#NerdsUnite: When it comes to dating, do you pay? or not pay? that is the question

Jul 9

We interrupt this post to bring you a sex tip PSA from our friends over at LuckyBloke.com: Condom Size is the most important factor for PLEASURE as well as safety.

Pre this site and pre becoming this extreme accidental dating expert - I truly didn't understand just how VALUABLE some of these actions really were. In my one adult relationship I was totally a sugar mama. He was great, and obviously took care of a lot of the living expenses (we lived together) ... but when it came to dates, and even surprise gifts (I bought him an Xbox randomly one day) that shit was my jam. What I didn't understand, however, was how emasculating that could be for the guy. In my head, I just assumed that every chick should always always always pay her way ... isnt' that what being an "independent woman" was all about?

No.

Oh ... and HELL NO.

I've mentioned this in a previous post on gender roles, but dating is a courtship ... dating has a rhythm and is a dance. I can't two step while he's waltzing - we just aren't going to jive (pun intended).

Lemme personalize this a bit more ...

This week, I had my 4 date with this one guy. He's super ... awesome ... totally into him ... yet, I have not paid for a single bit of anything. You have NO idea how much that makes me want to jump out of my skin and screammmm ahhhhhh!! but I'm always always always about paying my way (even when it came to the 103 dates in 9 months, I wouldn't let guys buy me dinner because at the time I knew I couldn't afford going halfsies). That need, that desire and want to pay is my ego speaking; dating is primal. Guys don't WANT to feel like they can provide for a girl, psychologically speaking they NEED to provide for her and in return a woman NEEDS to FEEL like a guy can provide for her. If I'm coming in and offering to pay for that round of drinks or pay for my half of dinner I'm all of the sudden unintentionally emasculating him and messing with the rhythm of the courtship.

Men at their primal core need to protect and provide for the female. In return, she bonds with him, and together they form a family. Evolution dictates this - period end of sentence. For a woman to become emotionally attached to the guy (where the root of the orgasm is, and where oxytocin aka the bonding hormone is secreted) she has to feel like he CAN provide and protect her. I may know how to throw a punch, take a punch, fire a gun, and wield a knife based on things that I had to do to protect myself in my past (even taking a brick to my head and STILL surviving that shiznat) - but I ABSOLUTELY have to let my guard down with guys to let THEM step up to the plate just so I can then bond with them and feel that connection. Letting my guard down is obviously something I have struggled with, but through working with a shaman and spending 10 months doing self work, I have definitely come leaps and bounds.

I can't be the "tough chick" that my ego wants to say that I am - nor do emotionally I want to be. I've done what I've had to do to survive in the past ... but that's not me. I'm TOTALLY a romantic and TOTALLY all about the guy stepping up - but the problem was I was guilty of emasculating them too much financially to the point where I just eventually lost interest in the guy.

ABSOLUTELY none of that was the guy's fault, of course, but I didn't realize what I was doing and what a failure I was setting up for regarding our courtship.

Here are the current rules I abide by that have been helping TREMENDOUSLY:

1) First date: Female offers to go half. SUPER IMPORTANT to offer. 9/10 guys won't take you up on it - but I can say the 1 that did, check him out closely. From personal experience, mine recently turned out to be gay. I'm NOT saying this is a staple and a blanket statement but definitely an interesting observation to note on how he just "didn't get it." He wouldn't even buy me a cup of coffee, and when we split a dish once he STILL took me up on my offer to go dutch.

2) Second date through committed monogamous relationship: Male pays 100%. Sorry to say that guys, but until we're in a relationship - I won't pay. Dates don't even have to be expensive either. I am a frugal, frugal, bitch. Grab a bottle of two buck chuck and have a netflix night. Absolutely ANYTHING is appreciated ... but it's courtship, and bottom line - your girl is hot property and for you to be taking her out on prime real estate nights (ala Friday and Saturday nights) you HAVE to pony up.

After the monogamous relationship, however, dates should have a budget. I know that a "dating budget" doesn't seem terribly romantic, but I can speak from personal experience that in running a business for myself it's a necessity and that clear communication from the get go ALWAYS makes this easier in dating.

Agree or disagree? lmk on Twitter or Facebook.