#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride
<editorsnote> Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson
Get Me Outta Here!
I think I’ll always love my ex but I’m finally at the point of frustration with the whole situation. It’s not that I can’t handle seeing him once a week and then function fine the rest of the week, it’s that I feel as though I am stuck in limbo. My friend just got out of a 6 year relationship and is going out on a date tonight. Theirs was a bit more on again off again whereas ours wasn’t, but still. Already going on a date!! I think the issue for me might lie in the fact that I don’t have any experience going out with someone just once or twice and that’s it. Or with having a fuck buddy that wasn’t previously a boyfriend. I just have so little dating experience.
My feelings of frustration were brought on because of my trip to New Jersey. First off, I had the best time! It was so great to see my family! AAAnd we had an amazing seafood fest! So yummy. I’m born and raised in Florida but NJ feels more like home then Florida does. My brother and I stayed up for two hours talking about how our parents ripped us off by moving the family to Florida and away from everyone.
When it comes to living in Los Angeles, it can be kinda tough. I often feel that I’m near the bottom of the food chain out here, career wise. Just something that tends to be in the back of my mind, on the flip it’s also very inspiring to be around so many ambitious people. Well, out there, they treated me as though I was a fucking rock star. It was pretty great. So, the seafood fest was also my cousin’s birthday and he invited at least 10 dudes over. They were all so un-LA. Like, I’m pretty sure not a one of them would have known the term “start-up”. Pretty refreshing. I gave a big friendly hello to this one guy but soon I felt myself immediately revert and put up a wall. Plus, I was honestly more interested in seeing my family and spending time with them. My brother noticed that I wasn’t hanging out with any of my cousin’s friends and asked, “Why aren’t they talking to you?”. I explained that my energy wasn’t open and he nodded in understanding, “That’s what I thought”, he replied. Well, at one point the guy that I had said hi to sat down next to my 80+ year old Nana and starting talking to her (so effing adorable!) and then roped me into the conversation. I was attracted to him but I think it was more about how he’s NOT like the people I interact with on a daily basis. Such a Jersey boy!! He has a large Phillies tattoo on his leg and told me he didn’t think he could ever leave the state. It just made me think about family and how I’m so far away from mine and now so far away from starting my own. So, as my usual, I did nothing to actually show him that I thought it would be fun to hang out. He asked me what I was doing for the rest of the night and I gave him an answer I don’t regret, “Hanging out here!”. He and his friend left shortly after. I don’t think no matter what I would have left the party. But I do wish that had I talked to him more and acted more interested. Someone across the country to hang out with, which duh Julie, means no commitment. The Universe gave me what I was looking for and I shot it down.
I guess L.A. really makes me miss nature. I stood outside before a storm reveling in feeling the pressure drop and the wind pick up while watching the dark clouds roll in. I was in love with all of the trees everywhere and made sure to hang out with the trees for a bit. Since sexual frustration starting setting in at this time, I also spent some time thinking about the logistics of trying to have sex in a wooded area (I’m thinking that a blanket is required, but then it’s planned and that’s boring). Oh, and then, in my head, while having sex, it starts raining (something that also sounds better than it actually is in reality).
My ex texted me a few days ago asking for the url to "Jen's website". I asked him why and he told me that he wanted to turn his book into a blog and he wanted to see it as a reference. EEK! I’d like for him to get to a better place before reading all of my writings. I just told him to check out wordpress and tumblr. He said he hoped that him starting a blog didn’t upset me. Quite the opposite!!! It makes me feel so much better about putting our life out there for the public to read. I stress out about how everything I say about him would make him feel and how people that I know IRL that read my writings will look at me (obviously the cathartic process of writing and positive validation far outweigh these worries).
Last weekend I was hanging out with some coworkers and for about 5 minutes of conversation my situation was discussed (any longer and I would have been annoyed, I love writing about all of this, hate talking about it). One of my friends starting talking about when she almost got back together with an ex. He was making her breakfast or dinner and she was sitting there and got this overwhelming feeling of “Get Me Outta Here!” and then preceded to come up with a bullshit excuse to leave. He started crying and got very upset but she had to go. I hung out with my ex on Sunday and while I always have a nice time, I started to experience the “Get Me Outta Here!” feeling. I seriously could hear her voice in my head. Over the month of August he’s started to realize that I’m pulling away. I’ve been avoiding a straight to the punch conversation with him because I didn’t want to have to be the bad guy. I know I’m not but I didn’t want to have to see him cry. Wednesday night he texted me to ask if I had weekend plans. I replied, “workin on some stuff”. I guess he figured I was being elusive and replied, “I feel like this is all kinda one sided. So I’ll back off…”.
Thank you, thank you for doing that for me so I didn’t have to be the one to say it!
It’s now Thursday and Labor Day weekend is looming. I’m feeling really stressed out and levels of depression are creeping up that I’ve been able to hold at bay for some time. I hate holiday weekends. Haven’t enjoyed one since 2010. They just represent this gaping amount of time that I need to fill. It takes an extreme amount of energy for this loner to reach out to people and make plans. It is draining. Yet, I’m still currently unable to just chill by myself and be cool with it. It’s like I’m constantly trying to prove to myself that I can do this, I can make friends and be a social being. That being said, it took a lot to stop seeing my ex right before the holiday weekend.
Aaaaand I cried at my desk for the first time in months.
I love you, but I’m sorry, I’m too tired to keep this going.
#brokenheart
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