#NerdsUnite: Ask That Nerdy Chick (I said no to my ex, but he kept going. Was it rape?)
It is my goal for 2012 to take a lot of my weird and wonky experiences as a lifecaster and help nerdy peeps out by providing a frank (not shirley) and honest answer to some weird and potentially random questions you may have about life.
Here's a question I got via email today ...
Dear Talk Nerdy to Me Lover,
Hello. I enjoy your Question and Answer column that appears periodically; unfortunately I have a very serious question for you.
Q: I was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend (we were contemplating getting back together, though I had some reservations). He asked me “do you want to have sex?” and I said “no.” He said again, “let’s have sex” and I again said “no.” He asked “can I have a blow-job then?” and I said “no.” I did not want to have sex right then and said “no” to communicate this to him. However, he removed my pants and began to have sex with me anyway. I was shocked and did not know what to do, so I laid there. Afterwards, I was extremely quiet for a moment and then I became very, very angry. My ex said that I could have put my clothes on and left if I had wanted to and that I needed to take responsibility. Because I didn’t scream and try to hit him, was what he did to me rape?
Wow. I've never had a question like this. First of all, I'd like to commend you on your bravery and for the fact that you came to me with something like this. Super heavy and extremely brave of you.
Easy answer to this is yes. What he did is absolutely considered rape. No means no. Very black and white.
It's difficult in situations like this though when someone is in that position of power over you. You obviously care a lot about this guy, as you were contemplating getting back together, and what he did betrayed your trust. THAT IS NOT OKAY!!!!
Few suggestions:
1) I don't know the legalities behind something like this but to empower yourself I would definitely call your non-emergency local police department. Ask them what your options are, if any, just so you can at least have the information. If you then choose to press charges, that's up to you and obviously you have my FULL support - but at least by calling you'll never have to wonder.
2) Whether or not you can press charges I'd definitely talk to a counselor. Depending on how old you are there are various "youth" groups that have private counseling. Most of them are free or extremely cheap ($10 or less per session). If you aren't in that school-ish age, you can still ask the officer that you speak to for any victims groups. Here in LA after I got hit in the head with the brick I was offered a TOOONNNNNN of counseling free of charge from the state. Victims have a lot of rights, and depending upon your state coverage for it might be taken care of.
3) Go for a run or beat the shit out of a pillow. Losing your power in a situation like that will no doubt start to eat you alive. Even if you talk about it, even if you are able to seek some sort of justice - whatever the case, sometimes there is NOTHING better than just breaking something. Obvi, be smart, and don't go and break his face, but I now jog every morning and I can't BEGIN to tell you how amazing it is for my mental health on particularly stressful days.
4) Know you are not alone. In 80-90% of rape cases the person knows the victim. Here are some resources on date rape.
I don't even have the words to express how sorry I am that this happened to you, or to ANYONE that is reading this that finds this relatable. It's not okay!!! Your job in this scenario however is to be the victor and not the victim. Don't let this experience define you. I know I let a lot of my past take hold of me and it's not a way to live.
First things first though, process, and find out your rights. Please please please keep us posted and lmk if there's anything I can do to help. hang in there babe. xo
Got a question? Drop me an email! JenFriel at TalkNerdyToMeLover dot com
ORRRRR you can message me on Facebook and if it's within 140 characters on the twitter!
Best of luck out there nerds!!
xoxo <3 @JenFriel
