Time to Effing #GetItOn: 1 story told 3 ways ... his side/ her side/ the truth

On Saturday June 18th I set up two willing participants on a blind date in Hollywood to test out the theory that no matter what, there is and will always be three sides to every story.

Here's what I did ... and here's the song that goes with the post ...HIT IT KC!!!

I put out a casting call to my social networks asking for a guy and a girl who were willing to be set up on a date. One of the first replies I received was from a recently divorced actress. This is PERFFEECCTTT I thought!!! She is a very emotional person, as dictated by her profession, and compound that with a relatively recent divorce, and no matter what this chickie was going to give me a story.

Now, onto the guy ... I was less interested in setting people up based on compatibility, I wanted to stimulate some sort of reaction from both parties and then have the story be told from two different states of consciousness; I reached out to a friend of mine who is a bio-engineer, and was also 99 on my OKC experiment. As it turns out he is in a new relationship, so was unable to assist, however he knew of someone I could talk to who was literally a rocket scientist. (PERFECT!)

I reached out to him on Facebook.

I then reached out to the actress ...

Note: This had to be edited to a single camera phone shot to prove that there was in fact a third party. So yes, there was 1 camera from a smartphone.

I then took out all of the he's and put in she's for his version of the exact same email.

They were both on like Donkey Kong, and for the next few days I had exchanged emails both in confirmation, and out of general comfort as the actress was very nervous.

Now, this sounds fun right? Set two people up on a COMPLETELY blind date with two different frames of consciousness, and you tell each one to write about their experience without telling the other to see what happens? Sounds FANTASTIC ... but ... it wasn't enough.

I wanted a third person there to spy on the daters and write the actual truth of what happened. Well, spy sounds like a harsh word - how about sitting in very close proximity with a pair of headphones in their ears to signify to the daters that they were in their own little world, while in reality they were closely examining everything that was happening.

I reached out to a writer friend ... and asked the daters to sit at the bar tables up front (since that is also genuinely where I sit), but also so the writer friend could have access to them.

The way the tables are set up at Barneys, the booths are yes, close, but not close enough. At the bar tables you're basically sitting shoulder to shoulder.

The daters agreed to sit at the bar tables ... and Saturday came around in no time.

Actual picture of our daters taken by the third party.

Ladies and germie men ... I present you with 3 sides of the same story. Please note, these are their EXACT words - nothing has been edited ... like at all.

The Actress:

Ok…where do I begin?

How about we start with the fact that I have never in my life been on a blind date until now.  Coming off a divorce and being with only one man for 11 years is a much different lifestyle than dating in general, and especially in Los Angeles. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a born again virgin or anything. I have had my fair share of losers and douchebags, which appears to be a pre-requisite when living in Hollywood.  I spent a year healing from the loss of my marriage before I got “out there” and started dating.  But none were actual “Blind dates”…well, one guy had very poor night vision, but that’s a whole other story.  I always met someone through a friend, working on set or on the infamous dating website where apparently 1 in 5 marriages begin. Yeah. Notice how they don’t tell you when the 1 in 5 marriages end? For all we know, they could be based in Vegas and have to get legal annulments within 24 hours. As you can tell, I have had a less than stellar experience with said dot com.  Maybe a couple had to be blocked and deleted for obsessive behavior and stalking, maybe there was a restraining order, but I digress.

So my friend asks me if I would consider being set up on a blind date to help her research for her social experiment.  I said what the hell, who doesn’t love algorithms?  She tells me nothing until the night of the date. I am to meet him at the Barney’s Beanery on Santa Monica Blvd and specifically at the bar tables.  She makes me promise not to tell him I am writing a summary and to be brutally honest in my feedback.  I need to look for a man named XXX with dark hair who may be wearing glasses. OK. Well…I sit there for 10 minutes and I see no one that fits that description. 

The Rocket Scientist:

It's Saturday, 6:20pm, rock climbing/canyoneering in Malibu Canyon Park.  Tina has held up admirably during the day, but now we're both tired as hell and traversing the final shear rock face of the canyon.  Tina is about to fall; her eyes are wide and her voice is husky with panic. "I'm slipping."  I climb back to her position, lock on to her forearm, and inchingly haul her up.  The last thing on my mind is the blind date I'm supposed to be at in 100 minutes.

 

Rewind.

 

It's Tuesday and both my R+D engineers are on holiday and I'm hustling.  Not sure how to describe my workflow except as "full immersion".  At noon, I'm starving and take a quick lunch with Henry the marketing guy.  My blackberry doesn't offer as much control as i'd like, so my phone vibrates both for work related emails as well as facebook postings.  It can be surreal when I'm in a meeting discussing aneurysms and I'm distracted by my phone because the twins have a MEGA-URGENT FB invite to PARTY MY ASS OFF.  As I'm eating with Henry, I've got a new FB message.  A woman I've never heard of is offering to set me up on a blind date Saturday because I've been recommended to her by two of my friends.  Interesting, but a little weird.  I call Ryan and ask what's going on; the matchmaker is a woman he dated previously and Ryan is guns a-blazin' in support of this blind date.  Let's give it a whirl; I'm in.

 

Saturday.  Here's the premise: meet a woman named XXX that I've never seen or spoken to before at a bar in Hollywood at 8:00 and take it from there.  The date is set between the rock climbing junta and a friend's birthday party in the Hills.  After I haul Tina up and away from the rock face, we haul out of the canyon.  It's a great day, the sun is beaming and it's all kinds of glorious as we drive back to LA, covered in mud.  I misunderstand a message from Jen and leave her a reply message saying that there's no way I can make it by 8:00.  I pull into my place at 7:45 and take the fastest de-mudding shower I've taken all year and I'm out the door at 8:00.  Fortune shines down; XXX is running late from work so we can meet at 9:00.  We arrive within minutes of each other.

And now, the perspective of the Salt and Pepper shaker:

A friendly message about blind dating from your local Salt and Pepper shaker.

You can typically find Salt or Pepper at any restaurant table around the United States and upwards into some parts of Canada. For years these unofficial omniscient characters in the dating world have witnessed proposals, breakups, reconciliations, and one-night stands, but none of these situations come close to the awkwardness, excitement or bore that blind dates generate.

While Salt tells us how it is, exposing the daters and their actions, Pepper compliments Salt’s efforts by giving these poor unfortunate daters the benefit of the doubt by reminding us of our natural human tendencies as well as our abilities.

A conversation between Salt and Pepper was transcribed during one particular blind date at Barney’s Beanery in West Hollywood:

Saturday. June 18, 2011. 9 P.M.

Salt: Can you believe this? Another loss for these damn Dodgers. That’s five in a row! They’re lucky I don’t have arms or I’d really show them how I feel.

Pepper: I can’t say I take much stock in baseball, but I can comment on the immense pressure and responsibility that each player must feel as they step on to the field.

Salt: Screw that, these guys are getting paid to catch and hit a ball. Do I get refilled every night when sodium crazed assholes take advantage of my salty goodness? Hell no I don’t, but I still give all I can

Pepper: I don’t think you can equate baseball with refilling condiments.

Salt: Well, that’s just because you never get used, Pepper. You don’t know what it takes. And let me tell you another thing…

Pepper: Hey, hold up. Man and Woman at twelve o’clock. I don’t know if they know where to sit. Maybe we should help them out.

Salt: I’m sure they can manage. They already have drinks in hand so they can’t be that lost, unless they’ve been drinking before to take the edge off, then they might not even remember their date’s name.

Pepper: Ah, the wonders of alcohol. It definitely can help any social occasion such as this, but drink too much and you could do something you regret… or worse.

Salt: You stole that from David Cross, didn’t you?

Pepper: No comment. Oh, they’re sitting down. Brace yourself.

The Actress:

Finally a guy comes up to me and asks if I am XXX. Yes. I am. But he is blonde with blue eyes and not wearing glasses. Hmm…well, whatever, we are here now. So I try to sit at the bar tables but he suggests we go to a quieter place that is “reasonable” to hear each other. After slight hesitation, I agree. I mean, it is RIDICULOUSLY noisy in the bar area AND I noticed that everyone was staring. EVERYONE. I am not kidding…people turned around in their bar stools to stare. It was quite annoying.  So we found a booth and sat down. There was ZERO room…I think these booths are designed for people without legs.  Wicked uncomfortable. But let me be polite and just get through the date so I can fulfill my promise to my dear friend. 

The Rocket Scientist:

Arrive at the bar and glance around.  The solo brunette texting away is the most viable candidate.  I walk up and say hello-she seems a bit taken off gaurd.  XXX is on the medium-tall side, with long chestnut hair and a ready smile.  She's wearing a purple summer dress with a white jacket and some sort of white necklace I can't readily make out.  Order her a cocktail and inquire about her day.  She works 7 days a week and doesn't everybody?  She seems genuinely perplexed that other people don't.  When I ask about her line of work, she offers that she's an actress/producer/waitress/nanny.  By that I mean she has all four occupations, not that she nannies the first 3 occupations.  That would be a really cool job.  Where were we?  She's polite and asks a few questions about me and my line of work-not as self absorbed as many in the entertainment field.  I think I'm talking too much; I'm still running high from the canyon.  I ask her about her multifaceted existence, and does she ever make a tragic mistake of mixing up one job when she's at another?  Has she ever wiped the butt of a gaffer?

Like many in the entertainment field, XXX seems incapable of discussing the field without using insider terms and acronyms, and is a bit startled when I ask her.  It's odd that a field that is tasked (along with religion, psychology, and writing) with understanding the full gamut of human experience can be so insular.  Thousands of years from now, will actors and actresses evolve into their own willowy race, speaking lines in euphonic tones that no one understands?  I digress.  Again.  But such was the ebb and flow of our conversation.  It's quite easy to speak with XXX, and I compliment her on energy.  If you're ever not sure how to compliment somebody, and you're in California, tell them they have great energy.  It's pleasant but vague, and who doesn't like that?

The Salt and Pepper Shaker:

Salt: Well at least they look like nice enough people. Dressed appropriately, pleasant smiles, good drink choices. But they don’t look like a couple though. There is somewhat of an awkward air between them. You know, Pepper, it might just be a…

Salt & Pepper: Blind date.

Salt: Yup, it definitely is.

Pepper: This should be interesting.

Salt: Ten to one that they either end up tossed and getting lucky, or regretting ever going on another blind date.

Pepper: I’ll take that bet. But I’m rooting for finding love.

Salt: In L.A? Fat chance. Let’s listen in.

Pepper: He’s certainly taking control of the situation. It sounds like he’s telling her a story about something that happened in his life. I think he’s either nervous or searching for some conversation topics.

Salt: Well, he’s certainly dominating the conversation, that’s for sure.  It sounds like he’s telling stories within the story. I’m completely disinterested. He needs to shorten it by at least 300 words or I’m going to kill myself. Did he just mention Facebook?

Pepper: Get with the times, Salt. Facebook is just as common in intellectual conversations as lets say knowing Sarah Palin’s policy on “winning”. Although, I do have to admit, he is talking rather much and she can’t seem to get a word in. It’s especially difficult when you don’t know any of her interests.

Salt: At least she’s entertaining his speech with fake laughter.

Pepper: Yeah, I heard that too. It’s hard to stop someone you don’t really know on his or her rambling roll and fake laughter seems like the best route. I think they’re just being too nice.

Salt: Or she could really think he’s funny. I don’t buy it though. The gay couple across from them is having a laugh riot. Now that’s genuine laughter.

Pepper: I see him reaching for the menu. Maybe food will calm the nerves.

Salt: At least it will shut him up.

The Actress:

Anyway, so I learned a lot about him. First of all, he is aerospace engineer slash neurovascular inventor. AND he started a non profit for education in Zimbabwe. But he is not nerdy like you would think, he was witty and charming and just got back from a long day “canyoneering” which is apparently like rock climbing and hiking put together. So let’s recap…he is attractive, athletic, intelligent, witty, successful, altruistic and available. Hmm…something tells me I am NOT going to be interested! I mean, if my 12 month track record is any indication, this guy isn’t flawed enough for me.  But let’s give it a shot. So I stay and he orders food and tells me all about his day, his work, his inventions, the world’s smallest chain…no seriously, the world’s smallest chain can fit around an ant leg… pretty dope. I find the conversation interesting, but I can’t get out of my head that I have to blog about it later so it doesn’t feel too “real” to me. I don’t even finish my drink, he pays the bill and we leave. He asks to walk me to my car and I say no.  Why? I have no idea. Is that bad? Am I supposed to let him walk me to my car? What are the rules?? Was I being rude? Ugh…I have no clue about these things. 

The Rocket Scientist:

After the initial banter we move into more emotional waters.  Gurgle.  I have to applaud XXX's forthrightness, although it doesn't appear to be a conscious choice-stuff just comes out.  She's "going through a lot" and is "processing" a lot.  There's a synchronicity between the rhythm and chaos of our professional lives and personal lives.  She's divorced.  No, that's not right.  She's getting divorced.  She was with the guy for ...ten...twelve...years and it didn't work out and now she's building a new life here.  I'm not sure what to share since I won't compromise her privacy, but to say that I felt genuine compassion for her. 

 

We ate a meal.  We knocked back a couple of drinks.  We chatted and laughed and shared and didn't figure anything out.  It was a first date.

The Salt and Pepper Shaker:

Pepper: Ordering food to shut himself up? Maybe. But then again, some people tend to get self-conscious when they eat. For some they always seem to talk while they eat, or take little baby bites because they don’t want to reveal how truly hungry they are. I would love two new daters just to chow down and silence the vocal box.

Salt: Sadly, I really can’t say that’s going to happen here, Pepper. I can’t be sure, but I think he’s flipped through the entire menu twice without even actually looking at the items.

Pepper: Idle hands, Salt. It’s typical in this kind of blind date setting. You don’t know what to do with your hands so you start fidgeting and playing with things.

The Actress:

Anyway, we exchange information and we do an awkward hug. My friends asked if I will see him again and I said I don’t know. Because I don’t know. I mean, he comes from the patented world of high pressure jet engine turbine rotors and biopsy forceps and I come from the hectic roller coaster life alternating between 16 hour shooting days and unemployment and red carpet premieres and waiting tables. I am not saying it COULDN’T work, but maybe I am saying there would have to be a sickening amount of chemistry to try.

ANNNNNDDD scene!

Only that can't really be it ... right? I'd also like to offer my two cents as someone who was not physically there, but received messages from all three parties both in real time and immediately after the date.

1. I have to note how phenomenally kind my friends are. Seriously. Both the actress, and the rocket scientist were INCREDIBLY respectful for one another and applauded each other for being so brave and even going out on a date like this in general. Major major major brownie points for those two - and they're right, they should be very proud of each other. They had very little direction, and very little clue as to what was going to happen. Yay you for just going with the flow!!! =) =) =)

2. Men, watch how much you talk on a date. This isn't at all a stab at the rocket scientist, he surely does have a lot to talk about - and I can personally relate to having massive physical adventures and having that kinda blood pumping through you; you can't not be THAT excited. But seriously ... all three commented about how much the rocket scientist talked. Ask your date open ended questions, get her involved as much as possible - offer her affirming structured sentences like, so what you're saying is you like to do this! That's great, because I like this ... have you ever tried this?

Men have to be very. very. very. aware of this. I honestly noticed it too on my 103 OKC dates. Don't get me talking for too long, because frankly, I even get bored of that shit myself, but for real - we're the ADD generation. I may look like I am there smiling and nodding, but secretly I'm watching your mouth move up and down, and thinking to myself, omg do I look as bored as I am.

A first date is always about vibing things out ... so let it happen, and remember to come up for air!

3. Both parties were incredibly self conscious of how they would appear on this site. The actress wanted to approve the writings before it was posted, and the rocket scientist called the actress before he submitted his post to me. Again, amazing human beings - they wanted to make sure they weren't too hard or too soft. Can't be mad at them for that, but FTR, I didn't allow anyone to see what the other one was writing, and even instructed the actress not to call the rocket scientist back.

So what is my conclusion from all of this? No matter what, the second people become aware of their thoughts being published in any capacity, it dilutes the honesty. These two daters weren't meant to "hit it off," but I felt both were so nervous to say so out of not wanting to come across in a negative manner, or not wanting to put the other person down. Again, AMAZING people, hahaha maybe next time I should go outside my social network to find some randoms who really don't give a horse's titty ... something to consider.

The rocket scientist was right though, we do all live such insular lives, and that is what this experiment was trying to address. We tell ourselves all of these stories about things that happened, and the way someone perceived us - when it's all a crap shoot. We're all in our own little world. The rocket scientist had just saved some woman from a cliff earlier in the day and was pumped ... the actress had just busted her butt working all day, was exhausted, and had no idea if it was going to send a wrong signal if the rocket scientist walked her to her car. The rocket scientist didn't even mention that detail in his post ... amazing. amazing. amazing.

Thank you to all three parties, you know who you are, and keep on keepin on! No matter what we'll never know the full truth to any given situation - there are WAY too many outside influences. Life really is a crap shoot, you just have to ask yourself, are you ready to roll?

#nerdsunite

Special thanks to Effing Gear for sponsoring this social experiment. DUDDESS!! Their location based tees are like ah-mazing ice breakers at bars. For reals ... like for really reals. Check 'em out over yonder!