#ThatAwkardMomentWhen: Your first love re-enters your life after you've faked an engagement to him
Oh dear god, if I do not get out of my head and onto this site what happened last week my fucking head is going to explode. See, one of the biggest perks about lifecasting is that if anyone wants to know what you're up to, or what's been going on - they read the site. I enter everything mid-sentence and lead a very very very efficient little existence.
That being saaiiiidddddd one of the most EARTH SHATTERING things happened to me this week, and as much as I wanted to keep this to my personal journals ... I just can't take it anymore. Friends, this is what is up!!!
Cue song:
Alrite, so on Wednesday I had three dates in one night all three hours apart from the other.
Of course, I didn't plan it that way - but life happened.
On Wednesday morning I got an email from this dude on OKC traveling through LA. His email wasn't particularly witty, nor was there anything that physically attracted me to him - but when I looked at our percentage my jaw dropped ... we were matched 99% on the OKC algorithm.
WHHHAATTT, I thought. He is LITERALLY my highest match since I can only be matched with someone 99.87% or lower. I had gone out with dudes in the 90s but no one ever ... and I mean EVVEERRR that high.
It sparked my interest in wondering what I could learn about myself from this dude since again, we answered so many of the questions the same way - maybe I could learn something.
I went to an event that day at the London in West Hollywood, and then jetted on over back to the house to get ready to go out.
At 7:14 I got this text ...
I was genuinely confused because I created the profile for curiosity purposes, and no one and I mean NOOOO ONNNNEEEE has ever known I was on that site or even mentioned to me about it. I only created the profile, logged in once, and called it a day.
I then looked up at the number again and knew I knew the number, but couldn't place it.
His next line read, hi Jen.
I was standing by the sink in the bathroom and my heart fell to my feet as he sent the next line ...
"We. Broke. Up."
WHHAATT!!!!
Romeo and I are very rarely in serious relationships - we've both only been in one serious relationship in the last 8 years. He is also 5 years my senior so a dude saying at 32 that he's in a serious relationship is a very very different story.
Choosing the mentalist over Romeo was hands down my only regret in life. Seriously. I've lived in a fucking cockroach infested apartment, had my head bashed in by a brick, had stalkers, was in a nut house - I've had an EXTREMELY ecclectic life, but live it with not an OUNCE of regret. Everything that I've experienced has lead me to who I am today, and after 2.5 years of running this brand and watching it grow ... I've very genuinely never been happier. Looking back however, if there was ever ONE THING I'd change, it was not coming back to LA and being with him. I can't believe I chose the mentalist who was so obviously off his rocker. (With life being reflective though, what in me sought out a guy who was such a douche. I was SUCH a glutton for punishment because I had no self confidence or self worth.)
When the mentalist and I broke up, Romeo was the first person I called; Romeo is ALWAYS the first person I call for everything ... and dudes, I LOATHE talking to people on the phone ... but for him, I always make an exception. He's my heart, my soul.
I nearly passed out when he gave me our first kiss in the street after our first date. I talk over and over about getting those "butterfly feelings" and how in my 103 dates in 9 months all that I learned from that was it was emotional recognition.
::pounds chest:: me, girl, emotionally unavailable. you, boy, emotionally unavailable. lets have emotionally unavailable sex and never call each other again. ::aahhheeyyyeeehhhaahhheeeooooo::
With Romeo it is more than that - with him, in our first kiss, it was this SOUL recognition. I literally ran into my apartment screaming to my roommate that I thought I was in love with that first kiss alone. I knew IN THAT MOMENT that this is what people wrote songs, books, and movies about. It all made perfect sense! I might not have experienced it before, but I knew knew knew that he was it. Whatever that "it" is.
The only problem with that "it" though, was that "it" was one sided ... he not only didn't love me back (although obviously I never EVER told him that I loved him based off our first kiss), he couldn't even date me.
I had NO IDEA he was a member there, let alone would be playing in the basketball game I just so happened to stop and watch blankly at while catching my breath from the stair master.
I knew immediately after seeing him that I was not only still in love with him, but that this was how true love stories always work out. One person goes away for a bit, but then they "randomly" happen to find each other again. My confidence in this all turning out to be a "happily ever after" only grew in those moments.
We spent a few more months together - still not dating, but as FWB (friends with benefits). Then, that fall I turned 21 and suddenly the bar scene opened up. I wasn't entirely sure what my options were with everything, but as much as I loved Romeo, I knew he wasn't ready, and I wasn't willing to keep doing what we were doing and not make something official.
I then reinvented myself leaving my comfy job in movie marketing to head over to a job working for Verizon indirect cellular.
It was almost a year before I heard from Romeo again, but when my phone lit up I was elated.
His news however, wasn't good ...
I'm moving to San Francisco, he said.
Having met him, again, my second week in LA - this was an EXTREMELY shocking thing to hear. He was my guy, my constant in this city ... if he's gone, holy crap!!
I remember seeing him off, and crying for days. I wasn't about to leave LA since at this point I had just been here shy of 3 years - but my heart didn't want to listen. I felt this jarring loss of this person that I never got even a chance with.
Time went by, I got in my relationship with Noah - and Romeo and I still talked periodically. Once you're in love with someone that love never goes away, it merely evolves. I knew I didn't want anything from Romeo anymore, but I still called and texted him periodically to shoot the shit and see what was kicking.
Noah and I broke up just shy of a year of living together - and again Romeo was the first person I called. He helped me greatly adjust to this new "dating scene" I had to throw myself into, and even listened to me cry on the phone when I lost everything in the massive cockroach infestation a few months later.
I remember him coming over to my new apartment on a few LA trips after I got everything settled and explaining to him how weird this all felt.
You'll pull through this, he kept saying. You're so strong - this is just another part of your path. You just have to keep being you.
I would smile, as he always always always knew the right things to say, and we would just lay in my bed holding each other. I knew we couldn't be together since he was in SF, but I knew in that moment I was grateful for him being in my life, and as always, knowing just what to say and do.
Then a few months later, the shoe was on the other foot, and he called me saying his mom died. I vividly remember I was walking to Ralphs (the one actually across the street from where I got hit in the head with the brick) to buy some strawberry yogurt when I got the call. I listened to him as much as I could, but then explained to him when I got home that I was going to get on a plane and I would see him in a few days.
I didn't even BAT AN EYE at getting on a plane to see him. My heart and my soul hurt from even having to wait that long - but logistically it was the best I could do with work and my life in general.
I then got to SF and he showed me a truly spectacular weekend. He introduced me to his friends, we went wine tasting in Sonoma .... we didn't even talk about his mom until we were sitting in Ghirardelli square staring out at the water. I couldn't BELIEVE how composed he was, and how DIFFERENT everything felt with him now.
Overnight, BOOM, he matured into something I had hoped he was, but had never been allowed to see.
I was shocked, but happy to have been able to help him through this difficult time as he had helped me through so much just a few months prior.
I remember staring at him as I was leaving, and I knew as I got onto the plane that he finally loved me and he was finally ready to be with me. Do I move to SF, I thought? LA is my hommmeeeee but Romeo is my heart. Why can't these two just ever be together for once?????
Another year went by at that point, and I moved to Florida to pursue a few offers commercial modeling. I remember getting down there and almost every night talking to Romeo on the phone.
What part of Florida are you in exactly?
Oh I'm over by XXXXXXXX.
What's your exact address? My interest peaked at that point wondering why anyone on Earth would ask - since it's fucking flat Florida (as my dad so eloquently puts it).
I then gave him my address and there was a pause in the phone call. I then hear him on the computer.
Jen, you moved exactly one mile away from my sister.
WHHAATT, I say. are you kidding me?
No, I just mapped it. Literally - one mile.
Mind you, when Romeo and I first connected we were an EXTREMELY short distance from each other ... but this is NUTS! You're talking about THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY IN A STATE THAT I DO NOT KNOW AND I AM NOW LIVING ONE MILE FROM HIS SISTER THAT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME AS HIM????
I was floored (a nice marble variety).
I couldn't believe that was even possible, let alone, my reality.
We continued to talk almost every week, but again, the geographic distance was so great - nothing really made sense except for our budding friendship.
I then get a call from him later in the spring saying that he was going to head back to LA.
I was completely shocked as I had no idea he was ever planning on leaving SF.
Yeah, he said, I'm ready to come back.
I could hear a hint in his voice wondering if I would as well, but I never fed into it and I never knew why.
Then, a few weeks later I meet the mentalist and my world is totally turned upside down.
I knew I loved Romeo in our first kiss, but this was different. The mentalist COMPLETELY swept me off my feet and had this energy and lifestyle that I so desired to be a part of.
My calls to Romeo became more and more spaced out until they stopped completely.
I never told him why I stopped talking to him - but I had moved on, and wanted to move BACK to LA for someone else.
I texted Romeo my first few weeks back in LA just incase we bumped into each other - but made it clear I was seeing someone else.
He was obviously disappointed, but again, no matter what, we were always happy with just being in each other's lives - whatever that meant.
Flash forward now to October of 2009 and my heart is broken by the mentalist. Romeo is my very first call. He takes me to this club in Hollywood and plays me this song on his iPhone ...
I knew from loving the song what he was trying to tell me - but this was just HOUURRSSS after I found out this guy that I was crazy about was diddling his jiggaling in a whole lotta other chickadees.
I then went home early that night, and was unsure of what I wanted but KNEW from the depths of my soul I couldn't do this to Romeo.
Not now, I kept thinking, my love can't be a rebound.
I was such a BITCH to him too at that time as a defense mechanism. I'd call him to come and meet me somewhere only to ignore him when he arrived because I was dancing on tables with my friends and "living up the single life." (Mind you I was 24 at the time .... my table dancing has come to a halt. Booth dancing, however, I am still bueno with.)
We hung out a few more times during that time, but I knew that he loved me and I knew my heart was in no shape to be loved by anyone - even Romeo.
I promptly stopped returning his calls, and texts.
Then, in March of 2010 I get a random text from him.
"You're everywhere, you know that right?"
What, I reply back, still having his number in my phone.
You're part of the Ford Fiesta Movement and I am editing your footage right now for Current TV.
<tangent> I was part of the Ford Fiesta Movement, chapter two, and during that time we not only competed in our missions across LA, but some of our videos even aired on Current TV.</tangent>
Little did I know that when Romeo came back to LA he took a job over at Current and also JUST SO HAPPENED to be assigned to the Fiesta Movement project.
I was shocked that out of ALLLLL of the people to edit our footage it was him, but also still in my own world at that point of realizing I had this brand that I wanted to launch - that I didn't think too much about it.
It was those two short text messages before I actually sent him an email in July of last year letting him know I had wrote out our love story on this site. I wasn't sure the response I was going to get having ended things on more of a "bitchy" term - let alone wondering if Facebook was going to put my email in his "other" folder enabling him to not even see it ... but I was confident that no matter what I was speaking my personal truth and if he got a chance to read it, great! If not, I still meant every word.
He then sends me the SWEETEST EMAIL EVER back (read more of that here) but lets me know that he's in a serious relationship.
Mad respect yo! I thought. (apparently my inner dialogue gets gangster in my defense mechanisms) As is the constant with Romeo and I - if he was happy, then I was happy. I was CERTAINLY disappointed that another door was shut on us, but having just finished 103 dates in 9 months I was CERTAIN that there were other fishes in the sea and if I was just willing to keep putting myself out there, something statically speaking had to happen.
THENNNNN a few weeks later, he calls me asking if I can be an extra in this commercial he was doing.
My interest peaked since this meant that I was going to be able to see him, but I was GENUINELY unsure if I even wanted to go there since I'm DEFINITELY not a home wrecker and DEFINITELY not looking to break up someone's relationship.
After a TON of debate, I agreed to be in the commercial. (read more about that here)
The SECOND I laid eyes on him that day, I lost it. My soul wanted to cry so hard .... he looked so. fucking. amazing. Whatever he was doing, he needed to keep doing it. Did it make me TREMENDOUSLY sad that I wasn't help him facilitate that happiness? Abso-fucking-lutely, but what was I going to do? We had missed paths for SEVEN YEARS at that point ... when do you eventually learn to catch a hint?
I remember sobbing for the entire bus ride home, and for days after. I could barely leave bed, I could barely breathe. I sobbed so hard to my roomie saying I was SO FREAKING GLAD that he was happy, but why couldn't we have ever had a shot?? Why OH FUCKING WHY did I ever ever ever have to get involved with the mentalist?? He's 32 now!! He's NEVER in a serious relationship!! How could he and I never have even gotten a chance to be together after ALL of that??
I then emailed him after the commercial and asked if we could have a drink, coffee, or even just shared air space. He politely declined out of respect to his girlfriend, but all that made me do was sob harder. Why couldn't he have even just a coffee with me unless he still had feelings for me?? None of it made sense.
I let a lot of it all go however, deciding to focus on myself and have spent the last 7 months dealing with a Modern Day Shaman (@realityadjacent) and all of my own inner demons.
I gave up casual sex, I gave up casual everything and decided in January of this year that I wanted more from life, and I was FINALLY ready to grow the foundation for a serious relationship. I wasn't sure what any of that fancy pant sounding shit meant, but I knew that the more I dealt with in myself the more like energy would attract and I would find someone who was ALSO looking for the same thing.
Then in early March a dear friend of mine who I had a crush on asked me out.
Why certainly, I replied, knowing what a super cutie patootie he is.
We then dated pretty regularly, but last weekend while at the winery I was bartering location based social media to live on, I got an email from him explaining that he was going on tour and he wasn't sure if he wanted anything serious right now.
I laughed reading it wondering, so I now find someone who is COMPLETELY emotionally available (this guy and I adored each other) but just not at this EXACT moment?
Life, you are KILLING me here.
I then sent him a reply back explaining that with both of our schedules (he is a musician), we would both end up having to travel a lot and if we were going to make anything work we might as well see if this works before either of us becomes too attached.
He agreed, and then on last Wednesday while I was jogging he texted me asking if we could kick it later. Abso-freaking-lutely I replied back saying I'd be free around 10pm. (I had agreed to meet the OKC date at 8, so I knew since I was honestly going to meet that guy as a life lesson for myself and less of a traditional "date." I never. ever. ever. double book nights, btw. I give peeps my full attention ALWAYS.)
So, there I am at 7:14 getting the text from Romeo and staring at everything in COMPLETE disbelief. At 10pm, the guy that I am CURRENTLY dating is going to have a talk with me, and now YOU'RE coming back into the picture?
When did you guys break up, I ask.
The day before Valentines day, he replies.
Wow, I think, he waited two months before he contacted me to tell me this ... this is new. I couldn't even wait a week to call him, but all I learned from that was that I wasn't ready.
Was he REALLY ready, I thought.
He then sends me this text indicating his location ... I. am. shocked.
Out of ALL of the bars in LA, Romeo chooses the one that I live behind without knowing where I live.
At that point, I genuinely wanted to cancel my 8pm with the 99%, but cancelling on something is never my style, and I didn't want to send Romeo the wrong impression that I was breaking my word with someone else to be with him. What kind of person would do that?
This ALSO however meant that I only had an hour to see him before I had to go and see the dude that I was currently dating at 10. I wasn't sure what my feelings were going to be with Romeo, but I knew that I needed more than anything to see him and I would be prepared for whatever life dealt me.
I then put on a super sch-mexy outfit and ran out the door not even fully processing what everything was going to mean with Romeo. Right now I had to focus on this date, and the rest will happen when it happens.
The date with my 99% match was alrite, but I never ever want to be him. I'm actually questioning a lot of things about myself right now as is, so to be faced with a walking, talking, version of my reality was a lot to handle.
Within the first half hour of me sitting down I heard all about this dude's sexual antics on Craigslist and while I was obviously prying out of EXTREME curiosity, I could tell he was missing a few emotional chips.
He told me how he doesn't want kids, how he's dated all of these strippers and private dancers ... I mean ... wow. Kudos for the dude for speaking his personal truth - but way to be WAAYYYYY too upfront on a lot of things that scream, I am never settling down.
I might lead my whackadoodle noodle lifestyle now, but it's because I've never HAD a whackadoodle noodle lifestyle. Most people get this shit out of their system in their college years - I happened to not go to college (only teach at them), and never have friends to do crazy cool shit with.
I knew whatever this guy was, and as nice as he is, I did not ever. ever. ever. want any part of it. I am ready to settle down, I thought. I WANT to give guys advice on dating, but I WANT SO BADLY to have a healthy relationship in my life.
Before I went to meet the 99% I had set a timer on my phone to go off at 9. I explained to him that I had to write (not ever a lie with me since my life is morning, noon, and night writing something to someone - somewhere), but that I genuinely enjoyed my time with him (not a lie since he taught me what I don't want from life).
I then grabbed a cab and headed over to see Romeo.
I'm 3 mins away, I texted not even nervous about seeing him - but just excited from the depths of my soul.
I then pay the cabbie and RUNNNNNNNNNN into the bar hoping to see him.
I look to my right - no dice, before I could turn to my left I feel a tap on my shoulder.
I immediately turn around and see Romeo.
Everything hits me like a ton of bricks ...
I. still. love. him.
Tears start to form in my eyes but I quickly embrace before I let him see them.
Hi, I say as I hug him.
Hi, he says. You're so tall.
I laugh saying, oh, I'm wearing my Vances from Blowfish Shoes tonight. My already 5'7 self is pretty freaking tall in these bad boys.
Let's go, he says holding my hand walking me back to his table where I was greeted by two of his friends.
JEN!! one of his friends says. Long time no see!! (I hadn't seen him since that night at Jones in 2009)
Shortly after I grab a seat one of his friends had to leave, but his other friend and I continue to talk. I was genuinely PETRIFIED at looking at Romeo as I could read from his body language he was very open and receptive to me ... but I had to protect my heart first and foremost and make sure 100% that he was level headed enough to date me. I SURE.AS.FUCK. was not willing to allow myself to be his rebound.
I spent the entire night talking to his friend looking over at Romeo and smiling when it felt appropriate, but making it very clear that I wasn't here to just hook up. I could feel in my soul he felt the same way, after all, he waited two months to even call me - but I needed to be 10000000000000% sure before I could emotionally even LET myself get close to him again.
Romeo then buys me a beer as his friend and I debate on everything from politics, to abortion, and every other level of appropriateness inbetween.
Romeo laughs as he says, she's been here for 5 minutes. Could you try to offend her any less?
Taking nothing he was saying as offensive but more as an opening for an intellectual debate, I was ADORING every second of it.
Plus, peripherally I could see Romeo which made me the happiest camper ever.
He didn't look nearly as happy as he did when I did the commercial for him last summer, but I didn't care - I just hoped and prayed that by me doing my own self work with the Shaman he was responding to the call that I was universally sending out.
Somewhere around 10 I lost track of the time, but Romeo then indicated that he wanted to leave.
Where do you live, he asked?
You're not allowed to take me home, I sharply reply. This was a casual, unplanned meet up. Nothing more, I say 5% believing it myself.
Let's go for a walk he says.
We then walk through Hollywood, and not a minute feels like it has gone by. The same person that I've loved from date one was not only still SO HANDSOME, but so composed, and such an adult. 8 years did him good. DAMMMMNNNN good.
Then, I get stopped by a reader of this site on the street.
I smile as I introduce Romeo to them (but with his actual name and not Romeo).
A lot has changed, I say. 2.5 years is a long time to not talk to someone since social media boomed so much, I laugh awkwardly wondering if he can handle the public component of my life now.
He beams with delight and genuine curiosity from not getting the tech space. Whatever you say!! He replies.
He then grabs my hand and kisses me.
My brain goes blank as my body fights to still remain standing.
I hadn't kissed Romeo at that point in nearly 2.5 years and the last time that I did kiss him I was emotionally so vacant. I was now able to feel just HOW FREAKING STRONG our bond is.
Let's walk back to my car, he says.
We then head over to his car and we sit and talk for a few minutes. Everything now felt so different but so much of the same.
I wanted to date you exclusively when you moved back to LA, he said.
I know, I replied. I never stopped loving you, I just couldn't go there at that moment.
I know, he said as he kissed me again.
I pull away indicating that he wasn't going to get much more.
I have to make sure you're in the right headspace, I reply. We've done this for 8 years, and I'm a very very different person now, and genuinely over all of this. I'm ready to settle down, I'm ready to allow more to come into my life.
He then flashes his megawatt smile while agreeing saying, I know. We're both different people now.
I then glance over at the clock and realize I am a half hour late to meet the guy I was currently dating. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to see him at that moment, but no matter what I couldn't be rude and leave him hanging.
I politely excused myself from Romeo's car.
Let me give you a ride back, he says.
I decline. I'm OBNOXIOUSLY close, I say. You genuinely picked the bar I can throw a stone to from my kitchen window.
Thank you for this, I say. I missed you.
We kiss again, holding it for even longer as I open the car door and exit.
I then try to stand and am so lightheaded I trip.
Well done, Friel. One of the most epic moments of your life and you're still a fucking dork. Good job!
I then start walking down the street, unable to even place my headphones on my head. I was so confused to everything I was feeling and so confused on everything that was happening.
It was not only the fact that Romeo was back in my life, but that he was back in SUCH a big way. We were both available, both ready to make a go of things ... this would actually change my ENTIRE philosophy on dating, and on advice that I give to people.
I start sobbing as I walk, but then I am jolted from my system as I hear ... WHO'S THAT SEXY LADY???
The familiar female voice echoed as she got closer.
I then see @acoolong, my very dear tech friend and neighbor.
I don't know what came out of my mouth immediately, but something along the lines of, I just saw my first love .... again .... and I don't know what to do.
Her response was simple: My house or yours?
Yours, I say. I need a neutral space.
We then walk into her house as she lovingly places her arms around me and I begin sobbing.
I explain to her the entire story, and my entire evening from start to finish. My phone then begins ringing from the dude I was supposed to meet.
I can't deal with this right now, I say. What do I even do?
She looks at me and says, you do what's in your heart. What is your heart saying to you?
I without thought click ignore, and continue to pour my soul to her.
She obviously knew about the fake engagement, but said she was surprised because when she read the story she could FEEL the love that I still had for this person.
I know, I said. I've loved him from the moment we first kissed - it just became this extreme defense mechanism in not allowing it since over and over and over he broke my heart, and then I broke HIS!
I explained to her though the soul recognition as well as our extreme "coincidental" connection and she just kept saying over and over, what are you afraid of, Jen?
Mind you too, she was on the ground saying this, as I was on the couch SOBBBBIIINNNNNNNGGGGG. She kept rubbing my leg in such a loving way .... it was everything I needed in that very moment.
I don't know what I'm afraid of, I replied back. Obviously of getting hurt again, which is why I not only didn't immediately jump his bones, but I wouldn't even let him see where I lived. I'm so so so protective of my heart around Romeo because I know what he does to me; I can't resist him.
I then get a text notification, look down, and see this ...
ANNNNNNDDD this is my reality right now.
A few minutes later I left Amanda's and walked home. In. Shock.
It's three days later and I am still in. shock.
Obviously whatever happens between Romeo and I will be between him and I, and taken EXTREMELY slow, but I genuinely cannot believe this is happening. We're told when it comes to love that when you truly, and I mean ... TRULLLYYY love someone, you have to let it go and if it loved you it will come back and it was meant to be. If it doesn't - then it wasn't.
I don't buy the soulmate bullshit. I believe in emotional states of consciousness recognizing each other and wanting to jam. The fact that this is happening is CONFIRMING what my 19 year old self knew and I am jolted to my core.
Outside of my trip to Palm Springs on Friday, I haven't even left my room. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how I am going to take anything slow with someone that melts my motherfucking soul ... but I am confident that Romeo and I have a SHIT TON of work to do together. If this is as genuinely meant to be as the stars have clearly aligned us, we have nothing to rush, and it will all unfold the way it is all "meant to."
You'll just have to excuse me for a moment, but my 27 year old FEROCIOUSLY analytical self is shaken to its core.
#thatisall
