#OpenLetter: They call it love, love, love
I keep writing out the first sentence of this post, and then immediately deleting it. I've been sitting here now for about 20 minutes and I just keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting. Instead of hiding that fact though, I decided to instead allow it to breathe in the creative process.
How very Zen.
Sigh, I can't help it - I am very very very much in love. I've been in love actually for almost two months. It was COMPLETELY accidental, and COMPLETELY unexpected but I can't help it and if I don't admit it I am going to go mad.
I'm actually fascinated by this btw, because men are REALLY picking up on it. In TWENTY SEVEN YEARS on this planet I have never EVER been approached by so many men. At parties, walking down the street - every.where.i.go. I look exactly the same, haven't changed hair, makeup, nothing - the only thing that changed was my energy vibration. I have this ... openness ... that I don't think I've ever experienced before. (Even my shaman picked up on it.) This person came into my life in an EXTREMELY unexpected way yet I know because of him I am literally a changed person.
He knew it immediately when we met. He LITERALLY got down on his knees and said he had to know me. FTR, a grown fucking man getting down on his knees is a VERY powerful thing to experience as a woman. ESPECIALLY since it was in the middle of a party!!!
Our first date was extremely extravagent, but my most favorite part was when we actually just got to talking at Caesars palace right before our flight.
We bonded after that, and he even fell asleep on my shoulder on the way back.
I never do that, he admitted.
I smiled for the entire cab ride back to Hollywood.
How is it I just spent all of this time with this person, yet I am GENUINELY sad to be no longer by their side??
I push people away.
I'm very very very good at it, in fact.
It's all still part of residual energy I have been working on from my youth but how can you blame the brain for having such powerful defense mechanisms to prevent hurt again.
In a very literal sense, I can't handle being around people for that long without going a bit nutty. He intuitively picked up on it a few times asking if I wanted to listen to my music. This is a first, I thought. Men normally take it personally, this guy is allowing me to just be.
This I like.
I craved to be next to him for that entire next week, and by our second date I KNEW I was a goner. We were sitting on his couch and I vividly remember looking him in the eyes and having this overwhelming feeling that this was "different." For someone that literally makes a living dating, "different" is something I don't experience often.
I knew I was not only into this guy but that I was genuinely falling in love.
It freaked me out at first honestly, but his radical honest nature made it all the more easier.
THEEENNNNN, shortly after our third date, he tried to end things.
I remember sitting next to him at the bar as he started crying telling me we couldn't keep dating.
That entire experience taught me the true meaning of the phrase "gut wrenching."
That was such a horrible day.
I never spoke ill of him though, nor did I say anything in anger or resentment - I just kept asking, why? I obviously see from his side that us dating in any capacity makes ABSOLUTELY no sense. He is more than a decade older than me, very private - here I am 27 bright eyed and bushy tailed known around LA as being a man eater.
He pushed me away, but I was still willing to accept it if it was truly what he wanted. I might not have understood why he was doing it, but I truly did love him and if he thought it was for the best, what else could I do?
I was still at the end of the day super happy that I met him and super happy to have at least felt something like this in my life after desensitizing myself by serial dating.
(Serial daters btw don't actually realize they are serial daters. You can't ever call a serial dater a serial dater.)
I then had an insanely wild adventure in Vegas but had lunch with him an hour after I got back.
I remember waking up in the pool of my own puke, but knowing and I mean KNOOWWINNNGGG that I was going to do WHATEVER it took for me to get back to LA on time.
I.
Had.
To
Keep.
My.
Lunch.
Meeting.
He meant so much to me, and for him to take this time and talk to me - I knew it meant he still cared and that was all that mattered.
Lunch was spectacular.
I held his hand, and my body quivered.
It wasn't a quiver of lust as has been with the majority of men I have been with - this was this ... comfort. This recognition of a home base. He's my charging station if you will.
I still wasn't exactly sure though about what everything meant, but again, I was just willing to go with the flow not wanting to not have him in my life.
We've been dating ever since and I've never felt something so intimate in my entire life. We still haven't had sex, yet I have actually stopped watching porn because I have a new kind of creative mojo.
<tangent> I never got that before, btw. People would say how bad porn was and that there was nothing to it. I've always been like, DUDE, it's fucking PORN!!! How is this NOT amazing!!! Naked people! YAY!!!
Yep, I get it now. </tangent>
He does things to my body on such an intimate level. It's so so so powerful and visceral.
I've been in love before, obvi, but this is the very first time that I'm comfortable and confident enough with my own self to not seek a label on it.
I do not do not do not want to change him. He will always be a flirt and is a very expressive man in general. That attracts me to him, actually.
Either way, I can't stop gushing about him and I can't stop thinking about him.
Dudes, I even drunk dialed him last night at his request. FTR, I never EVVEEERRRRR drunk dial. Not that I have anything to hide, I'm actually a very happy little drunk, but I get terribly embarrassed by it.
More of my guard has been let down, I thought.
I used to think that people who wanted to be in relationships were weak. Why do you need another person? I would think. How is that not a sign of dependence?? I don't need anyone, ever! I can support myself spank you very much!!
Because of this person I have actually learned it is the exact opposite. I was weak for never letting anyone in. The reason why I pushed people away was rooted in fear. This is love and on a very literal level, men are RESONATING with it!!!!
Love is the meaning of everything. Funny how you can have it tattooed on your wrist and still forget.
BUT FTR, yes I am still dating. I am being extremely genuine when I say that I am settling down soon. I am more than ready (even changing my number to negate the booty calls). If it's with this person, awesome sauce - if not awesome sauce!! Life is meant to be lived and people come along for a myriad of reasons. Gotta get all NSYNC and maintain "no strings being attached."
There is so much beauty in genuine appreciation.
So. So. Much. Beauty.