#RealDeal: What it's like to have a family member overdose on drugs

Ah, I'm still processing this. 

I've had a really really rough morning. 

Bottom line: drugs be bad, yo! 

Humor won't save me now, spit it out Friel ... 

So, I was jogging this morning and on my way back to my place I got a text from my mom telling me to call her when I saw the message. 

Now in the land of the Friel family getting that message means it's very very bad news. My parents, being on the other side of the country, always like to give me a heads up to compose myself and get to a place where we can quietly discuss things. 

I stop jogging and reach down to call my mom taking a deep breath as I did so knowing that it was a CERTAINTY that someone close to the family or directly in the family had passed or was quite ill. 

She picks up on the first ring. 

Good, you're awake, she said. 

What's going on? 

She then starts to ask me to do something on Facebook ... and I beg her to just spit it out. Why was she asking me to do that? 

A member of the family Jen is in a coma and it's not looking very good. 

This particular family member has been heavily involved in drugs for literally my entire life. There is oodles of family drama broiled in the story as well that is frankly no one's business - but bottom line this person ODed and was now in a medical induced coma and when they tried to bring her out they weren't successful. 

I need XXX's number, I said to my mother. (I used to have their number but when I lost my phone just before St. Pattys day I wound up losing it.) 

No, replied my mother. I don't want you getting involved. 

I'm not getting involved I calmly replied, we need to know answers and if this person is even still alive. To be able to do that, I need to talk to this person. We need to remove the emotional responses from this scenario and just address again, if this person is still alive. 

She wouldn't give me the person's direct number, but she did give me the number of the once best friend five times removed who was the one that told someone that told us to begin with. 

(See how the Irish are? Don't piss us off man. We're FREAKISHLY loyal, but you betray or burn us and even in LIFE OR DEATH the bad blood will still be present.) 

I then call this friend and after no less than 7 rings, she answers. 

Hi, is this so and so? 

Yes, she replies. 

Hi, I'm Jen Friel - I think you know my parents. 

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! She says back SO excited!! Omg omg omg, how is your head? How is your career? 

I then laugh to myself realizing she reads the website and is geeking out right now. 

I just have to tell you, she says, you're really beautiful. 

Thank you, I reply, I really appreciate you reading - but right now I was wondering if I could just have so and so's number please? 

Why yes, she replied. What would you like? Cell? Home? 

All please. 

She then gave me the number, and I thanked her again for the info and for reading my site. 

(Comic relief in that moment was a nice touch.) 

I then call the member of my family. She and I haven't talked in almost a year. Not out of lack of love, but in just the reality of the fact that this person is also heavily addicted to drugs. You can't choose to have an addict in your life, but you can choose to limit their involvement in it. As long as this person is using, I will ABSOLUTELY not be in their life - period end of sentence. Drugs have ripped that entire side of my family apart and I have no option but to just be there for my immediate family and choose to not be involved in their drama and wallow in their misery. 

It's toxic. It's so so so toxic.

I then ask her what is going on, and there is literally 30 seconds of silence. 

She was so out of her mind that she had no idea why I would even be calling her. 

Listen, I said, I don't want to get involved in any of the emotional aspects of why we weren't called. I'm saying stone cold, family member to family member - what. just. happened. 

She then started going into the story, going off on her various tangents. 

Less about you, and more about the story, I sternly replied back. 

She then told me what happened and to hear this woman talk about her own immediate family member blew me away. She might as well have been reading stereo instructions. 

I. 

Was. 

Shocked. 

It's been one thing in dealing with these people and their dramatic lives for the last 27 years, but to literally be in this moment of life and death and to know that even NOW ... even RIGHT NOW ABSOLUTEY NOTHING was snapping her out of her high ... wow. 

That's the thing though with addicts, all I can deal with is her constant and the only thing I can control in this scenario is my own response to it. 

At the end of the day though, she is the only gatekeeper to the info that I needed to keep my own immediate family calm. 

Did I want to have to deal with her? Hell no. DEFINITELY not in this state. 

Do I still love her? Absolutely!! You never stop loving these people and the role that they play in your life - you can instead only choose what boundaries you place on your involvement with them. 

As she was describing to me the events of what took place, I absolutely lost it. 

I was standing in my bedroom and threw my body up against my own door knowing that NONE of this was good. 

She then went back into her own pity party and I explained to her that I needed her to remove all of the bad blood and literally just keep the lines of communication open for however long this was going to take. 

I don't care about this or that, or who did what to whom and why. Right now, I need you to answer your phone if I call you. Do you understand? 

Yes, she said. 

She then brought up members of my immediate family and I snapped. 

I CAN'T EVEN GO THERE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, I commanded. This is literally life and death and I am choosing to not even go there with you right now, or this is NOT going to be pretty. 

Answer your phone if I call, and if you get news I would appreciate a call. 

Thank you, I said as I hung up the phone. 

I then calmed myself down and calmly called my immediate family relaying the news that I had just received. 

The words were coming out of my mouth but everything in my body was on fight or flight. Need to get this information out I kept saying to myself over and over. 

See, my brother normally deals with this side of the family but he's out of the country at the moment and isn't reachable. 

After I relayed the news to my family, I just sat on the kitchen floor and cried. 

I was shocked. 

This person has been using drugs my entire life, but when they reach this age you kind of assume that it's some Charlie Sheen/ Keith Richards type shit where they will outlive all of us. 

Like the other family member I had to talk to, I might not have a relationship with this person but they still fufilled this role in your life and still have this ... place. Whether or not they are sober enough to choose to be present for said role is up to them - but it doesn't mean that you ever stop loving them or stop caring about them. 

I. 

Hate. 

Drugs. 

I kept thinking over and over as the anger fueled my body. 

After having at least settled what details we knew at this point, I then had to emotionally process everything. Normally, I would just talk to my brother in this scenario and vent to him about my frustration but with him being out of the country, I didn't know what to do. 

I then looked down at Antonio's number in my phone. 

I really really REALLY don't want to call him, I thought. He doesn't need to be involved in this bullshit. 

I then realized though that this was a part of why I shut down to so many people. I don't like articulating things. I will sit and write about them, but I never EVER open up to anyone outside of my family with things like this. I knew he would be there for me if I just called him, but was I emotionally vulnerable enough to actually let someone see this side of me? 

I placed my hand on his contact number expecting it to go to voicemail because it was only 9 am, and he's very busy. 

To my surprise after the 5th ring he answered. 

Hi, I said obviously very upset. 

I'm sorry to bother you, I was actually just expecting to leave a message for you. 

I then spit out the words of what happened. 

I'm so sorry, he replied back. 

<tangent> I always hate it when people say that "they're sorry." I obviously know it's just the other side of human response in an emotional scenario like that, but what does "I'm sorry" really do?

In this moment I just needed to process emotionally everything that happened outside of my parents and outside of my extended family. To do this I needed to actually hear the words come out of my mouth not in a manner in which I had to calmly communicate the information, but again so I could emotionally process it all. 

It was the ABSOLUTE only way I was going to get through this haze that my brain was already in post fight or flight. </tangent>

Our call then got disconnected because he was in a bad reception area, but I was able to call back and leave a message. 

I felt UNBELIEVABLY awkward opening up to him about something so personal, but isn't this what intimacy should be about? It's not only in the moments where I'm in control and calm - I have to allow myself to just speak my truth unconditional of anything in return. 

And, this is about all that I know right now. I'm genuinely EXTREMELY busy with work at io/LA this week, so fortunately I have no choice but to focus on what I'm doing - but I really appreciate having this space to write all of this out. 

I don't want to ask for prayers or ask for anything. This is genuinely her life choice and I'm only in control of my own self and I have no other option but to be there for my immediate family right now. 

Drugs are bad, kids. 

Drugs are really really bad. 

What a fucking waste. 

#thatisall