#NerdsUnite: I finally felt ... protected
God, I can't STOP writing about Antonio and everything that went down. (click here to read what happened this weekend and the follow up phone call after we decided to romantically call it quits.) He's SUCH a motivating influence in my life.
My heart is doing a lot better today as my head has finally cleared up and I can view the situation in a more logical manner. The conversation initially hurt just because it came as a complete shock to my system. It's the second time in my life actually that I had been in love and then had to instantly wake up. (See the mentalist here.) I don't EVER want to put those two in the same category, but it was the energy from the mentalist that launched this brand, and I can only imagine what this new energetic release from Antonio will provide back into the brand.
When I woke up this morning, I kept thinking about what it was about Antonio that made me so attracted to him. There's the obvious, he's incredibly attractive, and super intelligent - but there was something more than that as well. It was this thing he had in his eyes. This sparkle ... this comfort ... this ... protection. I'm totally tearing up right now about that. It's genuinely not easy being a people magnet. People have told me my ENTIRE life that they've just felt "drawn" to me. Sure, it's WONDERFUL that I can launch a brand, and keep people interested in what I'm doing ... but on a human to human level, I'm scared SHITLESS for my safety sometimes.
In the last year alone not only was I hit in the head with the brick, but I was also drugged at a bar. That's not even counting the fact that I was stalked as a teen, assaulted as an adolescent, confronted both two dudes trying to break into our condo, and a guy that tried to carjack me when I was 21. (That is all literally from just the top of my head, btw.)
I've obviously created now this medium to be able to share all of my feelings when these events happen to me - but at the bottom line emotional core, it's still scary as FUCK being a people magnet. I'm always always always on guard.
It wasn't until I was with Antonio though that I ever legitimately felt safe. There was NO doubt in my mind that if anyone came after me, not only would he beat them to a bloody pulp, but he'd make sure I was first and foremost okay. That level of safety I haven't felt in ... wow, I can't even tell you how long. It made me so happy!! Even my mom said today on the phone that being with Antonio was the happiest she's heard me be in a very long time if not EVER!!!
I appreciate how strong you all credit me as being, but it's just a defense mechanism; I'm only strong because I've built up the muscle from all of these extreme life experiences.
There is something to that that I need to explore more. It's not a physical thing -as is I know how to throw a punch, take a punch, fire a gun, and wield a knife - it's the emotional element and the little kid in me that still wants to just be taken care of. I finally found this guy that not only stimulated me EXTREMELY on an intellectual level, but that made me feel so safe on a visceral level. The dude was ALWAYS a few steps ahead of me on EVERYTHING. He thinks of absolutely absolutely absolutely everything. I still want that in my life as a quality in a mate.
I'm excited to have lunch with him this week and go over some things, but also (if I can find a way tactfully to do this) I want to ask him where there are other "Antonios." I genuinely don't even think he owns a personal computer, but obvi these guys aren't online. He was a PERFECT gentleman in every manner possible, and genuinely everything I've been looking for in a guy. Like energy always attracts so where there is one ... hhhmmmmmmmmmm
#namaste
