#Fact: I'm only happy when it rains

Aug 27

OOHHHH goodness, I am so effin' emo right now - it's totes not even funny. Wait, first though, look at how BEAUUUTTIIFFULLLL it is outside ...

Breathtaking.

I love love love the rain. I view it as a cleansing and a rebirth.

Here's what I'm listening to btw ...

This song always reminds me of my dad.

AHHHHHH life - I have spent all day thinking about you. I am enjoying Boston, I really am- the TV show is going great, and I love love LOVE getting to meet more of you. You all make. My. Life.

I can go to my grave completely content that if nothing else in life, I created a really rad site and community that I'm SUPER proud of - but some days, I have to be honest, it's just not enough.

The site appeases me on a professional level. I am INCREDIBLY satisfied running a business in that regard - but personally, my life is just ... blah.

I get really fucking lonely, man.

I live in my own little space, in my own little world - and document the thoughts in my head. It's very self centered (haha obviously), so I stay pretty grounded by volunteering and performing random acts of awesomeness that are just for me and not for documentation (feels Ah-MAZING) ... but even that's not enough.

I got to hang out last night with this duderino that I grew up with on the lake in New Hampshire during the summer. (Super sweet guy - he found me on Facebook earlier this year, and totally admitted to having a crush on me growing up. Is there anything cuter than puppy love? I mean REALLY???) Really really really rad dude, and I genuinely had an amazing night - but hanging out with him just made me really sad. He has a girlfriend, and they're quasi-serious - but we totally had this epic heart to heart last night at like 3 am, and he called me out on not being satisfied on a personal level. I just don't have a next do-able action in that regard though!!! For reals!!! I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship - but I am making a conscious effort to have more intimate relationships with people in general - it's just sooooo hard though because so many people suck!!!!!!!

I watched this couple for literally 15 minutes on the T today. They had no idea I was watching, or taking a picture - but their love was so true, and so pure. So inspiring!!! Wait, I take that back, they don't suck - they are just terribly uninspiring. I'm allergic to mediocrity and I accept nothing less from friends and lovers. Seriously!! Be happy, do cool shit, and go play!

I know where things are going with the site in general, but for me on a personal level I don't think I've ever felt so empty and vacant. I just don't have that "spark" from a single person, or even a best friend to gush to over things - I instead have a website. I'm not mad at it obviously, starting this site was VERY LITERALLY the smartest thing I have ever done, but it doesn't tuck you in at night.

There has to be a balance. I know it. I might not have the answer on what that is yet, (as again this is all done in real time), but I am aware enough that I have to change something. I am in a funk, and in a gnarly pattern right now with guys - I'm becoming a hit it and quit it-er. Totally not my style.

I'm also too just absurdly horny. I really don't know what is wrong with me - I could very literally have sex every day and totes be kosher with it. Seriously, my sexual appetite is absurd. Side effect from really loving life I guess. Holy fuckerdy!

It just sucks, man. I finally found something that makes me deliriously happy, and through the execution of it, it causes duderinos to not want to talk to me out of fear of being written about. Seriously! Guys tell me ALL the time that they enjoy reading about what I do but would never actually interact with me out of fear of it being published. I have to have to have to have to believe there is a guy out there that wouldn't be intimidated by what I do. Life is just a numbers game - I just wish I wasn't so shitty at math.