#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick

Aug 7

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Sophie B. Hawkins - As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

UGHHHH!!! What an uncomfortable evening. First off, I just sent a Dear John Facebook email to Coldplay Cutie. That was super hard, I actually really liked the dude - I'm going to finish writing the post out tomorrow. It breaks my heart, man because he's such a great guy. He just violated a couple of rules that I have from a personal boundaries perspective, and it was totally a deal breaker. Sad, but true. Still a great guy, but just gonna keep on truckin doin my own thing. Sucks major ball sack.

I've been thinking about Romeo all week. Seeing him again was totally one of the most overwhelming things I've experienced in recent memory. It made me sad ... so fucking sad. He's great, and amazing - very literally has never looked better ... but just makes me sad because he's not even the one that got away, he's the one that never even got a chance. I loved Romeo on and off for 2 years (he was my first love), then when he moved away, I moved on ... we circled back together about a year later, then when I fell out of love with him, he finally fell in love with me. Then I moved to Florida for a few months, and RIIIGGHHHTTT when I met the mentalist and fell head over heels, Romeo was fishing to see if I would move in with him when I came back to LA. We were always super fucking close, and he was just "that guy" to me. He was my dude, the one that I could always call no matter what crazy neurotic thing I was experiencing. He would tell me I was crazy and neurotic and somehow I would feel better and just move on.

I've spent the last 4 days crying. Had I not started talking to the mentalist, I KNOW I would have moved in with him and who knows where we would be over 2 years later.

It's the single biggest regret of my life. Hands down.

I've never been so aware of one person having such an impact on a series of recent decisions. I get SO ANGRY at the mentalist still to this day. Albeit, who knows if I would have this site (because it was the energy from us being together that brought all this about) - I know you never know, but it makes me sad to think I lost out on someone so amazing to fall for someone so fucking douchey.

::slaps forehead:: How could I be so smart intellectually speaking and so fucking dumb when it comes to some of the most important decisions of my life.

I am proud to say that I have cried a little less each day. Wednesday night I cried myself uncontrollably to sleep, followed by only a couple hours of tears on Friday, to now for just a few minutes on Sunday.

We haven't talked since Wednesday and I doubt that we ever will again. He's in a serious relationship, I get it - and again, he looks so fucking amazing ... he needs to keep it up! But it's still hard for me. It feels like this loss and void.

OMMMMMMGGGGGGGGG I am crying again.

Such a fucking chick, man.

The hurt will go away soon, time heals everything. At least I hope so.

Savor every moment nerderinos, and shower the people you love with love, hold 'em tight - and never let 'em go.