#YayLife: I'm not pregnant nor do I have HIV

Jan 19

Not that there would be anything wrong if I did have either, but you know what I mean.

SOOOOOOOO ... I have a fairly active sex life. Well, lemme rephrase that - I have a very active sex life. With that activeness comes responsibility. Dudes, I gotta get my shiznat tested!! Yesterday I did just that and had QUITE the little adventure at Planned Parenthood. ::cough cough:: Maestro, please.

I couldn't remember the last time I had been tested - which in the world of anyone who is sexually active is translation for - GET YOUR ASS TESTED.

I went to Planned Parenthood's website, booked an appointment - and BOOM a week later here we be.

I always had insurance, so I've never had to use PP, but heard from friends that it was the way to go, and if you're financially not in the greatest place (like myself) services can be done for free.

For FREE? Whaatt?!?! Are you for reals??

Oh yes! It's on a sliding scale based on your monthly income.

I hopped on the city bus, headed down to Santa Monica - and found the clinic.

I got up to the second floor, rang the buzzer (me thinks because they do abortions that they have to keep that place on lock), and was let in.

It's hilarious, the place looks so ... sterile. There is nothing fun about getting tested for STDs. In fact, they're a FANTASTIC equalizer. An STD doesn't judge by age, race, or religion. If you're not wrapping that shit up - you're fucked. And even if you DO wrap it up for actual penetration, you can still get things through oral or anal.

Bottom line, if you have an orphus you're opening yourself up to something whether you like it or not.

No glove no love - and yes, that goes for oral too. (Which I've personally never used a condom for oral sex, that creeps me out actually - but if you're not in a monogamous relationship you gotta be careful!!)

So, I get there ... fill out the paperwork ... and sat in a room filled with about 30 other people, who all equally looked nervous, and terrified - all while sitting on these HORRIBLY uncomfortable vinyl chairs.

You're here to get your freaked freaked, one would think they'd at least provide a level of comfort while you are waiting, but alas - you're screwed.

I had no symptoms, no nothing - everything is kosher of the land of Jen's punana, but again you never know. The only way to know for sure is to make sure you get tested on a regular basis.

After about a half hour waiting, my name was finally called and I was then asked to pee in a styrofoam cup. Normally not a problem for someone who drinks more coffee and water than should ever be legal, but on Monday night I had a date and two meetings - so I had literally been drinking the entire night and was left a little more dehydrated than usual.

Fail, Jen Friel. FAIL!!! You knew you'd have to pee in a cup!!!!!

Fortunately they had water in the waiting room, and after 20 little cups filled - I was finally full stream ahead.

Thank you god.

I was then instructed to go back to the waiting room and wait for my name to be called, which meant I had to go back to those dreaded uncomfortable vinyl chairs.

YOU WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME CHAIRRRSSS!!! Fuck those things are so uncomfortable. I was wearing shorts so it stuck to the back of my leg and I felt like a fly whose wings were stuck on fly paper.

::smf::

The median age of everyone in the room was somewhere in the middle 20s. Tall, small, skinny, fat, black, white, and everything in between - everyone stared blankly around the room wondering who was here for what. It was HILARIOUS!! You could have heard a pin drop, yet the energy was that of fear and "I hope I don't have what they look like they have."

Then, as if straight from the movie a kid came in and LITERALLY did a Saturday Night Fever strut.

He was about 16 or 17 ... and while the room was still quiet he walked up to reception and said ...

Excuse me, can I have some condoms please?

Do you have an appointment, asked the receptionist.

No. I just need condoms.

The receptionist then handed him a handful of rubbers, and he then strutted out of the room.

The second the door closed the room ERUPTED in laughter.

OMG - that was literally one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. He was SOOOO embarrassed, but hilarious and firm that he didn't want to see anyone in the clinic, just get the goods.

Ah-mazing.

About 20 more minutes passed before I was called into the room.

Jennifer?? The nurse called in a singy song voice.

I walked up - yes, that's me!

Great! Last name she asked as we walked down the hall.

Friel.

Great!

Date of birth?

12/8/84.

Good! This is you!

.... who else would it be, I wondered.

I was then weighed on a massive scale and taken back into a little room.

Hello! said the nurse. How are you today, Jennifer?

Her voice btw was HILARIOUSSSS!! She was SO singy songy - no other word for it. It was like she said the same thing over and over 100 times every day and got so sick of hearing her own voice she decided to just sing it all out instead.

I felt like I was in a naughty sexual musical as she proceeded to then ask me questions.

How many sexual partners in the last year?

Let's see, 103 dates in 9 months. Slept with 6 of those guys - plus, that one time at the bar ... and oh, that dude ... and the one that rocked my world, and oh god - I dont' want to remember that one ...

Ummmm ... I gave a rough estimate, but as you all know - I don't count. Ever.

Then she asked me what I was there for.

I want to be tested for STDs, AIDS, and might as well throw in a pregnancy test while I'm there (for shits and giggles).

The works? she asked

The works, I confirmed.

With a quick prick of my finger, and a draw of blood from my arm ... I was violated.

She tapped my veins - did you drink enough water today, Jennifer?

Damn you alcohol! I thought. I'm never ever going to schedule a test like this for after a night of drinking.

Yes ma'am I said not wanting to disappoint.

A few moments later she came back into the room telling me I wasn't pregnant (WHEW), and told me to go back into the waiting room for about 15 minutes and I would have the results of the HIV test.

Fifteen minutes?!?!?! I thought.

Longest. fifteen. minutes. ever.

Again, I had no symptoms, nothing - you just never know ... I'm a nerd and FEROCIOUSLY neurotic. ::deep breath::

I was then reminded of the scene from Sex and the City where Samantha gets an AIDs test.

Please for the love of all things holy don't take me back into the little room.

I proceeded to then calm my nerves in the waiting room by watching this little girl play with her shoes - having them act as puppets.

Ah yes, I thought. Those were the days when your feet actually talked back to you and you could have full conversations with yourself and no one thought you were crazy.

But you're talking to yourself now, I thought -

Yes, but you're not actually replying back to yourself.

Oh wait, you just did. Yep, now you're fucked.

The fifteen minutes go by and my name is called yet again.

Breathe Friel, breathe. Everyone gets nervous with this type of thing.

I was then taken into the dreaded little back room where I sat and got the results of my test.

You're all cleared and good to go. No HIV, and the rest of your tests will take about a week, but no news is good news and since you don't have any symptoms you should be fine.

A HUGGEEE wave of relief then fell over me.

She handed me a brown bag - and here are some condoms for you, and some emergency contraception. You really should consider getting on birth control since you are sexually active.

Naw, no thank you - I replied. I'm completely medication free, and kinda wanna stay that way.

Your choice, said the nurse as she handed me the bag and I left the room.

Just like that - I got tested, and didn't have to pay anything ... sure it took some time out of my day (approximately two hours when everything was said and done) but it was totally worth it now being confident in my sexual cleanliness.

As I walked out the door and waited for the bus I finally opened the bag to see just how many condoms they had given me.

This feels so heavy, I thought.

To my surprise this is how many they gave me ...

I hope this wasn't based on my sexual partner estimate - but oh well.

Own it Friel .... OWN IT!!!

Lessons learned:

1) Don't drink before having to take a pee test. There is nothing fun about sqeezing out a stream.

2) You don't need money to make sure you're STD free. Just make an appointment on planned parenthood's website, and you're good to go!

3) Sex is a responsibility. If you're sexually active, and not in a monogamous relationship get yo' shit tested!! It's free, you have no excuse so get off your ass and do it!

Now excuse please, but my vagina and I have some celebrating to do.