NerdsUnite: An afternoon spent babysitting my inner child
<editorsnote> Hi again mom and dad. Please don't read these posts. It's me processing and has nothing to do with you or our relationship. I appreciate and respect your understanding my boundaries. =) W00t! 143 </editorsnote>
Hi friends.
This year has been extremely eye opening. I kept thinking over and over for the last three years in launching this brand that if I just got thhhaaatttt much further, or if I was able to get to thiiisssss place I would finally feel "fulfilled" for lack of a better word. Last summer, when I did in fact hit a career high that "further" place became the present moment and I felt like shit.
I was smacked with the reality that I had to start seeking balance in my life. I had given up too much of myself to this brand, and to the outside world in general at too great of a price. I even built this business around a coping mechanism I had as a child!! Since I didn't have friends growing up, my only option for peer to peer communication was through the internet. I also wrote voraciously every night in my little journals processing all of the things I couldn't understand that were happening around me. I was SO SICK of having everyone "feel sorry" for the way people treated me that you just get to a point where you shut it all off. If I smiled and didn't process the feelings I was rewarded for "being the bigger person."
FTR, a child should NEVER be the bigger person.
You can't change the cards you are dealt, but you also can't hide from these feelings forever. I'm 28 and even my parents didn't know how much all of this still bothered me and how much it affects almost every relationship I have in life.
I do love my parents very very dearly, but I vehemently disagree with a lot of things that occurred when I was a child. At my age now, my parents had a 6 year old, a 4 year old, and had already been married for 8 years. They were EXTREMELY EXTREMELY loving growing up and outwardly affectionate not only to themselves but to my brother and me, however, they constantly tried to fix something that very honestly was never going to work. I can't say looking back objectively that I would have known what to do either, but as to a child to be picked on by adults that you're biologically related to so RELENTLESSLY is ... unacceptable. Even if my own brother (whom I am extremely close to) spoke ill of my children, or favored one or the other - I wouldn't even bat an eye at creating distance. You. Protect. Children. At. All. Costs. Period end of sentence. I was extremely sheltered as a child physically, but emotionally I spent so much time in a state of confusion. Just because your immediate homebase is loving doesn't mean as a child you are prepared to deal emotionally with less than kind words spoken to you elsewhere. I HATE HATE HATE that domestication calls for children to "respect their elders." I will raise my children to only respect their "elders" if they themselves are being respectful to the children.
I was put down CONSTANTLY on birthdays/holidays, made fun of at school ... my parents would just say that kids were "jealous" of me, but it was bullshit. I couldn't understand at that age why kids would want to be smart since it only meant you got picked on. I internalized everything which caused an inner monologue that no child should experience. I stressed out all the time trying to fit in, and would manipulate my personality to appease whomever I was around. That of course never works, but it doesn't mean you don't try. I went through 13 years of emotional abuse before my parents finally decided to cut off all contact. Thir.teen.years. By the time everything was said and done, I was already this little adult that learned to flip this switch on the inside and turn a very warm heart extremely cold. Based on my genuine character, I could NEVER harm another soul verbally or physically, but when that switch went on everything just rolled right off of me. I thought I was becoming a "stronger" person, when the reality was just the opposite.
The day of my grandmother's funeral last year was one of the most difficult of my life. I was asked to not attend the services because of the family discord. I still.to.this.day.do.not.agree.with.that.decision. Clearly it is all said and done, but instead of being allowed to process what I was feeling and mourn I was once again asked to be the "bigger person" and think about everyone else.
I reached out to the guy I was dating(and whom I very much fell in love with) as to not be alone, and he informed me that he was with another woman for the entire weekend.
In my writing I always try to find some humorous twist as to again avoid anyone feeling "sorry" for me, but I can genuinely say that was one of the lowest moments of my life.
I hurt and cried from this place and this ... hole ... that I forgot was there. That hole, of course, isn't really a "hole" it's my inner child.
I've known this emotionally and spiritually for a few months now but going down the "therapy inner child path" made me want to stick forks in my eyes. Having one of my abusers be an extremely acclaimed psychiatrist makes me naturally a bit hesitant to follow anything a shrink has to say, but I have learned to let those walls down and speak from the heart and not the ego. My ego wants me to "be strong," my ego wants me to "get over it," but I can't run anymore. If I don't process this I'm not going to EVER have a healthy relationship, be able to be a good mom, and an authentic person. My LIFE depends on this!!!!!! No buts about it!!!
I'm over half way through with "The Drama of the Gifted Child." It is the second time I have read it, but the first time things have actually started to sink in. The combination of now spinning every day is centering not only my mind, but my body ... and also allowing all of this "gunk" to finally get stirred up. I cried this morning in spin class. I have no idea over what, or why, but I allowed it to happen. The vulnerability and expression in that moment really moved me. I didn't analyze the tears, or yet again hide behind the guise of intellectualism. Like the book reminds you to do, I just ... felt it. Children don't sit there and question why they experience the impulses or emotions they do, they just express them!! If you're taught to shut all of those off, you begin to deny yourself of not only an authentic life, but it bubbles into depression.
I have to, have to, have to, get all of this out. Just because I am successful professionally doesn't mean I can hide behind that curtain anymore and pretend like things are always okay. Some days they are, some days they aren't. My job isn't to focus on either, but allow them to all just be.
I am grateful though to all of the loving self care I provide for myself. I've now not only gotten my car back, but am getting my own 1 bedroom apartment with MY OWN THINGS!!! To have been so nomadic and all over the place for so many years, to be laying down roots feels GREAT!!! Dudes, I go to the gym every day to disconnect, and spend an extra hour just enjoying all of the luxuries the spa have to offer. I've never felt or looked more composed in all of my life. My 5 year plan does have a handful more professional notches I'd like to reach, but the majority of it is all personal. I'd love nothing more than to get married, have my own children, and hopefully be a strong, loving leader to them. It's INSANE btw how much reading that book has sparked so much of my maternal instincts. I very genuinely do picture myself as this child again and being in that state is freeing and also tremendously foreign.
I'm not sure how much of this entire journey I can document without further perpetuating a coping mechanism, but today feels good. This is authentic, and I am finally listening to this little being inside of me that just wanted SO DESPERATELY to be heard.
I'm listening Jenny. I'm actually listening.
#thatisall
Oh yeah and ...
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