#NerdsUnite: Ask That Nerdy Chick ...
WOOOWWWWW!!! I just got the gnarliest email ever. Well not like ever ever, but dude - I can totally relate.
Back in September, I posted this story about the fact that I used to have a fake internet boyfriend. No joke, totally go read it - it's cool, I'll just wait right here and twiddle my thumbs. Doop dee doooooooooo
Ya back? Awesome! Miss you loads. Well, this duderino read my story - contacted me on Facebook, and then sent this epic message:
So, when I was 16, I came out to everyone I was gay...my friends seemed ok with it, but then my parents found out and they weren't ok with it. Basically they 'grounded' me and wouldn't let me out with my friends incase I met up with 'other people' and did stuff the stereotypes do, 'coz everyone does that! This lasted for a good year and a half. I had just done my school exams (GCSEs) and was heading for a decline in my moods now being 'grounded' and I got quite depressed eventually, I had no one to talk to about my feelings, I gained trust issues because my friends told people about me when I'd asked them not to, so I tried to find people who were in the same position. I met a few people and chatted online...as you do...haha. Then I was on bebo and saw this guy who seemed genuine - all the boxes were filled in, nice self story...plus it was nice to see someone with their top on without sprawling themselves over the page all slutty like, so I contacted the guy! I have attached a picture of the guy onto this email.
Anyway, we got chatting, he seemed really really nice and we got along like wildfire, liking the same things, able to laugh at anything...more importantly, I could be myself and open up to someone. We talked more and more mainly on msn and texting - he was living in Scotland, I'm from Derby (In the centre of the UK) - and we eventually started 'dating'. Like you (from reading your story, from what I remember, you did this too) I made a story up how we met somewhere in town - I was confronted by friends and family about my relationship - I was too naive to understand what I was getting myself into, yet so confident that what I thought was right. XXXX must have been real!!
So he'd ask me for pictures (before you start thinking rude ones, it wasn't like that haha), he was kind and just asked for one or two at a time to show people about me - he was 24 and had a job with the MoD (Ministry of Defense) - something to do with money and budgeting. SO anyway, I sent the pictures, very shy about that as I wasn't photogenic but I trusted him. Then I asked him for pictures and he said he was really shy and not confident with himself and how he looked... I said ok, because I knew that feeling... eventually he did send me one or 2...without his head...lol
I tried to make him go on Skype camera, but at the time he didn't have a webcam, until he got a new computer. So I got all excited that he finally had a webcam and we could chat properly!! He wasn't ready to use it, so most nights it would be me on cam as I did my homework or something. Wouldn't even let me hear his voice apart from the odd "I love you XXXX"
Then as I had his number, I'd try to ring him, but he'd never answer...I don't know why I let this continue, but it was the fact that I had someone I really liked talking to, and as it progressed, I enjoyed his 'company'. He was always there, we always talked and because it went on for so long (14 months in total) I thought that he must be real.
On about month three we decided to meet up! "YES!!!!" I thought! I got so excited! He had a car, so he was going to come down and spend a day with me! SO EXCITING! The day before he said he had to go into hospital because he had a letter back from the doctors that his cancer was back...I got so worried, but thought no one would lie about that. So he went into hospital and had chemo and radiotherapy, but I had no way of getting to him. Thankfully the treatment worked, but then he said he didn't want me to see him so frail with no hair and all that, I understood.
As his hair grew and he got well again (about month 8!!) I asked if we could meet up, but he had to go to his nan's first (which was in Plymouth - far south of England)
He had told me all of his family members and all these different dates and they all seemed to be a constant.
Over the Christmas Break, he went to play euphonium, piano and sing at a music school and a brass band and sent me the recordings. As far a I knew, it was him and he was really good - he knew I was very musical playing sax and clarinet myself.
When he went to his nan's she wasn't well so we couldn't meet up but we talked about houses, moving in together so all this wouldn't happen, he would be able to get me away from everything going on at home, make a happy, safe environment for me, for us to be in. So we got excited and house hunted!! it was so amazing knowing that it was really happening!!!
Then his Nan passed away. I tried to help but as he didn't want me there, I couldn't do much. He then lived at his Nan's for a while, showed me where it was on Google Earth, showed me his old school, where his dad lives, all those things.
We started talking about moving in together again, but then as the house was chosen, he got a temporary job opportunity from the MoD in london to train people - this was going to be for about 6 weeks. on the 4th week he got invited to join the brass band...I thought it was great! so he joined, then said that he had to live within half an hour or something of London Centre where the rehearsals were. Then the job was permanent. I didn't know what to do, so I said I'd move to London, he said I need to finish my education first.
He then joined the choir the ISS - they're really good, the choir master was the woman from the Christmas concerts.
(I apologise for this being disjointed, its such a mush in my head, but where the music is involved here is a breakdown.....
- Played at his Nan's church on piano
- People enjoyed it thoroughly and someone knew Dot - the musical director or a Music course/college
- XXXX was invited to play piano there - then asked to sing there too
- got to london for the job, invited to play with the ISB (International Staff Brass)
- Dot wanted him in the ISS (International Staff Songsters)
- Went for the singing in the end for rehearsals
Then he got Cancer again about month 12 and told me he couldn't go through the treatment again and was ready to pass on, I tried everything to persuade him to go through it so we could have our life but he said the cancer was too aggressive (he told me that he'd had it over and over again, and that story kind of added up)
I had no money and couldn't get down to him at all, I tried everything I could, but then he said he didn't want our first meet - real time together to be the last.
I got so depressed and sadly XXXX passed away. His dad texted me to tell me...on XXXX's phone, wouldn't answer the phone.
I had no contact for him, but I found the person that was there with him was called XXXX, so I got in touch with him who told me all the places - where the funeral was, the burial and all those things - what he'd been told. He didn't sound interested in me at all.
XXXX and I started to talk more and he seemed to know a lot about me - told by XXXX he said. I didn't want to think XXXX was fake, especially when he'd just died.
However, I contacted the funeral procession place, the church for the Vigil, the site he was supposed to be buried - the cremators and none of them had record of him.
I contacted Dot to ask how his last rehearsal went, how he was - anything to keep my thoughts at bay...
...she got back to me and did not know anyone called XXXX XXXX.
I was shocked!!! I didn't know what to do, but I didn't want to say anything to anyone, I felt awful as he'd 'passed away'
The thing that got me most, was that the song he sung and recorded was a song that I had been listening to every night because it was him, the only part of him I had left! Then I found that it was really someone singing who was on American Idol, found that by chance. I was distraught!
Another point was that XXXX said that I was in his Will - now money doesn't bother me, I don't understand it but I don't have much. I haven't received a penny. the money part isn't my issue, it was that it was a lie and another point that made me think...is he real?
The story doesn't end there though!
I kept in touch with XXXX, he was from Scotland, really nice chap and we still talk today - feelings have developed, but I have always had this thing in the back of my mind because:
- he knows so much about me
- his personality is so like XXXX's
- he had bebo and they weren't friends on there, but they had exactly the same holiday pictures - consisting of about 15 different locations, none with pictures of themselves in, they both said it wasn't a holiday they had together, said it was with friends.
- he rings me on a blocked number, but one time it wasn't blocked, it was XXXX's number - he said that XXXX gave him his phone (said that from the start) and that he was going to change it soon
- still won't give me his number but saw on his Facebook that he's given his number out to people - which was XXXX's number.
- has a blackberry so we use bbm. He rang me once, forgetting to block the number from my sight and it was XXXX's number, but told me that he was using XXXX's blackberry, his was on charge in the office, but blackberrys have their own pins, so I don't understnad how that could have worked.
The difference is that XXXX has come to see me do music concerts, we talk all the time and use skype a lot - so I get to see him.
The thing is, have I had the fake and then the real person who faked? I really don't know what to do, I know there are lots of pointers, but because he 'died' I don't want to speak ill of him, I feel lost and really like XXXX, but is that because he is the same person?
I am so sorry for how long this email is and how confusing it may be to read, but I am so lost and confused and you seem like a person who will understand from past experience.
Thank you so SO much for your time, any advice you can give at all will be invaluable to me.
Wow. Wow. Wow. First off, thanks so much for reaching out.
I know this isn't an easy thing to talk about, there's so much shame and embarassment associated with telling a story like this ... totally nuts. We never want to think someone like this can happen to us, we're nerds - we're smart people.
Tangent: I'm totally groovin to Anberlin's Impossible as I write this. Kinda fits ... have a listen.
Second of all, your parents really "grounded" you when you came out to them? I am so sorry, that's absolutely horrid. You have ABSOLUTELY nothing to be ashamed of - parents just don't get certain things. Mine couldn't comprehend wanting to leave modeling to be a professional nerd. I fit into this nice mold to them to all of their friends, and then when that changed it was like say whhhhaaaaa?? Just hold the parentals in a place of unconditional love babe - they do come around.
This story resonates with me so deeply ... I also BEGGED him to get a webcam. BEGGED BEGGED BEGGED - and nope, nada. Mine took place in 2007, so honestly not a lot of people had webcams to begin with ... certainly not the norm that it is today; was pre the tipping point.
There were SOOOOOO many signs that my guy wasn't legit, but I didn't care. I was in a vulnerable state emotionally at that time, and I refused to admit that this person that I poured my heart and soul to could not be who they said they were. I literally to this day STILL want to just know who the real person is. I know for a fact he's not the real person as he openly emailed me saying, how could I say that we never met after all the sex we had ... blah blah blah. I was honestly so spooked at that point that I stopped posting his responses on the site. I was like, wait - WHAT?! The EASIEST thing to prove - did I meet you, or did I not ... and your story is that I am the one lying here? The lifecaster!!! Fuck me in the goat ass, man. I seriously started trippin balls and got really spooked.
Either way, you are 100% right that XXXX is XXXX. I am very sorry to be so blunt in telling you that babe, but I very strongly urge you to walk away from all parties. It's so hard when they devote so much time and attention to you, but this just SMELLS of trouble. Anyone that is willing to do that to someone ... fake this entire relationship ... THEN claim they died of cancer - is total bullshit. Dude, what kind of father would TEXT someone saying their son died?!!! None of it makes sense babe. Just like none of MY story made sense to anyone.
Dude, my guy claimed his dad got in this super serious accident just a day before he was supposed to come out and visit me. Concocted this WHOLLLEEEE story around it with his brother and his dad getting in a fight - storming out, and BAM getting hit by a car. Fucking bat shit!!!!!
You have such a big heart babe, and it's hard to understand how this happened, and it's hard to believe - but I assure you ... you need to move on. Nothing good can come of this. What's the next option? Are you and XXXX going to develop a relationship? This is the guy that pretended to be Dan! What else is he capable of?
It is interesting to note though that he killed off his fake to be with you in his "real" self. What in him didn't feel "good enough" to begin with that he felt he needed to have this persona? Clearly you are attracted to XXXX anyway.
Next doable action: Say goodbye to XXXX.
I know it sounds harsh, and yes, I'm sure you will go into a depression from not having that relationship - but I ASSURE you it's not going to get any better. People like this prey on people like you. They know what they're doing, and they're very good at it. He may not be asking to meet you in a cheap motel room, or asking you to cyber .... but its equally damaging to your psyche to have that emotional connection with someone in any capacity and to find out it's all been a lie.
The confusion alone is maddening. It's so hard to believe everything you were told was a lie - your brain very literally doesn't want to process it. Just hang in there, babe and know that you are not at ALL alone.
LMK if there's anything I can do to help, and please keep us posted on the progress.