#NerdsUnite: Ask That Nerdy Chick ...
I get asked a lot of absurdly random things by you wunnerful wunnerful people everyday - so I wanted to just start posting some of them to see if anyone else can relate, or help out with info if I can't answer ... etc.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I have a feeling you guys will throw some cool shit my way. HAHA!!! Here's one I just got on Facebook ...
Hi
I hope this finds you well. Although I did not meet you at the Neil Strauss event I have heard many good things about you. Perhaps that you're a perfect stranger in my world is why I feel brave enough to write this to you tonight in one of my raw, philosophical moments of life.
I found Neil's work by accident during one of the valleys in the roller coaster of my life. A friend invited my to Vegas to take "some class" with him on how to improve his dating life and he knew I was down after a recent break up and wanted me to come along for the ride. The weekend changed the compass heading I had originally planned for my future and as I do each year I vowed to add one new skill set to my tool bag, and that year my primary focus was to improve my social life. Fast forward several years later and I still hadn't seen much improvement to getting the quality of women that I wanted in my life and started to give up on it until recently.
After the LA event I've been going over my notes a lot and have been doing much needed soul searching. One of my biggest challenges I'm facing is something unexpected I uncovered. The tape playing in my thoughts related to my approach anxiety was not if I failed but just what if I was actually successful in approaching a wonderful new lady? How would that change my life? How would being successful change the course of both of our lives, hopefully for the better? I think Marni calls this the "big picture" thinker and I guess to a point I have that.
So you're probably asking yourself by now why is he sharing all this with me? The question arose organically this evening and is simple to state but the answer is not. It is the paradox of choice.
What happens if I take the time to get my social skills to an expert level? Getting good means I'd have my choice of both people and especially women that I want to have in my life. This by itself is an admirable quality but is there a way to sample the variety of life without being the emotional black rose of death?
From your writings you've had an emotional connection with someone that caused you to love someone so deeply and touched you in so many ways that it changed your life forever even if it was not reciprocated. I, have never had that… The closest I got was probably my first love when I was 19. I can remember what it felt like to have my heart broken and I think subconsciously I never wanted to feel like that again. I wish her well and she has since moved on and married her best friend from childhood but going through that sucked. Since then I have had many wonderful ladies in my life that have each brought something special to my life and I very much thank them for that. They have helped me become a better man today. 
Looking back, I probably could have been married five or six times by now but something always felt missing since I didn't seem to have that connection. When choosing someone to be with is it worth the risk of potentially waiting your whole life for the one person that puts you in that state of bliss that may not come? Or do you just enjoy what you can and make the best of the people who intersect your life at various moments? I have somewhat reconciled this dilemma I'm having to focus on drinking each day in fully and appreciate everyone in your life while you can.
Have you experienced the paradox of choice? If so, what are your observations about it? Or is this just a hallucination from a big picture thinker?
Thanks for listening, even if you don't have time to reply just the act of writing to you has helped me get it out in in the open which is the first step in falling forward. Perhaps this is something similar to what you felt during your time of crisis.
Wishing you the best for the future.
****************************
Wow - intense. First off, thank you so so so much for being so brave and reaching out. Greatly appreciate it, and kudos to you.
I do think there is a way to not be an emotional black rose of death as you put it - but it starts with some soul searching. I've spent my life looking for guys to validate me, and offer me something that wasn't in myself - hence why I ended up in so many whackadoodle noodle situations. I created that because I wasn't centered and I wasn't grounded and confident in what I had to offer the world; I let others place my value. That is a big big big no no. That is what makes you an "emotional black rose of death" because you aren't in control of your feelings or emotions, you've placed that in someone else's hands. Life is reflective and everything starts with you. I've spent my entire life being a loaner, then I went on a journey to discover my organic awesomeness, and now I can't even keep up with my social schedule. I don't believe anyone can ever reach that point of "social greatness" without tapping into their own awesome. It's a light in the dark - I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how many people are attracted to it. Trips me out!
You could have been married 5 or 6 times now - but what would that have really done? I know for me, I wanted to get to that point just to cross it off a list. I came from parentals that got married super young, and I thought that was where my life was supposed to go. I wasn't waiting for a ring, I was waiting for them to offer me a life - that is UNBELIEVABLY dangerous. If someone does give you that state of bliss without you doing your own work in discovering your awesome - it will be fleeting. NOOOOOO doubt about it. You have to figure out what you bring to the table first, and what value you have before you can EVER sell it to someone else.
I have also discovered that after 103 dates in 9 months - the only 4 that I felt that "butterfly feeling" with were also emotionally unavailable. So what does that say about that "butterfly feeling" in general? I don't have all the answers, because I'm still asking questions - but I'd stop looking outwardly and turn internally and start asking yourself what you like ... what feels good ... and start there. Uncover your own bliss before you allow yourself to be intoxicated by someone else's.
Hope this helps!!! If anyone else has any comments feel free to respond below, or tweet 'em to me and I'll post!! Thanks guys!!!
#nerdsunite
If you guys ever ... ever ... ever ... have questions, comments, whatevs - totally reach out! I'd love to hear from you!!! You make my life - it never bothers me.
JenFriel at TalkNerdyToMeLover dot com