Fun with #OKCupid: I did it!! I'm finally ready for a change!!

Aug 28

Hmmmm ... what a powerful day this has been. I keep thinking about this conversation I had with my roommate last night. She and I have discussed at pretty great lengths depression, anxiety, and everything in between. I was explaining to her last night that having come from SUCH extreme lows in my youth and early 20s that as long as I wasn't literally with a blade to my neck or pills in my hand - I wouldn't consider myself unhappy. I literally had a nervous breakdown when I was 22!!! I have BEEN to the level of "you're not going to get more fucked up than this!!"

Happiness however is relative and a terribly personal thing. I am EXTREMELY thankful that I am no longer at that place and that I have managed to ground myself so significantly - but my unhappiness should not be negated strictly because it doesn't go to that extreme.

Again, look at the literal definition:

Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

I am not content personally.

I am joyous intermittently but it's not rooted in myself it's rooted in outside influences that temporarily connect me to happiness.

What in me do I still need to explore?

I just had like an hour and a half long coffee with a very smart buddy over here at io/LA who provided me with some TREMENDOUS insight.

<tangent> Also funny on one of my first days here he mentioned having messaged me on OKC. ::cue:: It's a small world after all. </tangent>

How's everything going with you on a personal level, he asked?

I stared up at him and almost cried.

Instead of my normal MO by puting on a smile, I decided to be very honest with him about things that were going on and see what he had to say.

I'm in a funk, I admitted. I'm professionally supposed to be at a place where I'm happy, but there is still something missing. I'm LITERALLY the most connected person online, but I'm completely disconnected in my personal life. I just kept thinking over and over that things would get better as I progressed professionally, but now I have reached a place of professional progression and I'm not satisified.

He smiles, and says, I know what you're talking about ... growing up I would always look at people that were 3-5 years older than me and be SO SURE that they totally had their shit together. I would then get to that grade, place, age and see that they didn't have their shit together at all!

Year after year I just kept looking to that age rank and I quickly realized I would never get to it.

What does it all ever mean though in the end? I asked. I've now reached a level that I've always wanted to ... I both grew up with money and have seen first hand the levels of fuck you money in this town and I have to admit the happiest that I've been in the last 3 years was when I literally had $10 to my name and was dead broke taking naps on the beach and sleeping in a car.

It wasn't the lack of financial resources that excited me (it was realizing I had literally hit a rock bottom and the relief that life could absolutely not get any worse), it was more the connection I had to other people. I HHHAAAAAADDDDDD to meet up with people ... I HHHHHAAAAAADDDDDDDDDD to sit in coffee shops and make friends or hustle a deal - or I very literally didn't eat.

Now, I'm in this place of not needing anything from anyone (if anything the exact opposite but now I literally wake up every day with a message from someone wanting to fly me out somewhere), and all I want is truth.

Just dealing with people and being around them is no longer gratifying enough - it is CERTAIN people and CERTAIN circumstances that fuel my connectivity. Those relationships need to be cultivated but for me to actually grow out of this funk I absolutely absolutely absolutely have to do it. I don't have an option anymore, my happiness is now dependent upon it and I'm NEVER going to get to that next level of consciousness until I nurture these relationships and continue following my bliss.

It's not just the adventures that I'm after anymore - it's the moments in between ... it's the conversations about life and love that can happen in a dark alley in Hollywood or a posh hotel in Timbuktu.

I want more from my life.

My buddy then looked at me and said, do you know the Buddhist proverb "before enlightenment chop wood carry water, after enlightenment chop wood carry water?"

I started laughing explaining to him that I literally think about that quote every day. I've done ALLLLL this self work and hustled.my.ass.off. to get to a place professionally - yet I'm further than I ever imagined, and the happiness still isn't here.

I see the formula, I know the business behind what I'm doing - but there has to be a life cycle to all of this. The magnification that I put MYSELF under can only remain interesting for so long. Even in all the crazy shit that I'm doing now ... I HAVE SIX SLAVES FOR JEEPERS CREEPERS ... it's no longer feeding my soul. I'm too aware of everything and I'm becoming UNBELIEVABLY desensitized to my own existence.

Even in freaking dating!!! Guys get like a 10 second shot with me. I'm so not a nice person to some of these guys that I'm sure are AMAZING!! I don't even get dinner with men - I will only ever meet them for a beer and in that 45 mins to an hour I will decide in the first 10 seconds if they get a second date. (It's their job at that point to not fuck it up.)

How is this NORMAL?

I then looked back at my friend and explained to him that today, I was so. freaking. excited. that I admitted to myself how unhappy I was. The admittance of unhappiness made me DELIRIOUSLY happy.

How Fight Club of you, he said.

The purpose of this site is a look into an authentic existence. Black and white. I am a lifecaster. My life is business and my life is art. Every.single.story. is 100% true - I can tell each one backwards, sideways, and upside down ... but I'm no longer being authentic to myself. In realizing said inauthenticity however, I know so through and through I can pull myself out of it ... but who knows! This is again, all part of my journey and it is only my job to be honest in the process.

What are my next doable actions?

1) I need to get seed money. I haven't accepted money from investors previously, but for this brand to continue I need to hire another lifecaster (which will require me to hire them on salary). To be a successful lifecaster you have to be CONSUMED by this space. Literally morning, noon, and night I am connected in social media. You can't have a 9-5 and expect to throw yourself into this world and get the same results that I have been able to get in the last almost 3 years.

I have met with a series of advisors previously and everyone tells me not to get full VC money since I'd lose equity (especially since I have TV shows currently being pitched) but rather to talk to someone about a loan on terms.

Either way, I'm here to listen, so if you are interested in investing ... please reach out! I'd love to meet with you!!! (JenFriel at TalkNerdyToMeLover d c)

2) No more bullshit dates. No more "just grabbing beers" with men. I'm done. I'm actually ready to date like a normal human being and not just source my life. (Of course if I do end up with a hilarious story or adventure you're reaalllllyyyyy going to be pulling my arm for me to not write about it - but yes, I'm finally, finally, finally ready.)

If you want to date me, drop me an email (JenFriel at TalkNerdyToMeLover d c) and invite me out to a dinner. Sushi is my absolute favorite (with a close second to Mexican).

I hang out primarily in the West Hollywood area, so anywhere near there is always preferential - but please just be interesting. Intellectual conversation is pretty much the biggest panty dropper to me - so nurture the noggin and I'll make sure your pickle gets tickled.

Here ... in fact ... I am changing my OKC profile right now. I am PISSSSEEEEDDDD and this is the best motivating factor ever ...

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