#NerdsUnite: The Relationship (The One That Wasn't- Part 3)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

It was a few more days before she actually talked to me again and was excited to see me.  She's always excited to see me. I hoped it was because she had figured out just what to do with whatever we had become.

Much to my surprise it was to tell me, that over the weekend she had found, “The ONE!” The perfect guy for her and that must have been why her heart wouldn't let her fall for me. I was really stunned at this point. I just gritted my teeth and tried to smile for her new found happiness, screaming on the inside. She saw it written all over my face. Told me it was probably a bad time to have told me that. Ya think? I told her it wasn't, in a bit of a bitter tone, that in doing so it sealed the deal on my heart ache. Which it did, it cauterized it with fire. Because of that I was able to instantly cut her heart strings from mine. She explained that it was because he was so much like her. That with me I had this barrier of happiness flowing around me. That is stopped any bad from entering into me.

I had never really thought about it that way. She contended that because of that barrier, I had never really had to give up the girls I had dated. That I bounced back so fast, I never allowed myself to truly feel pain. So since each of those girls still had active parts of my heart, I couldn't have ever really given her my whole heart. I told her I had given her my whole heart, I had given her my all. She said she needed it all, not just what was left. In that moment my barrier shattered. The barrier I just found out was there, came crashing down and the heartache of 12 years came streaming into me all at once. I felt sick. Really sick. I ran into my room and put on, “As the world falls down” by Girl in a Coma. Yeah I felt like a teenage girl. Just lying there in my bed trying to breathe, trying not to cry. She came in and jumped on me and the bed and told me I wasn't allowed to feel pain. I was cursed with happiness and that’s not such a bad curse. She brought me back up. She helped me piece together my barrier then and it’s still not as powerful as it once was. She held me that night as the darkest parts of my past fought to get inside me. Truly, one of my darkest days.

She promised I would always have her love, even if that didn't mean having her heart. She wasn't going anywhere. I knew better though. The whole dynamic was about to change. She had found someone else to be with. She was moving on and to her it wasn't drastic. She didn't have to change anything really when it came to us, because she had only ever seen me as a friend. I guess... I still felt she had seen me as more, but that’s beside the point now.  For me it was a fight with reality. I had to change my stars. I had to readjust the whole of the way I saw her. I had to stop loving and longing for her. It was a very hard week.
 
We had been scheduled to go see a Dropkick Murphey’s show after my birthday that following weekend. A birthday she gracefully dipped out on. Probably for the best in that regard I’m pretty sure most of my friends were out for her blood at this point. They can be very protective. One even had a gun... not even kidding. Of course that girl always carries a gun. The concert grew near and she was still very hard to get a hold of. Still, when I did talk to her she was confident she was going. Not until the day of the show did I see her again and she gave me the same big hug as always. In that instant she felt that everything had changed. She questioned me, called me a liar when I said I was fine, and tried to read my silence. We had a third wheel with us though and I didn't want to talk about it in front of him. I could barely look at her the whole way there.

When we got there, I stole some time with her and told her how everything had changed. How I couldn't be with her the way I had been. She understood, but I told her it would take some time. I knew this was the beginning of the end for what we had created. I knew she would always be there for me if I needed her. Just not the way I had hoped. Luckily, spending 3 hours in a punk rock mosh pit slamming into each other took away the bitter taste I had in my mouth for her sudden absence in my life. We both got out a lot of our frustrations that night. It was an amazing show, we came home and crashed out again in my bed. Still I was done mentally; I hadn't tears to spare for her anymore, nor sentiment to give her from my heart. Those paths had all been taken and I wasn't falling again. Who knows what the future holds for us both? I know we love each other, of that she has told me many times. It’s not quite the type of love I was looking for. I want it all. I want the girl to be mine fully. I still need to seek the one for me. I’m sure she’s out there. I have just grown so tired of the games I have to play to get there. Seems everyone is looking to build a relationship with a stranger, to find someone to love that they have never met. What I want to do is build a foundation with someone. So that when we do get into the relationship part, what we build is a solid on a foundation centered on trust. We had that, she was missing the spark though. That’s why the fall hurt so much. I had that spark for her. We had spent so long on our foundation that it was sad not to be able to build on that, to craft a future together. What we build there will be a structure of friendship. Not a house for love. So I guess I’m back to looking for a new girl to let me craft a foundation with.

You see I like to court a girl. I like the old fashioned approach to love where you get to know a person and then decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with them. That’s the building blocks of a solid relationship, one that will stand the test of time, where you truly do become the best of friends, and life just comes together perfectly through trial and error. I haven’t found it yet and I don’t know if I’ll survive the next fall if it turns out not to be the one. This one was too close for comfort. Still I will persevere. I will fight because deep down I am and always will be a hopeless romantic. I may always go after the impossible, but that’s because I dream big. I know what I can get and I shoot for the moon. The stars will keep me company and the night sky will be the highway to our lives. The love I find will be that of legend and tales will be told for ages to come.

Let me tell you this dear readers, when love finally works out for me that girl will be my Goddess. I will worship the ground she walks on.  She will be my everything and my heart will forever be hers. Until that time I will continue to wander delighting in any adventure along the way. Adding story after story to my chest of memories. Until I find the girl who looks at me with wide eyes, eager to hear another story, to be part of them, to be my eternal fire. Lord willing this will happen soon. I don’t do well alone. I feel I was made for companionship. So here's to my future companion. May the wind blow you ever closer to me with each passing day, may the gods you worship grant you the sight to see me, and may your troubles be not so great as to obscure our coupling.

#nerdsunite

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