#NerdsUnite: A lesson in speaking your personal truth (update on National Geographic dude)
Can I tell you how much I love the internet? For reals, lemme just throw that out there at first. I never claim to be perfect, nor do I claim to have all the answers ... I am merely documenting my journey and the lesson I have been working on for MONTHS now is the expression of my own personal truth.
So, I wrote the other day about a duderino I was seeing that showed up at my house with unconfirmed plans. I honestly thought the dude was great, but definitely saw a lot of red flags on the first two dates, and then with what happened Wednesday, I freaked. The only problem was it takes two to tango, and I definitely played my part as well.
Monday night I went out to dinner with the National Geographic duderino. It was great, I had a good time - I think he's a sweet guy, I just genuinely didn't feel like we were vibing - period end of sentence. He intrigued me, but the producer in me kept kicking and screaming thinking what is this guy doing from a business perspective in building his personal brand? He has this INCREDIBLE story that he seems ashamed of - it threw me, and also made me lose interest pretty quickly. This guy is obviously a hustler in what he had to do to survive in that jail cell for those three years, but everything he was saying to me IRL felt like it came from painful insecurities. I'm not mad at it, I def have my own issues too - but I'm dealing with them with the help of a Modern Day Shaman. After date 1, this guy was breathing down my throat a lot. I've said this before that dating has an ebb and flow to it - it's a dance of sorts. Guy takes two steps forward, chick takes two steps back - there is no game, no bullshit, but it's a rhythm. I don't care how terribly romantic it seems or how CRAZY awesome chemistry might feel - I genuinely don't want to see or talk to a dude after I've gone out with him for about another week. This is where dating multiple people comes into play, which I STRONGLY believe in all people doing until they are in a committed relationship.
On Monday, in passing, this guy mentioned that he was in a tournament on Wednesday and invited me. Sure, I said, great - let's talk later in the week.
We went about our date at that point, and again, I had a good time.
Then on Tuesday, he texts me again. I've genuinely had a really busy week, so I wasn't getting back to ANYONE that fast, let alone a guy that I just saw the night before.
He then sends me the info saying it started at 8 and he could pick me up at 7:30.
I KNEW IN. THAT. MOMENT. I didn't want to go, and I didn't say anything. It wasn't a knock necessarily against the dude, but more of me dealing with a lot of personal shit combined with the stress of running your own business. Did I speak my personal truth in that moment and explain to him that I couldn't go? No. I said I would text him tomorrow to let him know for sure.
Here is the actual text message ...
In my head, I was blowing him off. This was the story I was telling myself while ignoring my ACTUAL personal truth which knew I wasn't going to go but I was too scared to articulate.
(Scared isn't even the right word, it's more that you never want to let people down. I do have a heart, I'm very very very protective of it - but I'd NEVER want to hurt anyone's feelings .... ever ... no matter how brutally honest I may appear to be. I'd die if I ever genuinely hurt someone.)
The story my date was telling himself, however, was that I said yes, and that we were on for tomorrow.
Wednesday then arrives, and I don't text - frankly putting everything just out of my mind. Then, of course, based on HIS personal truth and the story HE told himself, he thought we were on - so he didn't confirm, he just showed up at my house.
Was I spooked? Absolutely. This was a first.
Was I wrong for not growing a pair of balls and telling him flat out that I've seen him now twice within the span of a week and I needed some space? Yes.
Was I wrong for not texting him Wednesday and making SURE that he knew I wasn't going to make it? Absolutely.
I'm a human being, and this is the lesson right now the universe keeps throwing in my face - I. NEED. TO. SPEAK. MY. TRUTH.
I should have made it very clear that while I was having a good time with this guy, he was crowding me a bit. Not wanting to hurt his feelings however, I tried skirting the issue which made an even BIGGER issue.
What does this all teach me?
I can't hide from things even though I want to because they make me uncomfortable. Had I just told this guy what I was feeling he wouldn't have shown up in the first place. His responses were a bit jarring however how immediately he was like, well, I'm going to miss your smile ... and I know I did something wrong .... the only thing this guy did wrong was try to push things. Again, dating is like a dance - there is a rhythm, and there are steps. I'm confident that this guy will find what he is looking for one day, but I am extremely grateful for him being in my life and at least allowing me the opportunity to grow.
Thanks dude, and thanks universe!! Back to the Shaman ... arrghhhhh!!!