#NowPlaying: Robyn - Dancing on my own

I am so fucking emo right now it's redic. I had a pretty awesome but pretty overwhelming day yesterday. I spent the afternoon with my buddy @acoolong who is genuinely one of the kindest people you will ever meet. We talked at great lengths about Romeo, and I dunno ... I can't help but feel really freaking angry.

I obvi talk about my dating and sex life - but in the back of my head I always just assumed that because most dudes were so turned off by it (curious of course, but not wanting to be a character in the story) it protected me. I didn't actually HAVE to put myself out there, I didn't actually HAVE to feel anything - I could rather just flit about having all of my crazy little adventures.

This entire thing has been so unbelievably eye opening. The stories we tell ourselves to protect our ego are the most insane things ever. To deconstruct those stories however, you have to live outside of your comfort zone and constantly put yourself in check.

I have never been so uncomfortable with everything in all of my life.

I am scared of loving Romeo again. I am scared of not loving him. I am scared of losing him. I am scared of having him. None of this is a win. My only focus right now just needs to be on keeping my shit together, and in taking my own advice in still continuing to date. No guy should ever ever ever be your only focus if you're super into him. Take things slow, explore each other - and see where it goes. Dating other people DEFINITELY helps keep you sane during the process ... but fucckkkkk it's just all so horrible.

Romeo isn't a guy I can just date - he's the person I pictured at 19 spending the rest of my life with. That is really fucking heavy and a MASSIVE leap from having just dated half of Los Angeles.

This may all sound like a movie, but it's my actual fucking life and I couldn't be more scared.

fuck

fuck

fuck

This is what I'm listening to btw. It's kinda making my life ... so I got that going for me ... yay ....

#emojen