#Rant: Dear 6 year old self ... would you please shut up!

I had a really really really weird night. I don't normally have weird nights, so you have to understand when I say something was weird - it was definitely friggen weird.

First off, saw the movie Bridesmaids. EPPIICCC flick. Totes check out in theaters this Friday. I get why they are putting so much money into the damn marketing for the thing, it is absurd on entirely new levels. SERIOUSLY! Check out the trailer ...

I'm not usually a fan of the super over the top comedy, but this was a nice blend. You can tell chicks wrote it too - hahahaha there were so many subtle moments in there that were straight up the tits. DDs for sure.

Alrite, so I saw that flick - ANNNDDD was leaving the theater and noticed it was pouring outside. Fine normally, for any sane human being that uses a car in Los Angeles ... I on the other hand ... walk. And walk I did ... for a few miles ... in the cold ... pouring ... rain.

I'm a Los Angelino. It doesn't rain here. So add in the pansy effect to this entire scenario and you have one very ... VERY unhappy human being.

For the last few months or so, the notion of aging has had a very deep profound effect on me. For the first time in my life, I am genuinely starting to feel older. I'm 26 - and have always been ahead of the curve coming from a life of perpetually wanting to do things in the most efficient manner possible. I was watching Bridesmaids tonight, and there were so many things that hit me so hard.

Dude, I am getting old. This movie is supposed to speak to me - and it's just not happening.

Fuck, marriage? HAHA are you kidding me?! I can't even get dating right - let alone anything serious. Let alone anything even remotely close to marriage.

Then, as I was walking in the pouring rain, I genuinely started to tear up - my 6 year old self would be so disappointed in me right now.

I've pretty much been a smartass my entire life. If you asked me when I was 6 what I wanted to do with my life, I would have said with absolute confidence something that sounded like it should have been articulated by a 40 year old; I've always been way ahead of my years mentally. When I was 6 I could have told you that my dream for this age was to have my own condo as renting a place forever wasn't a good idea. It was easier to at least be paying something off - albeit, yes you may have had HOA costs, but they were certainly worth it as the place would one day be yours. Dude, I'm not kidding you. I used to correct my bestie Christina Benvenuto when we would want to play apartment, and I would say no, I want to play condo.

I'm not normal ... at all ... in any capacity.

I just made so many promises to myself at 6 that I have no idea if they are ever going to come true, and it's weighing so hard on my heart.

First off, I totes thought I'd be married by now. Like seriously - it's rather comical. I come from Connecticut, and whether or not people get snotty about me posting it, there is no denying that at our age ... right now ... my friends that still live in CT ... are all married and popping out kids. Totally rad for them. Very sincerely not mad at a second of it, but just trying to figure out how to let that part of my own "dream" go.

Wait, hold up a second, it wasn't really a "dream" for me - I've never been that chick ... but it was something that I read about in books, saw in Disney movies, talked about with friends at great lengths. I was totally going to be married at 22, or 24 - kids by 25/26 ... and apparently somewhere in there you were supposed to have a happily ever after as well.

That's not my reality.

At all. And or what so ever.

The thing is, in me, organically - it never even was my dream. It was just something promised to me from my 6 year old self which makes it that much more UNBELIEVABLY absurd!!!! I did this to myself.

I come from parental units that met super super super young, were each others firsts, ones, onlys, and everythings. Amazing for them - they are the exception not the rule. But totes messes with my noggin watching it happen around me IRL as a wee lass, and in Disney movies.

Compound that with the fact that when I was in my teens a doctor told me that if I actually wanted to have my own kids I would have to have them before I was 30. I don't even know medically speaking what the hell they were talking about - some weird gene anomaly - but it programmed into my noggin that I better get my shit together before that time.

Professionally speaking, yes, I have my shit together. I started this site - the ONNEEEEE thing I am so ABSURDLY proud of. No, like, literally ... I can get hit by a bus tomorrow, and I know I did something crazy awesome and epic with my time here on this planet. So if I die - rad. What a way to go! But personally speaking, wow, what a joke. I very literally went out on 103 dates in 9 months. ONE HUNDRED AND THREE!!!!! Technically speaking, it was actually MORE than 103 as a handful of them were dates just via life and not OKC. Who does that?!?! Who goes out on THAT many dates and still finds boys kinda meh. And oh yeah, the only four of those 103 that I was interested in were emotionally unavailable. Again though, I did at least address my said emotional unavailableness with the epic series of posts "This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story." Super super super proud of those posts, btw. Make sure you start at part 1!

My brain cannot handle that emotionally. Yes, it makes for great content - and yes, I am clearly an excited human being about my next social experiment documenting meeting guys at bars ... but I can't help but feel like my 6 year old self is sitting there in judgement scolding me. Really!?!?! ONE HUNDRED AND THREE!!!! I mean, come on! I've always been a go big or go home kinda person - but that's just absurd.

I dunno man, and I'm just hurt too that a member of my immediate family got so sick back in October. I've still been asked to not post on it- but there is nothing like a straight shot of mortality in seeing someone you love so much going through something like that. I mean totally out of body - totally unlike anything ... ever. I STILL cry a couple of times a week over it, and I STILL can recall every moment of everything that happened with it all.

I made this video from it - but I assure you, NONNNEEEEE of it registered at the time.

My dad is still supposed to walk me down the aisle, my mom is still supposed to tell me about the ups and downs of raising kids ... etc.

That is if I want kids ... and that is if I want to get married.

I'm just so conflicted at this point in my life. I have accepted so passionately on who I am, and where my organic awesomeness lies, but my 6 year old self - the one that society and commercialization created is screaming something entirely different to me. I know that 6 year old self isn't my heart and isn't my passion, since at the time I didn't know what either were ... but how do you learn to accept that you are just so UNBELIEVABLY different from the rest of the world, and if you don't fit in marching with everyone else - create your own marching band.

I brake for woodwinds.

I've been that way my entire life. I've broken every mold ... ever ... but a big part of me wonders if that is some sort of defense mechanism - or who I very truly am!! I know I've had my heart broken, but so what. Even before that, before I dated anyone, ever - I was still INCREDIBLY motivated to work. I launched my own computer and babysitting company before I hit double digits - I've always been an entrepreneur.

Like I said ... I'm not normal ... at all ... and I just consistently have to own that. I can't help but publish my thoughts, and tonight I was really upset thinking about all of these people that I remember one day being "young" and they were now looking pretty old.

Dude, the Jump to Conclusions guy from Office Space was totes in Bridesmaids, and he looked SOOOO ollddd!!! I did a commercial with Richard a few years back ... and I dunno if it was the makeup in the flick, or what, but HOLY CRAP he did not look like he did back in 2007.

It's weird when you are consciously aware that people you remember as being young are starting to look old. Clearly Richard isn't a spring chicken ... but dude, so so many people. Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox ... even Brangelina are lookin a bit old. DUDE!!! George Clooney just turned 50!!!! Who else remembers his guest spot on Golden Girls?!?!?!

UGHHH!!!!

I'm not mad at my life professionally speaking. Good lord, they are turning my life into a TV show - but just sort of discontent with it on the personal side; I don't want to be a cat lady that doesn't like cats that ends up being eaten by said neighborhood cats.

I won't say there is a part of me missing - but there is definitely a piece of me that I want to share, that I have yet to. I guess that is why I get so excited about my social experiments, and this is just more of a reason to throw myself out there to the world. I know I'm not getting any younger, but I'm sick of letting my 6 year old self down. I know I need to give her her own dose of reality, but at the same time - I wouldn't mind slipping into her fantasy every now and then.

Thanks for letting me share.

#kthxbye