#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Ode To My Rebound)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie
So, in the midst of writing about the ending of my breakup, I had something great happen to me. I met a boy and I actually really liked him. I was super scared to write about him because I knew it would make him uncomfortable and I didn't want to do something that would mess things up. Meeting him made me happy, scared, nervous, anxious, high on Cloud 9, excited. The point is, after everything that happened with my ex, I found out that I am capable of feeling. That my heart isn't completely damaged.
But like I said, I was also really scared. Numerous people around me, including my therapist, all said that it was waaaay too soon for me to be getting involved with someone. So, well over a month ago I wrote this piece:
Where Am I Going From Here?
When you're a serial monogamist being single is hard. Really hard. Actually, I was doing just fine with being single until I met someone that I actually liked and started dating. Then I wasn't fine. We went to a concert together and stood there, arms around each other. "OMG!" I thought, "I forgot how awesome this is. I have missed having someone to hold so much!". Other comforts were there, too. Waking up next to someone. There may be no greater joy in this world for me then waking up and looking over at someone and then snuggling up to them. That and I think morning sex is the best way to kick start your day. Even better than coffee.
That said, playing it cool may not be the serial monogamist's forte when they get a taste of that relationship crack. I live by my heart, I fall hard. I have moved twice to be with someone (although FTR, I always make sure there is plenty of value in the move for me, too). Every bit of my brain knows that you energetically need to play it cool to keep someone interested in you. That the moment you get needy or really want them, they sense it and you aren't as appealing anymore. Knowing this does not help my heart. It always wants more. I tell myself, girl, you've only been single for...well..officially since March..but kinda not really...so maybe since like August, so why are you already kinda getting serious with someone?
I've realized since I became single that I am a huge nurturer. That not having someone to take care of is fucking killing me. I've been living without my ex since March and I have cooked twice. I couldn't handle the idea of cooking for just me. It seemed so sad. And for me cooking is an extension of the soul. I don't want to put my sadness into my food. So it took me until the beginning of 2012, fucking 9 months later, to cook dinner just for myself.
So instead of dating more people, I've gone in the opposite direction. I've felt crazy for far too long, I just am not ready to be crazy again. Who am I kidding, it's too late. But anyhow, I temporarily deactivated my OKCupid account. I am supposed to be focusing on me, right? What's a normal amount of time to be single after getting out of a seven year relationship? Should I be fighting my feelings? Because my brain is screaming at me to not be involved with anyone, reminding myself of how I can do whatever the hell I want currently. I don't have to check in with anyone.
Ohhhhh, but waking up next to you..
Well, unfortunately, he solved this dilemma for me.
Let me back up. I met him in November. After my roommate challenged me to go on 3 dates to get back into the saddle, I went on a fourth. I figured what the hey, I was already talking to him on OKCupid due to the whole 3 dates thing. Plus, he was super cute. And he liked Jeff Buckley and Cowboy Bebop. Dudes almost never like Jeff Buckley. We hit it off immediately. With previous guys if they even texted me too much after the date I would freak out. But I ended up hanging out with this guy the NEXT night. And I met some of his friends that night. Whoa. Less than a week later we had our third date. We hadn't kissed yet and I was extremely nervous. At that point I still hadn't kissed anyone since my ex fiance. He was really shy about it, it was super cute. When we finally did kiss, omg, I've never experienced something so wow before. We had a very epic make up session on the front patio of this bar and then we rushed back to my house. More epicness.
We spent two months together. It's not that long but it's long enough. There's a Vampire Weekend song, "I Think You're A Contra" and the opening line is "I had a feeling once that you and I/ Could tell each other everything for two months". Back when I was in my very long term relationship I used to laugh at that. Two months? That's nothing. Now I understand that the first two months can be an amazing, weird time.
So, two months. I didn't even think about my ex. I even hoped that he had a girlfriend so that he could be happy. On our actual two month anniversary we hung out with a bunch of his friends, bar hopped and had a great night. Then right after two months I went to Vegas. He made actual effort to come over and see me the night before I was to leave. I would never have thought that would be the last time I would see him. But then he went to San Fran for a week and somewhere in that time, things changed for him. I tried to text him and hang out with him but I got blown off. After not seeing him for a month I assumed it was over. Then on Friday I got a phone call from him. I feel like an asshole because I got so excited when I saw his name on my phone. I feel like an asshole because he was calling me to tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. He said that while he was away something picked back up with someone who has been in his life for some time and he felt like he really needed to see it through. But he also said he really liked hanging out with me and that we were good together?? And that "maybe our paths will cross paths again in the future =)". I don't know what the fuck all of that is suppose to mean. No matter how much it fucking kills me, our paths will not cross in the future. You chose someone else over me! I am not going to accept 2nd place in your life.
All this mere days before my first ever as an adult sans valentine Valentine's Day. Oh, and two weeks ago I found out that my ex has a girlfriend. Double blow to my heart.
I cannot help but feel like shit. Another man leaving me for another woman.
I find it very respectable that he had the balls to actually call me and tell me this. It's so hard to do that. It was just so fucking hard actually hearing someone say that they do not want to be with me. I never thought things with him would last but I thought it would be because he would freak out over the idea of commitment (he hasn't been in a serious anything in years). Or that he would want to date/have sex with other people. Never in a million would I have thought it would be because he was going to pursue something serious with someone else.
Despite the fact that I feel like shit and I am fucking crying, this really is an ode. I don't think I will ever understand what really happened with him or if I did something wrong but I am truly happy that I met him and was able to feel again. I gained another life experience that most people that are 29 have. Dating is so new and confusing to me. I got scared at one point about this blog - what would I write about when I ceased to want to write about my ex? But dating is so new to me and soooo fucking confusing that I do not think I will be short on material anytime soon.
So thank you! Thank you! Thank you for making my heart race, for the fun times, the great sex and for my realization that when I'm ready to be in a relationship I will be able to jump into it because I am not broken.
#nerdsunite
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