#NerdsUnite: Are you letting your past hold you hostage?

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Have you moved on from your past? The past can hold us back in many ways and living in the past can leave you struggling to move forward. Bad decisions in the past can lead you to believe that’s who you are and that you cannot change. Where and how you were raised can have an impact on what you think your personal worth might be. Regret and shame can weigh you down like a ton of bricks, prohibiting you from escaping.

Let’s say that in the past you have made some bad decisions and the results of those decisions have left you feeling upset with yourself. It can be hard to think that you can change, therefore you continue to make the wrong choices. It turns in to an endless circle of self-sabotage. It’s called self-defeatism. It’s easy to wonder why some amazingly bright people put themselves into a position to do well in life, yet at the eleventh hour they seem to throw it all away. Perhaps because of the past they don’t feel worthy of those victories.

I don’t want to play therapist in this blog to figure out why this happens. What I do want to talk about is getting over it and moving on.

Here are 5 ways to move on:

1. Closure – Is there anything in this moment that you can do to rectify how you feel about a specific decision? Is there someone you can apologize to? Can you fix the old outcome in any certain way?
2. Learn from the mistake – You can’t change what happened, but you make the best of the situation by learning from your mistake so that it doesn’t happen again. Can you look back and understand why you made the decision you made? What can you learn from it that can help you make better decisions the next time you find yourself in a similar situation? Try to understand that you can become a better person for having made a bad decision and learning from it.
3. Tell someone – Perhaps telling someone close to you about what happened and how you feel about it will help to clear your mind. Telling someone will also allow you to get feedback from a different perspective, which can help you see the event more clearly to gather a better understanding of it.
4. Write it out – Many people keep journals for this specific reason. It can be just as effective as telling someone about it. Writing has a cathartic essence to it that can allow you to feel cleansed. Once again by writing about it, you can get some clarity on the past.
5. Accept responsibility for it – Many people will simply sweep the issues in their life under the rug, essentially ignoring it rather than taking the problem on. Therefore, it will never go away and will be constantly nagging at you, exposing itself in inopportune times causing depression and anxiety. Taking responsibility for it will allow yourself to take control of the issue and when you are able to accept the mistake you are able to move past it.

If you are continually making the same mistakes over and over again in your life and in relationships, perhaps you have an anchor that needs releasing. Think about some of your less desirable moments and see if there is a moment that you still have to work through. Spend some time understanding how you got yourself in such a situation and how you handled it. What can you do to change the outcome next time? What did you learn? Move on.

You’ll be surprised how good you’ll feel about yourself after coming to terms with your past.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.