This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 9)

Apr 3

(This was originally supposed to post last night, but I ran out of battery. haha! still dogsitting - left charger at the house. grrr!!!)

I am literally the nappiest person on the planet right now. Literally and figuratively. I spent the day napping ... OMMMGGG I may need to have a California King Sized bed in my life in the not so distant future - and on another note, I also have yet to shower today. I smell like dog, and overall Jen-ness. Eeeckkkkk!!!

I don't know why I'm sharing that with you all .... but here, I'll spray some febreeze ... mmmmm passionnnnn frrruuiiiiitttttt. K, all better.

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... here's part one point five ... here's part two ... here's part three ... here's part four ... here's part five ... here's part six ... here's part seven ... and here's part eight.

(Basically, I got my heart supremely broken a year and a half ago ... it actually was one of the reasons that I started this blessed little site. It's impairing my current OkCupid social experiment ... so I decided to grab this story by the balls and take ownership of it. These are a series of posts that I am doing to hash it out and make it tangible so I can move on since I can't afford therapy. FOR REALS!! That shit is expensive!!!)

Let's get 'er done B.o.B!!!

The mentalist's building had like a two prong approach; the first step was to be buzzed in from downstairs in the garage. I waited anxiously for him to come down. What am I doing? What am I doing? I just want this feeling back. If I look at him, everything will go back to normal - I know it. Just let all of this go back to normal, please.

He opens the door, while opening his arms to embrace - I fall into them. It wasn't even a hug, it was more of a full body collapse. He kissed my forehead, and said - let's go little lady.

We go upstairs, and I just sort of sat there - so vacant. He looked different, he smelled different - he was different. The Minnesota girls were gone at that point; one was just out for the evening, the other left to go back home right around the time the shit hit the fan. She got really spooked by the entire scenario, and didn't really like LA to begin with. Oh yeah ... and did I forget to mention that no one told me that the mentalist and that chickadee totally boned? Yep, she said she was drunk, he was drunk - but um ... she also came out to stay with him for a weekend prior to us all kicking it in San Diego. Really? Really? Really? THAT SHIT PISSED ME OFF!!! And why were you randomly calling him asking him to come down to the San Dizzle if you weren't looking to bone? Did I spoil that surprise? UGHHHH!!!! I feel like at some point, maybe, that might have come up. I harbor no ill will for the girl, but good lord - epic fail on girl code. Epic epic epic fail.

I just sat in his apartment and stared into space; I was an emotional astronaut floating around in zero gravity. He never apologized, he never said anything really. He just brushed it all off like none of it happened. The air was so thick - it was suffocating.

Why am I here? What do I want out of this scenario?

I piped up and said, so I started this website. He goes oh yeah? What's the name of it? It's called "Talk Nerdy To Me Lover."

Swear to god ... this part I will never forget ... he goes, I'm glad you're starting a site - but I don't like the name. It's too long, people won't remember it.

(Number one thing I am told over, and over, and over, and over - that is an AWESOME name for a website - hahahhaa suckkkkaaaaaaaaa!!!)

I shrugged him off and thanked him for the input that I didn't ask for.

I attempted to make small talk, but then I just broke down and said - I really miss my best friend. How could you do this to me? A steady stream of tears fell down my cheeks - he sat down holding me. Tangent: Dude, even his couch was uncomfortable - it was this god awful super expensive Italian leather thing. There was nothing in this scenario that was warm and inviting in any regard ... his touch was cold and vacant; the butterflies were gone.

I very sincerely wish at some point he started to hit me. No, like literally - I wish we had been in a physically abusive relationship - because then, I would have fought back and done something about it (I'm a boxer, I can throw a fucking punch). But with him, it was all emotional and a supreme mind fuck. The intangible nature of it all literally drove me insane. What was left became right, what was up became down.

He kept saying over and over, stop doing this to yourself. I didn't go anywhere, look I'm right here. We can make all of this go away, and start seeing each other again if you want to.

Wait, hold the phone - was he really trying to rationalize all that he just put me through? SERIOUSLY?!?!?!!

Remember too, it wasn't like we had a series of fights, and things were on the rocks - etc. I literally went from being head over heels in love to not. (Mind you, of course we had our fights, but this was different. This was betrayal in the rawest form.)

I get up and say that I have to go. Don't leave me he says, as he starts to cry.

Fuck, he's crying. I've at this point only seen my dad cry once, my brother cry a couple of times - but never a guy that I've been dating, and certainly not one that I loved.

I walk over to comfort and hold him.

SHHH - it's okay. It's okay ... It's okay babe.

He kisses me.

I wake up in his bed.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

K. Lemme get some coffee, new post in a few hours. HIZZUAH!!