#RealDeal: I finally talked to "Antonio" last night - here's what he had to say

Aug 6

Wow, what a wild roller coaster of emotions this past 36 hours has been.

So, first of all if you haven't read the latest on Antonio you can click here. Bottom line, we met at Comic Con had this massive whirlwind romance that ended up with both of us in love but him respectfully ending it.

Yesterday took everything out of me. Even writing that piece, I was genuinely still struggling to breathe. I didn't understand why Antonio said we couldn't be together, and why this couldn't happen. I had SUCH strong feelings for him - hands down the MOST that I've had for anyone since literally before I started this site. He was so smart, so accomplished ... it was the first time in my life I truly felt intimate with someone without actually being intimate on a physical level. We had become extremely, extremely close in the last month and I could actually hear my heart break when he told me that we couldn't be involved romantically anymore.

Due to genuine shock, I was still not entirely sure why everything was happening. He kept saying he wasn't well, and he wasn't good for me, that he would suck the life out of me before I've even entered into my prime - but I had no idea what any of that meant.

While writing yesterday's story out, I sent him a text.

He didn't answer for a few hours, but while I was at rehearsal yesterday for the stage show (next show THIS FRIDAY AT 8PM!!!) he texted me back saying he was sleeping but that he was waiting to talk to me.

I didn't get back to him for a few more hours after that, but when I came back home I decided to call him and of course, it went to his voicemail.

I waited a few more hours and called a few more times, followed by a text asking if he was awake. He then responded with the fact that he was with his friend but he would call me at 10:30.

Now at this point I had only had about 3 hours of really crappy sleep from the night before, and I genuinely felt like the biggest piece of shit ever. Staying up til 10:30? YEEAAHHH not sure that was going to happen.

I did my best to stay awake - I did jumping jacks, sit ups, I was DETERMINED to speak to him. I didn't want to have yet another sleepless night wondering what went wrong and if there was anything I could do to change his mind.

At 10:35 he calls.

I stare down at his name on my iPhone and take a deep breath. This isn't going to be easy, but it needs to be done, I thought.

I then answered. We are both quiet, but I can hear he is at a party of some sort.

How was your day, he asked?

Horrible, I replied.

Yours?

Same.

I say nothing.

Antonio then goes, why did you leave like that? Do you know how horrible you made me feel? I felt so rejected.

I then LEAP up from the couch saying YOU'RE being rejected? Wait, what?!

I was crying there Jen, and you didn't do anything. You just left. I wanted you to stay, I wanted to talk.

I was HYSTERICAL at the time. I was barely even breathing, I got so dizzy when I was sitting in your room that I had to sit down because I was afraid I'd pass out.

This isn't just about you though Jen. I didn't WANT to do this, I HAD to do this and I feel like you just slapped my heart on a rock. This decision didn't only effect you.

Why did you HAVE to do this? I don't understand.

You're about to be in your prime, Jen. If I take you away from what you are doing right now, you will regret the years that I will suck out of you. I don't want to get married again, I don't want kids. I work a high stressful job and I know I am in my later years in life. You're just getting out the gate.

I then thought about it, and wondered if I really did need to get married and if I really did need kids. I LOVE this person, how is that not enough?

Why don't we just take things slower then. I don't know if I want those things either -

Antonio then cuts me off.

Yes you do, Jen. And there's nothing wrong with it, it's just not who I am. We are already wedded in my mind. That is already done. For the rest of my life you will have a place in my heart, but we just can't be romantic. I want you to know Jen that I will speak so VERY highly of you, and help you with your business or anything else you want. Do you know what my three best friends said about you at the BBQ? They UNIVERSALLY said "don't let this one go." I don't want this Jen. This decision isn't about wants, it's about what you need to be who you are.

I then realized in that moment that he truly did love me and this was one of the most selfless acts I had ever seen.

He's right, I thought. He totally could have just strung me along for 6 months, or 6 years. Where would I be psychologically? physically? Our entire courtship up until this point had been COMPLETELY transparent so he knew what my goals were and he knew what I wanted. For me to give that up would be denying a piece of myself. He's not rejecting me because he doesn't want me, or I did something wrong - he is being selfless in saying that we can't be together because we have different goals.

You're going to do circles around me Jen, I know that. You're going to be some massive executive in a few years and all I'm going to do is smile. I'm just the first Jen. I'm just the first of many that will come into your life like this.

I then remembered the text he sent me before our very first date ...

This was BEFORE our very first date. He's also said to me a handful of times how out of his league I was. He wasn't even saying it from a lack of confidence, he was saying it from this extremely genuine place of love and honor.

I never take no for an answer so we talked for about 30 minutes and I tried to get him to change his mind. I then realized however that this was like me saying to him, I am going to eat Fruit Loops for the rest of my life and him telling me that he wants Lucky Charms for the rest of HIS life. Neither of us are in the wrong, we are both merely speaking our personal truths and that needs to be respected.

Antonio didn't do this because he didn't care for me - it's the exact opposite. He loves me, he loves me very very much, and unfortunately you have to do what's best for the ones you love even if it means you'll get hurt in the process.

We then agreed that we are going to get together sometime this week to talk things over.

I realize now even my text to him was very juvenile. "Why did you do this? I don't understand." Antonio didn't have a choice either. He is merely doing what he thinks is best for me, and while I don't think I agree I have to respect that he is intellectually speaking always 3 steps ahead and I have to trust that he knows best.

You have a friend for life, Jen. I will be there for you and if anyone messes with you or your business I WILL go after them for you. Anything you need, Jen. Anything.

And that my friends is true love.

I will not let this situation harden my heart and in fact, I'm ELATED I allowed myself to get so close to another person and not just a website. My relationships in general have been LIGHTYEARS ahead of where I have been for most of my life. Antonio is another piece of my dating journey that I have yet to understand or comprehend. I can genuinely say I am a better person because he came into my life, and I am excited to see where our new friendship is going to lead. I can't have him out of my life, but I also learned that I need to empathize more with people and not just cut them off when they've hurt me. I'm like a turtle - when things bother me I COMPLETELY retreat. I used to do it with Noah too actually. We would get into a fight and I would just leave. That's not healthy and that's not a good way to be. I can better myself by learning how to compose myself enough to converse and to understand that other people are hurting too. Despite being a lifecaster and consumed in my own existence morning, noon, and night, everything isn't always just about me.

Alrite nerderinos, I am giving myself exactly one week to grieve then I'm getting right back on the wagon dating wise (fortunately work wise my schedule is super busy this week with oodles of fun stuff). Afterall, it's not how many times you've fallen ... but how many times you've gotten back up.