#Fact: If slapping myself worked - I'd already be doing it
I need to snap out of this ... this ... funk.
I'm an incredibly expressive person, so everyone around me notices it, and it makes me uncomfortable. Even having to be honest with this audience and be public with this depression also makes me very uncomfortable.
It's one thing to be sad, it's another to be sad and so fucking public!!!
As I've admitted for the last week or so now, for the first time in 3 years I feel completely unfulfilled.
I've been working RELENTLESSLY towards these goals of mine, and after actually accomplishing one of my big ones - I felt like poop. I thought success would feel so much better than this. I GENUINELY did.
I then went through my bliss, and have actually crossed all of the items off my list (minus volunteering but that's due to their scheduling). I'm SO proud of this brand and I'm SO proud of this community - but you guys are literally all that I have. I've fortunately mended the relationship with my family in the last year, but falling off the grid like I did was a jolt to my friends. Even my very best friends that I had before this site don't exactly know how to relate to me now that I am so different. I have one very old friend (known her since I was 12) but everyone else that I am friends with is involved in this site somehow. I need to change that.
I need to change my fucking life, man. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. That is LITERALLY the scariest thing ever for me. In 27 almost 28 years, I've never not known what to do.
I know I know I know I need to cultivate deeper relationships, but what are the next doable actions in that process? I'm definitely an emotional person, but I'm genuinely missing that "chip" that makes me want to organically connect with people. I've noticed I don't do it in dating, but I DEF do it in friendships. My friends will only call me when something has SEVERELY gone down and they want help, but I'm not someone people just call to "chat." I'm just their "go to" when the shit has hit the fan.
The notion of just "chatting" with people doesn't exactly seem thrilling, but this is what normal people do. It's just hard not having close friends for the majority of my life and then to now be almost 30 and to have to reprogram everything. I SWEAR everything that makes me killer in business slays my personal life. Now that I realize even business isn't fulfilling me the way that I wanted it to - it makes me want to cry.
Now what? I wonder
Dudes, I even sat in gum during lunch today ... albeit I am grateful that I could AFFORD lunch, it was still a doug downer.
I'm freaking going to the official VMA after party tonight. SUPER FREAKING FANCY PANTS and even that isn't getting me excited or jazzed. It's like meh, more of that.
Normally when I get in funks like this I isolate, cutting myself off from the world retreating like a turtle, but seeing as to the fact that that isolation is what got me feeling like this in the first place ... me thinks it's not a good idea.
I'm always around people. People people people. If I sit at a bar or eat lunch by myself someone will NO doubt come up. I'm now working out of io/LA and I'm around people during the day. I go to all these super fancy parties and all people want to do is talk to me ... all these freaking people, man yet I feel like a politician.
Smile, nod, shake hand, maybe take a picture.
Smile, nod, shake hand, maybe take a picture.
Rinse and repeat.
That's not an authentic existence, it's shiny things meant to make you feel special. For the record, shiny things will NEVER make you feel special. You make you feel special based on sharing both your bliss and personal expression with the people you care about.
How did I get so caught up in things like this?
The happiest I've ever been in the last 3 years was when I was just traveling around writing literally without a dollar to my name (most of the time sleeping on the beach). Thank GOD I'm spending next week in SF ... I neeeeeeeeeeedddd to get out of LA for my soul. I need to figure this out, man.
Either way, thank you all for the wonderful invites out this Saturday. I am instead of dating going to go dancing. Dancing feeds my soul - and my soul very much needs to be fed right now.
I need to be traveling more on a regular basis. HMMMMMMMMMMMM ... time to find a sponsor. =) =) =) NEXT DOABLE ACTION YAY!!!