#Argh: The Anatomy of Expectations
The following is a nerdy rant on expectations and their poopy poopy nature ...
<rant> AHHHHHH!!! T minus 24 hours until the International Badass arrives in good ol' Los Angeles.
Seriously ... in 24 hours, a guy is flying down from Canada to kick it with me for the weekend. Like seriously?! SERIOUSLY?!?! Border crossing?!?! AH-MAZING!
Our sexual chemistry on skype has been OUT OF THIS WORRLLLLLLDDDDD ... but I'm still kinda scared. So, he jives with what I do for a living (which has been a MASSIVE hurdle in me dating), he digs my brain, he digs my butt, I equally dig all of his-ness ... but AHHHHHHHH I feel like these expectations are just off the CHARTS!
Seriously!!! My brain wants to tell me that this guy is too good to be true, and to tone it down a notch - but I dunno. I don't feel like I should have to. Life is about moments like these ... waiting for that guy, being THIS excited over the simple sight of someone. If it weren't for these moments, life wouldn't be nearly as sweet as it is!
THAT I know to be true. FACT!
I can tell he's definitely different, and we're totes gonna be besties either way. No matter what, the mutual respect for each other professionally is superly duperly high ... but chemistry is intangible. He's not flying all the way down here to hang out with a new best friend, he's coming down here to make out with me ... a lot. And I want to mutually make out with him ... a lot. We've gotten to know each other SO well, and obviously there is the professional connection as well, so we're in each other's social space ... but I dunno man. I hit it off with so very few people in this world, it scares me. Looking at this from a logical perspective, yeah this dude has the highest chance of anyone in the last year - but let's face it, that doesn't say much!
I can very literally quote statistics and say out of 103 dates there were only 11 second dates and 4 that I wanted more from. That's IT!
BUUUTTTT, he is also the VERY first dude that has ever given me butterflies over skype. Seriously! SKYPE!!! We chat for hours and it seems like seconds ... but I have so many walls up in general; I don't have a lot of people in life I am close to. I'm trying to be more conscious of said walls, but it's hard, and honestly had it not been for the documentation of my life in general I might not have even acknowledged them being there in the first place. Having a guy like this in my life in ANY capacity isn't just something different, it's actually a pretty big adjustment. And I'm not even talking about dating him, just being in this headspace - it's incredibly foreign. Wait, I WANT to tell someone about my day? I don't just want to sit in the living room with a hoodie on and headphones in? Which btw, I am less anti-social if I am sitting in the living room and not just locked away in my bedroom. I am fucking socially awkward, man. Being social was a skill that I HAD to learn as a kid since I never fit in, I at least wanted people to talk to occasionally. So, I CAN talk to people - I just don't always like to.
Now this leaves me in a mighty predicament ... I like a boy ... I'm 99% positive we're gonna hit it off ... and pretty hardcore. Like see this bed?
This is my bed. And he's going to be the first person in it.
I don't like bringing people back to my apartment; I share my world with everyone always, there has to be some bit of something that I keep for myself. This weekend however, I'll be sharing that. And I'm clearly SUPPPERRRR excited, but it's kind of a big deal for me.
I don't want to fuck this up, but I recognize in any capacity I am going to be weird, and awkward, and I'm going to hope he talks more than me because I can be shy when I really like a boy ... I just ... want to go into my little hole ... and stay there ... but that's also no good because I get lonely ... really lonely. BAHHHH!!! Oh hairy ball sack. Why oh why do I have to like a boy!?!? Why does he have to be so cute, and so smart, and so understanding.
UGHHHHHH he's a hustler too ... so he not only like does things ... but he does, does things. He moves - and well. I have massive respect for the duderino.
But here I be. Lil ol' me. Still scared. But a little more accepting of that fact now more than ever. I am owning it ... sometimes I just need to remind myself of that fact.
</rant>