They're Talking Nerdy Baby: #NerdsUnite
OOOHHHH how you loverly and nerdy human beings make my life. Check out an email I just got ...
Wow, what would I have done differently if I could have gone back? Very tough question on a couple of levels.
For one, I don't ever believe in going back. Mostly because it is impossible, but also because if I changed one part of the past, I won't be where I am in the present. I like this present ... so yah!
Two, my big "ah-ha" moments only came because of social media. I was documenting SOO much of my life and reading so many updates saying, wait - this is what I meant to say ... but that's not what I MEANT. I was INCREDIBLY passive aggressive, and a terribly negative person without ever being really conscious of it.
Status update after status update, things started to chip away.
Everyone has to hit a rock bottom when it comes to depression and anxiety. I tried killing myself not once, but twice. Second time ending up in a nut house and I sat there and realized, wow, I'm not crazy now what?
Then when the life I thought I was leading came apart with the mentalist, I wanted to die again but realizing that failing twice at something sucks - what if I just REALLY LIVED and sure it was crazy, but if I died, would it really matter?
I say that jokingly now of course - but it was very very real to me at the time. I started living the SHIT out of life like EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. was my last, because if I had actually killed myself on November 3, 2009 it wouldn't have really mattered anyway.
By having the ego removed in that regard and having just ONNNNNEEEEE focus and ONNNNEEEEE passion in my life (this website) to work with - everything fell into place.
I very honestly did not talk to my family for 6 months during that process. My grandmother was dying, and my parents thought I was out of my fucking mind for (as they saw it) turning my back on them and starting a business instead. (Moments before she finally did pass - I made a video. Again, this is weird to most people.)
By having my parents be preoccupied though (albeit under not so great circumstances. Dudes, I'm not heartless!), I was able to strictly focus on me, and only me and not the "me" that I was under the label "daughter," and "sister."
How can I be someone's daughter or sister if I don't know who I am?
I had to solve for that X.
The process wasn't easy - but I'm happy to report that things are moving back up, and my parents have said how proud they are of me and what I was able to build with this community.
What in me though was seeking that validation?
Just let it gooooooooooooo!!!!!
As much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my parents, I am not my parents, and I cannot please them. My parents are MORTIFIED at half of the shit that I post on this site, but they still love me.
Even during the time that we didn't talk - I would say to them over and over, I'm holding you in a place of unconditional love. Anything you say to me, doesn't matter.
That of course will only set people off MORE - so be careful ... but yah! You have to do you in life.
Period end of sentence.
(Think of it like the oxygen mask on a plane. When the SHIIIITTT is hitting the fan, and you're about to die - what do they tell you to do? Put YOUR oxygen mask on before helping others. Live. Your. Life. That. Way.)
I was a people pleaser and caretaker for so long, that all it did was exhaust me. I was running and running trying to put up this front, and trying to make other people happy without feeling satisfied myself - then I just snapped.
Case of snapping 1 - was the first time I tried to kill myself. Case of snapping 2 - was the time I went into the nut house.
You can't live your life that way. You can't please people and be following your passion at the same time. It's just not possible!!!!!!
You HAAAAVVEEEEE to take risks, you HHAAAAVVVEEEE to put yourself out there, but once you hit rock bottom - nothing else really matters because you were going to be dead anyway.
First step to finding what your passion is, is what feels good to you?
Tech ALLWWAYYYSSS felt amazing to me - but I also liked entertaining and telling stories. Surely, there's no way those things could all be one, right?
MWAHAHAAHAHA ohhhhhhh how the brain wants to tell us that we know everything!!
All I did was just follow my heart. It was hilarious, even now, having conversations with TNTML's advisor about 2012 - because we were both kinda like ... we're just going to keep throwing shit against the wall and see what sticks. All I do is follow my passion, and follow my heart. Oddly enough by being that candid and seemingly "selfish" - not only am I the most satisfied professionally that I have ever been ... but I'm finally at a pretty cool peace.
First step: Find what feels good inside of you - and let inspired thought guide you. You already have the answers inside of you - so be still and ask some questions.
(Here's a talk I just gave at Cal State Fullerton, btw talking about this. It's a guest lecture so it's pretty long, but just put it on in the background of whatever you're working on.)
And for SUURRRREEEE I'm always game to have new writers come on board!!! Got an idea or something you want to explore in the nerdy realm - drop me a writing sample! JenFriel at TalkNerdyToMeLover d c.
Peace love and lollipops, nerds!!
Get out of your head, and get into your heart!!!