#NerdsUnite: On a Quest to Find my (Bat)manhood
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Taco. (Funny how the important the word "buddy" is in that sentence.) We've been Facebook buds for sometime now, but he's about to embark on a personal quest and has asked to write about it. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TACO!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redknave
So last we left of I tried to emulate Dexter with not so desirable results. After that, I tried to literally become Batman. Now, at this time I was still in college, probably my second or third year. The same year I had to take Chemistry for a college route that I wasn’t smart enough to say no to. I was in the pre-med program because that’s what my mother wanted, not what I wanted. So being batman meant getting straight A’s, in everything. And if I didn’t that I wasn’t good enough. Now, these aren’t bad things to strive for, but it also meant that if I didn’t get an A, or a passing grade, I would fall into a deep depression, because I got it in my head that I’m not good enough. And seeing as how Chemistry NEVER clicked with me, I struggled hard with it and passed the Chemistry lecture with a D, and straight up failed Chemistry lab. This made me believe I wasn’t good enough because I couldn’t get good enough grades. That train of thought is never helpful. It just leads to self destructive behavior, at least, for me it did. It put me on a suicidal track. As a result of watching a lot of television (which probably didn’t help my grades, but did help my mental state), mostly Gilmore Girls, I learned that being this perfect idea of what I thought it meant to be batman wasn’t the right way. I was missing the point of what Batman represents. He doesn’t represent this impossible idea to live up. He represents, at least to me, overcoming personal adversity. Yes, Bruce Wayne is a genius, and in a pinch knows enough chemistry to concoct an antidote to whatever virus the Joker is spreading through the city, but not being able to do that doesn’t make me any less of a Batman. He got better, and devoted his life to making sure what happened to him would not happen to others, that crime will not create another orphan out of a child who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s what I have to live up. That idea of getting better and helping others. But first I have to get better. And I thought that coming to Texas would set off some chain of events that would lead me to where I need to be. Except, things don’t just happen. You have to make it happen.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, during the time of my absence from posting on this site, I was almost always in a bad mood. I felt exactly how I felt before I moved to Texas. Clearly, I was doing something wrong. Thing is, I wasn’t doing anything. Not really. I looked for jobs, but made excuses to not keep looking. I spent my time playing Gotham City Impostors (a game where a bunch of people dress up as The Batman and the Joker and kill each other with guns). And the past few weeks have been especially bad, mood wise. I don’t know exactly what set me off today, but I just up and left the house. I needed to clear my head, and went on a walk. And asked myself what I’m not doing right, why are things the same if I made significant changes.
I compared my current quest, with the one Bruce Wayne went on. Main difference is that Bruce did it by himself. He relied on no one. Now, I’m not going to do what he literally did, because I tried that before, didn’t work. So I need to adjust for reality. I need to be on my own. But I have a safety net here in Texas if I so need. And while out on my walk I saw a lot of apartment buildings, and a lot bus stops near these apartment buildings. This gave me the idea that I could move out ton one of these apartment buildings and take a bus to my future job. And I wanted this to happen soon, but not unrealistically soon, so I figured by my 24th birthday (which happens in mid-July) I should have my own place. I came back, and talked with Dawn, we made lists, at the top of which is “Get a Fucking Job.” I have an extreme anxiety about getting a job, because I have it in my head that I’m not good enough for one, that I’ll get fired because I’m not really qualified for anything. I personally don’t think I have any job experience, even though I worked at my mom’s perfume store for years. I know how to handle rowdy customers (to an extent), I know how to help people find things, and I know how to listen to people. Don’t ask me why, but everyone tells me their life story when they come into the store, weirdest shit ever. But even though, I have these skills, I still think I’m not good enough. And I could probably analyze my child hood and find the exact cause of this way of thinking, and eventually start thinking differently. Or I could just throw myself into a new situation and put myself back together that way. Remember, when I mentioned I spent all my time playing Gotham City Impostors? Well, I got good at the game. And here’s the thing, I wasn’t really good at those types of games (online first person shooters, like Team Fortress 2) before. I just threw myself into it and figured it out as I went along and I got good. So if it worked in the game, I’m hoping to my gods (Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aphrodite (the Greek goddess, not related to comics), Etc) that it works in reality. And I mean if Bill and Ted can “get good” why can’t I?
So right now I’m going to go write a cover letter for a job stacking boxes. This should be interesting.