#RealDeal: Getting blown off really ... really ... hurts

Jun 8

OMMMMMGGGGGG I need to stop crying long enough to be able to type this out.

Fucking. Men.

I'm so pissed right now and traditionally I am not a reactive person but there I go again letting my guard down and ::poof:: my fucking heart gets broken ... AGAIN. The documentation of all of this is what kills me too because there I have this constant tangible evidence that I am really really really bad at something even though I am DESPERATELY trying to better myself in the process.

Hold on ... need song ...

AHHH the cranberries. yes yes and more yes.

Alrite, so I mentioned yesterday how fearful I was about this upcoming weekend. See, I've been dating this guy since April and he wanted to take everything super slow. Not a problem, I thought, I can actually learn from this experience and get to know someone before jumping right into bed.

The dude is a SUPER romantic and genuinely one of the greatest guys I've ever dated. He's super passionate about his work, already achieved his personal level of success, so smart, so cute ... total package head to toe.

We've seen each other a couple times a week for the last month - and everything has been great. Dudes, he even let me pick the movie last week and he actually said yes to when I wanted to see "What to expect when you're expecting."

Guys I've dated have never let me pick the movie so as trivial as it sounds it was kind of a big deal for me.

He then dropped me off at my friend's going away party, (he had to wake up early the next morning so he couldn't come) and right before he let me out we totally made out like the world was ending.

It was spec-fucking-tacular and actually one of the hottest things sexually I've ever experienced (even though we did not have sex it came close ... damn ... close).

He said in the car that he wanted everything to be really special for when we finally had sex - he's a total romantic.

I totally got that ... fine ... I can be a patient grasshopper ... not a problem ...

We then talked about it and said the following weekend we'd make it happen. He even picked me up at the airport on Monday and we talked about it in the car - again. I said I was looking forward to it, and while Buddhism teaches you to not have expectations with things, I was getting REALLY excited to finally be with this guy and especially in the romantic manner in which he had painted this experience for me.

I thought about it all week ... got excited ... but then today I still hadn't heard anything so I texted him.

Here's the exchange:

See, he works in finance so he has to be literally at his desk by 6 am when the market opens on the east coast. Anytime we've kicked it during the week he has to go home early so a Sunday night "date" isn't really what I had in mind since it meant we'd have to call it a super early evening.

I then stared down at the text wondering if I was over reacting. I TOTALLY admit that I am obviously EXTREMELY sensitive on the issue of getting blown off like this, so I was attempting to stay as neutral as possible and see both sides of things.

The more I did that however, the more angry I got. Was he not looking forward to this as much as I was? This is also the second time he's blown me off for dinner in the last few weeks - if this is how he is at just courting a girl what the fuck is the actual relationship going to look like?

I then remembered my theme with the Modern Day Shaman, and how he tells me I need to be better at speaking my personal truth.

I sent this back ...

Now I don't know what to do. I'm CRAZY about this guy but this is the SECOND time he's blown off a date with me.

At what point do you have self respect and just say, next! Statstically speaking I am extremely aware of how many "fishes there are in the sea" ... but I really really really liked this one.

Why the FUCK do guys have to make this shit so difficult?? HE was the one that painted this picture in my noggin - I didn't expect anything fancy pants I just wanted to spend time with him when his schedule wasn't so limiting.

Is this really too much to ask for? Am I COMPLETELY overreacting by feeling this way?? I TOTALLY GET how sensitive I am when it comes to this stage of dating, but I literally don't even know what to say back.

The old me would just say fuck it - go put on a slutty dress and have a night out on the town. The new "looking to settle down" me is COMPLETELY over all of that.

I don't know what to do, I'm really hurt by the whole thing and I genuinely don't have a clue if it is hurt because of my past or if this shit genuinely DOES suck and other people would feel this way if this happened to them.

Help ... please ... give it to me like it is ... I can handle it ... I think.