#RealDeal: We accept the love we think we deserve

"Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"
"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Fact: I have become obsessed with that quote. 

I first heard it in the trailer for Perks of Being a Wallflower, and obviously posted on it ... because that is what I do ... the simplicity of it though is the EPITOME of my current dating situation. 

So, I did the 103 dates in 9 months (accidentally) using the OKC algorithm and an 85% unpublished compatibility prerequisite, and all I discovered was that even using MATH I was attracted to emotionally unavailable guys. (The root of that meaning that they were all either just getting out of a relationship, or not looking to be in one in general.) 

My goal in dating so much was to break my pattern of dating douches and all I discovered was that I was the douche!!! 

I then started seeing a Modern Day Shaman, and he began opening my heart up again. 

Flash forward to April of this year, and who comes back into my life? Romeo, aka my first love.

I've always had feelings for him, but we fight like cats and dogs so we tend to drift in and out of each other's lives until one of us decides enough has been enough. 

Because I had been seeing the Shaman and because he was literally prying my heart open in an attempt to be more warm and loving, I genuinely genuinely thought he was responding to my change in energy. 

We met up, and a few days later I had invited him to our live stage show in Hollywood. 

He knew I was doing things with this site, but it's totally different to get to see how big all of it is in person, and see the audience and reactions - its kinda awesome, and I wanted to show him what I had been doing while we hadn't been talking. 

I remember telling my roomie at the time to look out for him in the audience (I showed her a picture of him) and to have her text me when he arrived letting me know he was here.

Less than a minute before I went on stage to do the opening monologue I text her. 

Is he here??????????????? I asked with 10 or more question marks. 

No, she replied with a frowny face. 

My eyes immediately began to well up with tears. 

I told him how much this meant to me, I told him ... why didn't he show up?? 

I then hear my name being called by the theater director.

I slap my face lightly. 

Snap out of it Friel. Showtime. I say to myself. 

I walked out on stage ... the brisk pace of my walk dried my eyes as I held the microphone. 

The show had been one of our best ones to date. I kept myself composed the entire time. 

<tangent> being an ice queen has its value in times of extreme emotion. i can immediately compartmentalize to make sure everything that i need to do still gets done. </tangent>

At the after party, I sent him a text letting him know where we were. (It was just next door.) 

I was still hopeful at this point that he would still show up, however I was deeply, deeply hurt. 

An hour later he texts me letting me know he had a bad day and was at a bar on Melrose. 

At that point, I had been drinking for a few hours so my response was simple and extremely curt. 
"Be. Here. Now." 
30 minutes later he arrived. 

We then talked, and he even spent the night. Romeo and I had been friends for 8 years at that point, but something in him changed greatly ... or more certainly it was I that changed. 

This person I once respected was so broken and such a DICK!!!! 

I knew based on my work with the shaman that I had to tell him my personal truth about how much I've always loved him despite us never being able to formally "date" - but his response to my letter made it all so much easier. 

THIS GUY IS SUCCHHHHHH ANNNNN ASSSSSSSSSSSHHHOOOOOLLLLLEEEEE!! 

Like, I love him. I'll always always always love him - but it was fucking HILARIOUS how easy he made all of it. 

We then had our "goodbye call" where I vehemently put a line in the sand and said no more. 

What did he do? 

A few weeks later text me testing the boundary. 

I kindly texted him back indicating how much I would always care for him but that we were definitely more than done and I didn't want to hear from him in the near future. 

Clearly the relationship had become parasitic and one of us had to end it. Even as a friendship ... as an anything ... we have chemistry there is obvi no denying it - but you have to learn when in life to walk away and when something GENUINELY isn't working. 

I would DIE before I let a guy treat me the way he was treating me. 

About a month later was Comic Con, and I was absolutely swept off my feet.

It was funny, a few times he kept asking me over and over if I was still involved with someone. I laughed every.single.time. saying genuinely for the first time ever - no. 

Romeo was always my biggest regret. I see now that if we had gotten together I wouldn't be here now with this website, but he meant a lot to me. Now to be faced with who he genuinely was as a person versus the reflection and idea of him ... I couldn't have been more turned off. 

Again, the love is always there. If he's ever stranded in a third world country I'd bail his ass out - but I'd absolutely never date him again. 

Either way, this person and I then got involved and on the emotional detachment level I had DEFINITELY met my match. 

This person was extremely, extremely closed off and pushed me away before we even had our first date. 

He's extremely confident but kept telling me that I was destined for more than he could ever offer and he didn't want to get hurt. 

I of course laughed, thinking this guy is fucking nuts. 

We then had a lovely courtship, but then one very very big rejection. 

He said he couldn't see me anymore, and we decided mutually to end with a lunch. 

That, of course, was just HOURS after the best worst Vegas trip of my life - but shortly after lunch I ALSO had another live show. 

I would like you to be there, I said as he stood by his car. 

No, he replied back. I have seen you enough today, I can't see your show he said. 

(He also refused to read the site instead having an employee or someone read it for him translating back what was being said.) 

I was heartbroken, again, but realized that I didn't want to push my luck, I was happy to have him back in my life in any regard. 

Now it has been over a month since we have seen each other and the conversations are becoming more and more distant and I am starting to feel like I am living in the "possibility" of something versuses being blissfully aware and grounded in the reality of everything. 

Why do I believe I am deserving of this shitty, shitty, love from guys? 

It's MIND BOGGLING how much I am willing to stand from guys out of what I call "loyalty." 

It's not freaking loyalty - it's GLUTTONY!! I'm a glutton for punishment with a penchant for pricks!!

FTR, it's not the dudes, it's MY tolerance of the scenario. 

I've genuinely reached a point in my life where I realize the best thing you can ever do for someone is to give them freedom to just be themselves, but this is bullshit man. Emotions and physical response to a person are so seemingly intangible yet THROUGH AND THROUGH I keep being presented with this pattern. 

Being conscious of it is definitely a sign that I am on a path to moving on, but it's so hard over and over opening yourself up to people only to find out they are just as closed off as you are. 

Albeit the last guy DID open my heart up a lot (the shaman even confirmed) - so I guess it's all still "the journey is the destination." 

Is self work ever done?? I mean really????

Excuse me, but now I just got invited to the Playboy Halloween Party, and I have to go invite a date. (total first, btw!! I've NEVER wanted to bring a date to a playboy party)  

Fall off the horse, get yo' butt right back up!!! 

I might not know where I am on my journey, but THAT I know to be true. 

AND - never invite a guy I'm dating to our live show. Clearly it never ends well. 

#kthxbye

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