#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick (speaking from an uncomfortable place)
Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.
#nowplaying: Dancing with Myself - Billy Idol
So, this week I have heard from not only the Modern Day Shaman, but through a dream that I had the other night - that I am not currently expressing my thoughts/truth. This, of course, made no sense to me at first because I'm a lifecaster ... all I friggen do is express my thoughts/truth ... but both the Shaman and my unconcious were actually right (shocker). I am not fully expressing my truth, until now.
::deep breath::
...
...
...
K ... I'm ready.
Wait, 75% ready ...
okay, fine 100 ...
I'm scared. I'm actually deathly scared of everything right now. I am now running this new media company, and we have two TV shows in development, I've written 100 pages of my first book, we have a successful stage show in Hollywood ... oh yeah AND this website and all 70 writers ... all sounds awesome and super fancy pants, yet I'm going out of my mind with fear. I know the mantra "life begins outside of my comfort zone" but ALL I am right now is outside of my comfort zone. Personally, professionally, spiritually ... I mean COME ON!!
My eyes have been plucked WIDE OPEN by the Shaman so much so that I've re-evaluated friendships, dating - everything. I'm in this space right now back to being a loner and none of it feels good. I know this is all part of the Shaman's plan, and I genuinely do trust and believe him ... but I'm petrified of everything. I don't have anyone but my own inner voice guiding me, and while that has served me TREMENDOUSLY in the past ... the girl who got picked on so badly in school that she had to get a fucking restraining order against 4 classmates still feels... weird.
I sat in the Shamans office this week and cried from my soul with gratitude. I am so fucking grateful EVERY DAY that I can wake up and do this ... and hustle ... and prove that with TANGIBLE PROOF if you just sit there and set your freaking mind to something with the PUREST of hearts, and LOVE and PASSION ... anything is possible. The producer in me right now is salivating over this story - it's bat shit ... but the nerd in me that had anxiety and depression for 24 years is just crying out. Starting a company is the most insane thing a person could ever do - period end of sentence. You sacrifice everything for something that might ... and I mean MIIGGHHHTTT work out ... but ... I can't imagine not doing it. I've never felt more alive than I have in the last 2.5 years ... I'm just at such an uncomfortable part of this journey. I've actually BEEN this way for months (actually since I got hit with the brick), I just haven't found a way to express it. I've been trying to set boundaries with my life, and with this brand - but it's hard. This is the only thing that makes me feel better both professionally and creatively is writing all of this out.
I don't know what I am doing right now ... and that is okay, because you don't ever have to have the next step figured out, you just have to be aware and present understanding that when you are ready it will be presented to you.
This too shall pass ... I know it ... I just gotta keep dancing.
#kthxbye
