#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen: You give another guy a lap dance on your first date

Nov 13

AAWWWKKWWWAAARRRRDDD!!!

So, these past few days have been bananas. Not only did I hitchhike for the first time in my life, BUT I was asked to strip and instead as a cop out performed a lap dance. Did I mention this was on a first date in San Francisco?

Yep, that happened.

I don't even know the song that goes with this post. Something along the lines of "hey, apparently you're a hussy!!"

I'm not so sure about the trajectory of my life at this point. ::sigh::

My new best friend AmberSo, last week, I got hit up by this chickadee I met at the Villa while staying with Hermione and Ben for the premier of their show on Bravo, Start-Ups: Silicon Valley.

Let's meet Friday, she said. Hollywood.

Aight, I replied. (I wasn't actually that cool, but you get the idea.)

We then agreed to meet over at the Roosevelt and unfortunately she was super late.

NOOOO!!!! I thought. She's so rad, but I have a social dynamics workshop to teach at 7:30! (See, I've taken all of the experience I've had in dating and now have turned it into a workshop with @redolpho. Good, good shit! Two of our students are already in relationships after just the first workshop. I'm such a proud mama hen!!!)

Either way, we chatted for a bit plotting world domination but then I told her I had to jet.

I'm so sorry I said, but I gotta hop the bus to get back to my side of town. I have a workshop in just a few minutes.

Not a problem, she said. Let me walk you to your bus!

We then walk down to sunset and wait for the bus.

I pull up the schedule on Google maps but quickly realize I am going to be late.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, I said. I can't be late for my own workshop - that's SUPER lame-o.

I need to grab a cab, I said. I go to call one, but realize it would still take at least 15 minutes.

FUUUCCKKKKKKKK.

A limo then pulls up.

Let's grab this, she said. Don't mind if I put on a British accent but I have found that people were generally more accepting of it and willing to be helpful if they thought you were a foreigner.

I stare back at her.

Who the fuck is this chick!?!?

Excuse me, she says in a British accent.

The limo then drives off but pulls over at the next block.

Look, she said, he stopped!

We run over.

The driver gets out and unfortunately walks right past us and into In-N-Out.

NOOOO!!! We both lamented.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, I said. I HAVE to get a cab. Now this is no longer an option.

I then attempt to hail a cab (which is not only not that easy to do in LA, but little known fact, also illegal), but alas, none were in sight.

A truck with two men then pull up.

Their window is down.

Excuse me, says my new best friend in her fake british accent. Can we trouble you for a lift just to crescent heights? We're going to be late for something and can't seem to get a cab.

The men then look at each other, and look back at us.

Alrite, says the driver as the passenger then steps out.

Mind you this is AT A RED LIGHT with TRAFFIC on Sunset blvd on a Friday night.

Totally normal.

I stare back at my new friend thinking, WHHAAAATTT did I just get myself into!?!?

I climb into the back of the truck, my friend follows.

Thank you so so much, she says again in the fake accent.

Not a problem, the men say in unison.

Where are you guys headed? my friend asks.

Just up the road too, they say clearly not wanting to answer the question.

How do you guys know each other? I ask.

This is my son, the driver says.

Oh hello!!! I say introducing myself.

You're going to be a story on this girl's site, says Amber (new best friend). She's an internet celebrity!

I start laughing.

I have no idea what she is talking about, I say.

What's the site, they ask?

Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover I say with pride.

I'll have to check it out, says the son.

Here's my card, I say handing it to him.

The driver then pulls into the gas station on the corner of crescent heights and sunset (our destination).

Thank YOOOOUUUUU!!! I say with a big hug. I'm just up the street.

Let's take a picture, says Amber. She'll put it on her site.

So, we did ...

.... and I now have posted it ...

I then bid Amber goodbye and then RAANNNNNNNNNN up the hill in my Nike+ kicks.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, can't be late!!!

I finally make it EXACTLY at 7:30 and the students are already at my door.

You ready for some lives to change? I ask Eric (@redolpho) as we high five.

We then hosted the social dynamics workshop, and here is what one of our students said ...

I cried when I read that message.

To watch these guys in just TWO WORKSHOPS go from not being able to talk to women, to HAVE A BARTENDER WRITE HER NAME ON ONE OF THE STUDENTS HANDS was just ... OUT OF CONTROL.

Social dynamics isn't just about picking up chicks, it changes ALL of the aspects of your life. Business, friends, etc. Literally everything changes when you stop getting in your own way and start to appreciate who you are and understand and harness your own value.

I then woke up and grabbed brunch (my fav meal) with this guy I've been dating.

What are you up to the rest of the weekend, he asked?

I'm headed to San Francisco, I said.

When?

This afternoon!

Oh shit. Alright, what for?

A date, I said with a smile. (obvi he reads the site)

You're flying up to San Francisco for a date?

Yeah, I said non-chalantly. My second one this week!!

And the men fly you there?

Yes, I said. They fly me everywhere! (except the bravo dude, but he had his own shit going on)

Do you sleep with these men, he asked?

Nope. I said. I always ask for my own room, or my own space.

What's the benefit for them, he asked?

I might like them.

Haha, he said with a laugh and a smile. Right.

He calls me guarded all the time, and he's right - I am. But I'm also on my own little journey and if this is presented to me, who am I to turn it down? I always get a story out of it which keeps this site up and running. I'm not mad at it and I'm PAINFULLY optimistic that I might find someone someday.

You're going to end up chopped up in a box, he said.

No I'm not, I reassured. I spend my life studying and reading people. I know this guy is not only legit, he won't place a hand on me - watch, I said placing a bet.

Alrite, he said. As long as someone knows where you are ...

... I tweet everything, I said with a smile.

He then dropped me off at the airport (which was extremely, extremely kind of him) and with just a hug bid me farewell.

Smell ya later, I said and thanks again for everything!

He waved good bye as I went into the terminal and moments later boarded my plane.

I then arrived in SF an hour later and my date greeted me at the gate.

Hello, he said with a big hug.

Hello! I said putting my stuff in the trunk.

We then went for coffee (which was very much needed) and we discussed The Alchemist (my favorite book).

That was what attracted me to this dude in general. He's extremely spiritual, and philosophical. He's also obvi super fancy pants and a business dude, so figuring I could learn something this was all around just a win.

We then arrived at his house and this place. was. massive.

With three homes on the property it's not a "house" it's a fucking compound.

He had a guest house, pool house, and then the main living quarters.

My mom is coming next week to help me decorate and clear out the clutter, he explained.

This place is NUTS! I say while I am on the guided tour.

And here is where you will be, opening up the door to the guest house.

Thank you, I say placing my bag on the ground.

I then washed up as he went back into the main house and an hour later we met for dinner.

Where are we going? I asked in the kitchen.

Supper club. Have you been?

Nope, I said. I know there is one in LA but it smells too douchey for my taste.

Great, he said. You're just the right kind of person to take to a place like this.

Unsure what that meant I just smiled and nodded.

We then arrive at Supper club and are seated on a bed with half naked female dancers contorting their limber bodies in front of us.

Yep, this is what he meant, I thought.

<tangent> Let me just put this out there, this shit on a first date does nothing for me. (and neither do strip clubs) Just because I am sexually speaking extremely, extremely open minded doesn't necessarily mean that this is an ideal first date for me. I dig good conversation - wherever that can occur or manifest is totally kosher for passover. Just conversation, that's my only requirement. </tangent>

A massage therapist then approaches us.

Woah, he says literally snapping fingers in front of his face.

Who are you? You glow!

I start laughing.

Thank you, I reply. I'm Jen, I say out stretching my hand and introducing my date.

Hello, he replies back.

What do you do, Jen?

I run a website, I say.

Wow, he said. You are alive, you can see it when someone looks at you. Congrats on being alive and many blessings on everything it is that you do.

Thank you, I say with a solid laugh at being "congratulated at being alive." That's a first, I thought.

Let me know if you guys want a massage, he says. I'll be around all evening.

Thank you! We both say in unison as he walks away.

My date then schooches closer to me.

A man shouldn't ever approach another man's woman like that. That's not how we do it on the east coast.

I SHOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTT a look at him, thinking is he for real? I say over and over that I'm a people magnet. This is my universal constant - people will ALWAYS randomly start talking to me. For this dude to want "property" immediately the date could have ended.

This is ABSOLUTELY NEVER going to work out, I thought. He can't handle it.

Which, btw, to his credit he sort of admitted immediately before the date. We had been talking on the phone, and he told me that I am the kind of girl that would break his heart so he'd rather be cautious and just say no.

I got SO frustrated because that was the reason Antonio wouldn't date me either. You need to be you, he kept saying. You're very good at it and I can't hold you back.

Bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT, I said.

FTR, Antonio was the one that wound up breaking my heart, but either way - super grateful to have met him.

Wow, I said to myself, I need to listen to the men that say things like that. It becomes a constant that someone in this dynamic just isn't going to click. It's not even his fault, he just has certain expectations, and I have certain constants. We both need to speak our truths and there is no backing down in life.

We're never going to date, I said to myself in that moment.

The show was then continuing, and the MC asked for volunteers.

4 people immediately popped up. I remained seated.

Two more, she said.

No one moved.

TWO MORE, she screamed. Who wants a free bottle of champagne?!?!

You had me at champagne, I thought.

I then BOLTED out of my seat and up to the main stage.

Are you guys ready to work for this bottle? She asked.

Oh shit, I thought. What did I just get myself into.

The bartender behind us then offers shots.

I can handle this, I thought. Need to stay sober to keep my cool and strategise.

If you want this bottle, the MC instructed, you are going to have to STRIP.

I stare back and think oh HELLLLLL no child.

One, out of respect for my date. It's not kosher for the first place for him to see your hoo-hahs is in front of a massively large club like this. Secondly, it's just genuinely not my scene. I've gone half naked swimming in the grotto at the Playboy Mansion once, but genuinely outside of that becoming the center of attention based on your sexuality has never been my style.

The first guy goes up and starts stripping.

No, No, NO!!! I thought. I'm about to walk out.

The next girl then goes up, and doesn't strip but dances extremely suggestively on the floor.

Alrite, I thought, this is getting better.

It is then my turn.

I stare out at the chairs a few feet away and think - you're mine.

I grab a chair placing it on the floor.

I then grab the collar of the first dude, and say, I need you.

I then sit him in the chair and suggestively strip off my red wolf spirithood booty shaking in his face.

I'm really sorry, I say as I turn back around.

He starts laughing. It's very much okay.

The dance is then over and I try to see my date.

This is a first, I thought. I've never given ANOTHER guy a lap dance on a first date before.

I then went back to the table and my date was pretty cool with it. You could tell in general that he was nervous, and at that point I KNEW we could never date so I kept asking him a series of questions to negate any of the potential awkwardness.

We then went back to the house (early by like 10:30 or 11), and went to sleep. (I didn't win the bottle of champagne.)

I woke up the next morning, and went into the main house.

What are we doing today? I asked.

We're going to go wine tasting in Napa.

Shut the front door, I said. That's AWESOME!

We then went wine tasting in Napa, and I discovered wine pairing.

I'm in love, I thought. I'm a wino for sure, but to have the food complement your palette like that was TRULY out of this world.

My date then topped off the rest of the day with a trip to the spa (I got a head to toe clay/ mud wrap) in addition to a wonderful, wonderful dinner.

All in all though, it's just not going to happen. We're SOOOOOO different. He's the kind of person that asks for permission before doing something (like his mother needing to be the decision maker with placement of furniture and cleaning out clutter), where as I only ask for forgiveness. I genuinely just.don't.care. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. If a guy is cool with it, rad! As an extrovert I actually prefer the man to take the lead, but then to also know what to do with it. For this guy to be so intimidated by men coming up to me versus owning it and being like, yeeeahhhh she's with me - is a total deal breaker. That's genuinely just my constant and a relationship between us would NEVER work (despite our mutual love of The Alchemist and philosophy in general).

Onward and upward I suppose.

Note to nerds though, when doing a wine pairing, eat lots of bread. The California cuisine at some of those super fancy pants places does not absorb the alcohol, and no one appreciates a sloppy Sally.