#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick
Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.
#nowplaying: Martin Solveig - Hello
Good day, not great - not indifferent ... just sort of was. Came back from my longer than anticipated vacation in the San Dizzle. DUDDDEEE!!! Polly had a bed that I slept on for two nights longer than expected- hahaha! you KNOW my butt was going to sleep in that thing for as long as possible. King. Sized. Bed!!!! I've been urban camping since April of 2010 but specifically couch surfing since January 3rd of this year, and mannnnnnn I will never in my life forget how AH-MAZING it feels to sleep in a bed. Spent the last FIVE nights sleeping in one!!!! AHHHH!!!!
I was a dancer for 15 years, I was born dancing and on my toes ... this whole notion of sleeping without proper back support really messes with me in a very intense manner. Again, world's smallest violin- I am ETERNALLY grateful for a shower, and a roof over my head; this little life adventure I choose to take did not come with a clause of comfort - I'll deal, people are way more worse off in the world than I am. I get that- really do!
Speaking of which, happy to report - that I finally found a place to volunteer!!! Took a bit of time, but again, that is Hollywood - people with court appointed ANYTHING take president over this lil' nerdy chick. Crazy, weird, set of scenarios too - I got so frustrated trying to find anything on foot, I reached out to my social network, contacted this dude that COMPLETELY has my heart, utterly adore, and would do ANYTHING for this dude - and he goes yahhhh! I totally know these peeps that would not only appreciate you chopping lettuce, but would totally love you to help them do this thing in social media. Unbelievable, just what I was looking for - by talking to my social network? Are you kidding me? I would LITERALLY scrub a floor if it meant it would elevate me psychologically to a place that I could understand something more. Humility is not a factor in anything. I cannot WAIT to just be of service. Emailed the chickadee back to see if I could come by tomorrow. All this stuff going around me right now is SUCH NOISE!!!!! Literally. I am a lifecaster, so what I do in an of itself is completely ensconced in self absorption - that's not what I want. You add in the fact that the ENTIRE back story to what is happening in my life right now is that they are also basing a pilot on my life and these adventures, and it just adds an element of BLAHHHH I am not willing to accept. Honestly too, that's how people fuck shit up; you get too caught up in your own kool aid. I don't want that - like AT ALL. I will give to this organization as much as I can, and I'm sure I'll give them ad space etc - but outside of that, people that post over and over their charitable work seems lame. I don't want to say I did x amount of this today, yay me! That further feeds the self absorption. I want to do something because I fucking want to do something.
The more you give, the more you get.
If anyone tells you differently, they are just trying to sell you something. I very literally cannot stress that enough. Let the rest just be. The people that get it, will get it. The people that won't, never will.
Kinda sad over this whole OkCupidness as of late. I can't go ANYWHERE in this town, or online that someone doesn't get what I do. Dude, kid you not, last Thursday at Dillons, this chick was PASSED OUT on the floor of the bathroom, BEGGING her friend not to take a pic and post it on Facebook - her friend BLURTS OUT, that's Jen! Worry about her more, she'll post on you. I helped her friend up, and said Happy birthday (as I heard Feliz Compleanos thrown in the mix). Her friend was clearly also a couple sheets to the wind, as in LA people don't normally do things like that. Just caught me off guard. Like HARDCORE! I wasn't even going to post on that, as I understand how douchey it can come across, but the fact that right now my shoulders are so tense, and my face is so scrunched even in just typing this - means that this is just something I am going to have to deal with, as uncomfortable as it makes me - I chose it. Deal.
Also breaks my heart that I am a walking talking cliche on OKCupid. Dude, I reached out to ONE DUDE today, and he knew this site and said "FYL indeed" - fuck your life. I love my life, but the public component of my dating failure weighs on my heart. I would love one day to say that there is a happily ever after to all of this, but I dunno. It's being documented in real time - I'd be untrue to my own art.
How can I be such a romantic and a realist rolled into one? Is it too much to ask to meet a real dude, that I feel a real connection with, and really wanna bone?
I talk about it enough, how has that part of my life not manifested itself yet! GRRRR!!
I'm so scared. Not about this site, or the pilot - that just is ... and I'm super stoked for the brand in general, but it means shit to me. I'm just more scared of what it is doing to the people around me. I think it's going to make me more of a hermit emotionally. Dude, even one of my own parental units tonight was like, why aren't you starring in your own pilot? 1. Um parental unit, they're going to want a big name. 2. I don't even know if I ever want to return to acting. I just like knowing what I know now about human nature. I went to one of the best acting schools in the world - those skills compounded with my knowledge of social media are VERY LITERALLY invaluable.
If social media had been around for forever and a day, no DOUBT I would have jumped all up on that from day one. It just feeds my SOULLLLLL in ways nothing ever has before. Why do other people place such an end point on you? Well, parents are supposed to - I think ... I love you dearly, but get off of IMDB. If I don't care about my star meter, you shoudn't either. It's SUCH noise! Noise! Noise! If I say that to them though, it comes across wrong. They paid for my school tuition, and I'm certain they expected some sort of return other than their daughter wanting to run this weird website. FTR, how is my brother still not a "liker" of my own website on Facebook? Breaks my heart. OMG I must be PMSing today. The word vomit will not stop. My heart feels so sad today. Like, so so so so sad. I'm becoming a cliche.
#OyAndI'mNotEvenJewish
