#FML: The End of Friendship

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

In society we have this unwritten rule that when you break up with someone it is almost like a mini divorce. First, you give back any items that left at the others place and split things that you got as a couple or burn them depending on the nature of the break up. Second, you split your friends. You each take the friends that were yours prior to the relationship and then separate the ones made during it based on whom they sided with during the break. This is always an awkward moment for friends and sometimes you even lose some of the ones you had prior to the dark side. Third, you split the venues you frequented as a couple and make yet another unspoken rule:  that your favorite spot to eat as a couple will not be used as a new couple's spot with anyone new. The same rule applies to whatever song you used as the defining song in your relationship all because of the insanely wild chance at love you took didn't pan out. The search for that one soul you connect with wasn't this person:  the highly unlikely chance that you are compatible. 

We work so hard to form ourselves into these molds,  so we can work as a couple only to break or leave ourselves miserable.  There are indoor type people going hiking, introverts forced to endure long hours at bars with their new socialite, eating food they never thought they would even try, and watching movies they think are awful, all because this is what we do in a relationship.  You change everything about yourself to be with someone who is most assuredly changing everything about themselves to be with you. Then you both settle back into your previous comfort zone and realize the person you fell for is a complete stranger. Then you spend the next few months deciding if you can deal with the new reality of this person. Some give up right away,. Others trudge on and see if they can make it work. Begrudgingly, we deal with little annoyances that plague us from the onslaught we are getting to know from these people very well by learning their mannerisms and how best to react to situations. 

Lets say you make it a ways down that path and realize this whole thing just isn't working. Generally, resulting in a fight or a break up. Why are break ups so intense? Because even from the start we invest so much time and energy into relationships that having them fail feels like losing a chunk of our lives. It leaves us with a hole in our heart; a hole the size of the one we loved. Even before we commit to the end we already assume the inevitable loss of a very close friend.

We work very hard and open ourselves up to this one person like no other. We want them to know they can trust us. So we let down our guard and let them in. They see us in our weird, our dark, our light and visa verse. They see ALL of us that there is and we see them at their most vulnerable.  Intensify that by 100, if you say, “I love you!”  take all this intimate knowledge you now possess about this person and toss it aside. Take the time you invested and throw it away. Why? Because you failed at finding that ONE true love. It makes no sense.  

What we  should be doing is using this relationship as a guide to better hone in on the “one”, what we truly want in a partner. The end of a relationship should bring about new insights into ourselves and if we throw that previous partner aside we lose one of the most valuable assets in our lives. We lose one of the few people that could have told us about ourselves, about the things that annoyed them, surprised them, turned them on, or made them love us. Our previous partners shouldn't be our enemies. They should be our closest friends and allies. You must first give them the time and space they need to break the habit of that relationship and revert it back to a friendship. The only reason to tear someone like this from your life is if they wronged you physically or mentally in such a way that forgiveness isn't an option. Oh, I see you out there, saying it can't be done.  I'm here to say it can! 

Two of my very closest partners I was in a relationship with for over a year. Yes, sexual.  Yet, here I am recently spending time with one of them and her new husband. So many people kept asking me if it was awkward. Not in the slightest. I felt the same thing I always do whenever one of my friends gets married while I'm still single.  I'm just a little lonely and I wonder when it will be my turn. However, I don't feel awkward during their relationship or marriage. I love her husband he's a wonderful “stand up” guy and she's still the same girl I loved. Changed now due to our own new personal histories, but for the better in the end. We kept the dialog alive and walk together now as friends and allies. Leaning on each other for support when we needed it most and rejoicing in each others triumphs as well, we do  all this now because we know each other so well. I truly wish them everything and mean it. 

Was it a difficult path to get here? You can bet your ass it was. Still, from this now fast friendship I have learned more about myself than ever before. She has imparted on me some of my most hideous character flaws. She has supported me in my new romantic pursuits.  She has guided me to better react to situations that I find myself. Better still, she is horribly protective of my heart. She doesn't want it to hurt again, even if she was one of the reasons it was hurt in the past. There are times with new relationships that having an ex as a close friend complicates things. Still to this day I will stand by my decision to keep her in my life. To fight for the friendship after the relationship had ended. We kept that and we are both so grateful for where it has led us. We both see after all the dust settled, we can go to the same bars, hang out with the same friends and hold on to the things we loved together. Our friends don't have to feel like they must pick sides although some still claim one side or the other. We are happy. Just realize it is a fight. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done:  breaking my mental recognition of her as a lover to a friend. However, I wouldn't trade what we have now for the world. I don't think she would either. 

So next time you find yourself with someone you really connect with, but it just isn't working out, make sure you fight to keep that close friendship. Saying, “Let's just be friends” doesn't have to be a polite goodbye. It could be the beginning of an unbreakable bond forged in the fires of passion and doused in failure. Only to come out complete and as sharp as a double edged sword. 

#nerdsunite

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