This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 4)

Mar 31

In the next chapter of, As the Rubiks Cube Turns .... HA! Your comments on these stories guys make my FUCKING LIFE! Thank you for reading - I'm equally enjoying getting this off of my chest. Sad I got called a bitch this morning on Facebook from one of the chickadees. I understand, but I was trying to convey that here I was being a miss know it all, and I really didn't know anything. I understand I can be brutally honest, almost to a default, like literally yesterday at CAA I made the head of the TV department turn BRRIIIGGHHHTTTTTTTTTTT red. I'm not exactly politically correct, nor do I have a filter. I just have to own that, and get over it. Actions have consequences - I understand. Things will be what they will be, I hold people in a place of unconditional love, and I'm gonna keep on keepin on.

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... and here's part one point five ... here's part two ... and here's part three.

(Basically, I got my heart supremely broken a year and a half ago ... it actually was one of the reasons that I started this blessed little site. It's impairing my current OkCupid social experiment ... so I decided to grab this story by the balls and take ownership of it. These are a series of posts that I am doing to hash it out and make it tangible so I can move on since I can't afford therapy. FOR REALS!! That shit is expensive!!!)

I can only think of one song I wanna hear when writing this post. You know the one I'm talking about ...

HIT IT BLU!!!

So, I just found out that literally the love of my life cheated on me. Like, the entire time we were together. Like, they fucked in the bed that I was currently crying in. Like, he told me he loved me - told me he wanted me to have his children, told me he wanted to go into business together, told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me ...

HE TOLD ME HE FUCKING LOVED ME!!!!!!

LAST TIME I CHECKED FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE WAS NOT AN ACT OF LOVE!!!

(Although yes, swingers have a time and a place in life, and can be a wonderfully enjoyable experience. This was neither that time, nor that place.)

Fortunately, while all of this was going on, he was on tour. I kid you not, if he had been there I prolly would have walked out of that apartment, gone down to a gun shop, learned how to fire a gun ...

Tangent: I actually have since learned how to fire a gun ... and even have a KILLER shot! LOOK!! ...

Fuck yeah motha fuckaaa!!! This was my first time shooting!

... purchased said gun, waited the three days, shot him in cold blood, and been PERFECTLY content with sitting in a jail cell for the rest of my life with a shit eating grin on my face as I got butt raped by a bingo player named Betty. (Dude, do chicks get butt raped in jail? Prolly not right? Tangent Jen, tangent)

I can't even begin to describe to you what I was feeling. It was this SURRGGEEEEE OF ANGER like I have never felt before - mixed with this feeling of vacancy. He was my world, my everything, my love. I sat up in the bed, and I could literally feel my body chemistry changing; I put my head in my hands and just sobbed uncontrollably. It's one thing if your relationship had a lot of ups and downs, and it's one thing if you suspected something - I very literally suspected nothing. Like nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Life is reflective; I couldn't even LOOK at another boy, let alone think about having sex with them. I get blinders when it comes to boys I like. I can't help it, I'm Irish - we are loyal creatures. We're slow to let people in, but once they are in - BAM, lifetime membership.

The room started spinning. Literally.

How could this be happening ...

I loved this person, how could they do this to me ... and with HER?! This chick that I DESPISED (seriously, who BAKES BROWNIES!!!! No one cooks in LA!! blllahhhhhh) - and he told me over and over how much he didn't like her, and how annoying she was to him.

This isn't happening ...

Given, again, not in his defense - but in an attempt to recall this story as truthful as possible, we weren't in a technical sense in an exclusive relationship. Yes, we lived together, but that was with a degree of arm pulling on my part. I had however asked him POINT BLANK about brownie girl specifically if he had kissed anyone after me - and he said no. That part, he did lie about. (Again, who also thought to ask, hey, you fuck any other good pussy lately? HAHAHA never even occurred to me.)

You guys also have to understand he is a mentalist; he knew where my head was at, and he knew what he was doing. He's in fact very. very. very. good at it. I learned from him that love and attraction can actually be broken down into doable actions.

Anyone ever read The Game? You can ABSOLUTELY make someone fall in love with you. I know, because this was part of what he used on me. I started reading a few pages of it a few months later, and just got ENNRRAAAGGGEEEDDDDDD with the fact that there was a book out there like this, and people like me were falling for it. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so stupid? How could I be so stupid?

The writing was on the wall, and at Borders which was RIGHT BENEATH THE APARTMENT!!!!!

I could have fucking bought the book for $20, and known all along. YOU HAVE GOOOTTTT TOOOO BEEEEE KIDDINNNGGGG MMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I had been in love twice before, but this was lovvveeeeeeee that hit my soul, knocked me on my ass, and left me in a state of dellerium. Now you're telling me that this was potentially even all a front? Other dudes do this to chicks, and there is a whole sub-culture of this industry?

Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes.

(In fact, when it came to bringing on our dating coach, Art of Charm's Jordan Harbinger, I SPECIFICALLY asked if he used any of these techniques, and he said no. He doesn't approve. AMEN!)

He garnished The Game with a side of neuro-linguguistic programming. See, mind readers aren't "actually" mind readers - but it is a science, and those that can master it can obviosuly make a very good living doing it. We first started talking about NLP during one of our long talks about the state of consciousness, and what is and is not. He said, eye movement is controlled by the brain (obviously). So when a person is recalling information, their eyes will look in a certain direction. When they are creating a story, your eyes will move in another direction ... and so on and so on. It's incredibly intense, and I totally suggest googling. It'll blow your FUCKING MIND. And open some really really really big windows to your mind. Aside from just understanding eye movement, another component to neuro-linguistic programming is anchoring.

Per This Site: Ever heard of Russian physiologist & psychologist Ivan Pavlov? He is most well known for his findings on human and animal conditioning. While doing a research on dogs’ digestion, he discovered this phenomenon. When it came to meal time, Pavlov would use bells to call his dogs to the food. After repeating this numerous times, he found that even without any food, the dogs would salivate from hearing the sound of the bell.

By doing so, Pavlov associated the ringing sound of the bell to food. And the numerous repetitions have conditioned the dogs to respond to the ringing bell just like how they respond to food.

This is how NLP anchoring works. By conditioning responses to unique NLP anchors, we are able to deliberately get into specific states just by triggering the unique NLP anchor. Just like Pavlov’s dogs.

So NLP anchors are really a stimulus for us to get into whatever states we want. Similarly as Pavlov uses the ringing bell sound to act as a stimulus, with NLP anchoring, we can set certain anchors to act as the stimulus to certain states. And after many repetitions, the association between the NLP anchor and the state will be conditioned.

Yep, he used that shit on me too. I won't say I was powerless because that envokes a victim's type mentality. I am taking ownership of this story, not victimizing myself - I say this however to relay to you all just how unbelievably on my ass, gut wrenching, soul soaking, head over heels in love I was with this individual.

And now this is happening.

I picked up my phone to call him. The girls came in and freaked out - you can't tell him we told you. You can't tell him we told you, they screamed. What the fuck am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to really know then?

I had an idea ... he hooked up with brownie girl in the car garage - the car garage at his apartment had video cameras. I said, I can say that I befriended the security guard (which was not a lie, we actually did build up a nice rapport), and as a favor, he wanted to tell me he saw something he thought I should know about. Again too, I feel like a dude would have done that if he was trying to get all up on it. The mentalist was CONVINCED all these dudes were always trying to get all up on it - used to drive me nuts. Talk about being insecure, and life being reflective.

The girls didn't know what to say- they didn't know what to do. Their anxiety went through the roof as well. They were still looking for jobs at that time, they still hadn't met a lot of people in town, they were living rent free in the mentalist's apartment, now they just blew his cover? Remember, he told one of them outright what he did that day I was editing the video. So, he knew they knew, they knew he knew, and all of the secrets were safe as long as I didn't know.

Now, I fucking know.

I told them going through the security guard and the video tape was the only way they could preserve their relationship. I couldn't pretend like all of this wasn't happening - I HAD to confront him.

I took a deep breath, and picked up the phone. I immediately started sobbing again. I couldn't believe I was doing this - I was confronting the love of my life for cheating on me with another woman. Did I suddenly transport myself into a bad Lifetime movie? This has to be a dream. I composed myself, dialed the number, and hit send.

Ring

Dude, talk about the LONNGGEESSSTTTT RINNNNGGGGGGGSSS EVVEERRRRRR!!! Time stopped. My heart was pounding so fast, my head hurt ... keep it together Jen ... keep it together. You're strong, you can do this - or if not, fake it til you make it.

It goes to voicemail. He didn't answer. I think, I can't do this over text - I need to talk to him NOWWW!!! He had a habit of this as well, btw. He never answered the phone when I called him. I always thought that was weird (remember that tidbit).

I sent the following text: "I saw a video tape you need to know about, and we need to speak NOW!!!"

A tad bit dramatic? Yes. But if I didn't confront him now, I was going to literally explode. I sat back down on the bed and sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. Because of all of the crying ... I slowly drifted to sleep.

That night there were no sheep or sugar plums, instead the lullaby of this isn't happening. this isn't happening. this isn't happening. danced in my head.

I woke up the next morning prepared to take action. Step 1. Confront the mentalist. Step 2. Move out.

I was prepared for step 1 immediately, the only problem was, he hadn't texted me back, nor called me - the ultimate disappearing act.

I did the only thing I knew how to do - I turned to Facebook. I learned from working at LiveVideo back in 2007 that lifecasting was truly the only form of therapy that ever worked for me. I had spent my entire life in and out of therapy, on and off anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-life. ABSOLUTELY NONE OF IT ever worked on me. Something just clicked when I lifecasted, or even just blogged. There was such a power in sending it out to the universe and releasing it. So different than just jotting something down in a notebook - I feel like it's still in your possession and can still poison the mind until you release it. I didn't have a blog, so I turned to the only thing I had Facebook notes:

(On second thought, I could have turned to Myspace - I did have a lil blog thing doing on over there ... but I wanted my friends, my family, EVERYONE in my life to know that this happened. I had to face the music with or without being able to confront him.)

Literally 5 minutes after posting this ... my phone rang.

It was the mentalist.

Alrite, gonna take a break - hahahaa so fucking cruel, I know. But literally this has been the most draining of the posts yet. Need to meditate for a half hour - recompose myself. I should be able to get another post out of me today.

Either way, again guys, thanks for all the support. Greatly appreciated.

You make me all SOOOO FUCKING PROUD TO TYPE: