#Adventures in Randomness and Rock & Roll w @leah_cevoli (10 year anniversary)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Leah. She's pretty rad and has an INCREDIBLY random life. Like, no - for reals ... did you know she has an obsession with vampires, psychics, and tarot card readers ... and she had more sex as a teenager than in her 30s ... anddddd she even had two ex boyfriends die violently - one from a heroin overdose, and the other was murdered. Holy moly roli poli oli - that shit be cray cray. Either way, she's now here to write about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT LEAH!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Leah_Cevoli

So, Friday March 16th marked the 10th year Anniversary (Deathaversary ?-- I never know what to call it), of the greatest love of my life (so far).

I say, "greatest love of my life" because honestly, even though we were young, (we dated off and on from age 15-27), Steve always, had my heart on lock-down. Not a single guy I dated during that time, was not jealous of and insecure about our connection. I have to admit, I played into it, and Steve did too. We thought it was funny.

And, no one has come close in the 10 years since he has passed to making me feel so safe, so loved, so respected, and just "at home". No matter what the day brought, sitting on Steve's couch laughing at The Simpsons, erased it all.

We had this sexual chemistry, that I haven't found with anyone since, and still to this day makes me blush, thinking of the things we were doing at age 17.

I say "so far", because I truly hope to one day meet another man that I fall madly in love with, who loves me back, who introduces me to his family and vice versa, and whom I can envison a marriage and my own family with.

All that being said, 10 years is a fucking long time.

After 10 months, I wrote this: http://memorials.drugfree.org/ 

After 5 years, I wrote this: http://princess74.livejournal.​com/496671.html

And now after 10 years, I'm writing this.

I want to make it clear, that I in NO WAY, have any idea the pain that his Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Sister-in-law, nieces and nephews feel, and they will always be extended family to me.

 

And I know, and have been told by so many people, over the years that I have to just let it go... and I am... slowly, but surely.
But I dont think there will ever be a year that goes by that I dont cry on March 16th.

I went to a therapist about 4 years ago, I didn't go to him long, cause I really dont see the point in dredging up the past every session, and feeling like shit after, but the one thing he said, that really hit home, "you lost a possible future when he died. He was a potential husband to you." And when you put it that way, it's like WOW, yeah, a future that is completely and utterly changed. That's not to say if Steve was still alive we'd be married with 3 kids by now, but there was a possibility. And that possibility no longer exists.

That's huge. I cried a lot on the way home from that session.

Then about 2 years ago, I was chatting on the phone with one of those guys, you know the type, reformed drug addict, attends AA and NA mtgs 24/7, so his phone calls tend to veer on the "meeting/counseling" side... anyways, we didnt know each other well, but after a few in-depth, tell me about your past conversations, he flat out told me, I needed to let my ex-go.

I hung up the phone, knowing he was right, but still pissed that a practical stranger would have the balls to say that, and then I looked around my bedroom. A framed photo of Steve as a teenager, with his Mass card on my wall... and I thought, holy hell, YOU'RE DATING A GHOST!

All these years, and you've been dating a ghost. Why the hell do you have your deceased ex's photo on your bedroom wall?

I moved him to the living room wall.

And just a few weeks ago, I moved him to a bookshelf.

It hurts.

I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid he'll go away. See, I don't want to say, I talk to ghosts or I can communicate with the after life..but I sort of can, at least the 4 or 5 deceased friends/family that keep in touch with me.

And by keep in touch I mean, any time I've gone to see a medium, and most psychics, they always have messages for me from beyond. Always, my Nannie, and often times Steve, with a few others now and then.

I myself, don't know how to channel, and I cant physically touch or see ghosts, all though there was one beautiful summer day about 7 years ago, when I swear I saw Steve riding in my convertible next to me, playing air drum and singing Journey at the top of his lungs. I truly saw him. But for the most part, at the most, it's a strange sensation, a knowing, that there's an energy shift in the room, a temperature change, and just a "feeling" and I can usually tell by the "feeling" who it is in the room.

 

Or maybe I'm just crazy

  

Last month, I started regularly seeing a Reiki practicitoner. After one session, she told me that Steve (and my Nannie) had come thru during my session. And for ye doubters, she described him, where he worked, how he passed, and had a msg for me. There is NO WAY in hell, my Reiki practictioner could have ever guess where he worked. Long, scruffy hair, fine.  Drug overdose, fine.  But his occupation?!  Nope, no way. And this time... even his message to me was that I needed to let go of the past.

I know, I may have lost some of you, at this point with all this talk of communicating with the dead, but I am a life-long believer in the supernatural and things of that sort... I could go on and on with personal examples, but suffice it to say that this past weekend of his 10th passing, has been an intense one for me. I was working all sorts of crazy jobs, all over the place, and long hours, but the intensity that I felt Steve's precense as I drove home Friday night, and finally had the chance to cry, was overwhelming.

The heat on my body and chest, the tightness, the only thing I can equate it to was a hug, a big body crushing, never let you go, bear hug. I pleaded out loud to show me some sign, do something with the radio I kept repeating in my head, throw a random Journey or Ozzy song on a channel they don't belong on and I'll know you're really here trying to communicate with me.... and then this came on:

I had never heard this song...

So yeah, I'm trying to let go, I'm trying to move on with an irreplaceable piece of my heart missing....

I promised his family, and myself, (and a Sunset Strip Psychic), that I would be writing a book someday about all of this..

 

After 10 months I wrote this: http://memorials.drugfree.org/

After 5 years I wrote this: http://princess74.livejournal.​com/496671.html

Aftter 10 years I wrote this blog.

  

Maybe by 15 years, I'll have a published book, but right now... 10 years just feels way too long, to be without my Steven.

RIP Steven Jeffrey Focht  3-31-1973  ~ 3-16-2002

Live Love. Love Life.

#xoxo

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