Fun with #OkCupid: 8 months of reflection

Alrite, so I'm still chillin at Polly's apartment ... that's Polly of @dustycpollyd ... and we just finished watching The Bachelor. I personally would never be caught dead watching that shit. Like, literally - I would rather go to the dentist, have said dentist place an entire beehive on my head and subject myself to what I can imagine would be an alarmingly painful death.

I don't get it! I literally cannot comprehend how people can watch shows like that! First off, I loves me some reality TV. Not like reality TV as of late, but I was totally in the MTV generation of Road Rules, Real World, True Life awesomeness. Dude, I'm a lifecaster! Clearly I love this shit ... but I feel like shows like The Bachelor are just so different on so many levels. I don't even want to put it in the same sort of category.

First off, The Bachelor looks like a soap opera. You know how the second you turn on a soap opera, you KNOW it is a soap opera? Same thing. It was beautiful, and clean, and just too storybook!

The chicks on that show look like pageant queens, and the way they talk about love ... and life ... I mean WOOOWWWWWWW!!!! (Although, I can note the show has a FABULOUS stylist, as Emily was wearing my blue $3 man shirt from Buffalo Exchange on tonight's episode. She wore it as a dress with a belt. Great taste!) This is literally what is wrong with America. How the fuck has this show been on for so long, and amassed such a cult following? Again, I was saying earlier- people really are this stupid. It's SUCH bullshit!

Alrite, well, lemme take it down a notch. I'm sincerely trying not to hate just understand; I just have no filter. First off, if you watch the show for whatever god awful reason - look away, I'm going to be talking about what I saw and I don't want to spoil anything for you.

I was curious in watching this episode that I knew nothing about either of the chicks, or the dude, or really anything to do with anything about this show if I could read the dudes body language to understand who he was going to pick ... and of course, that ended in epic fail. I totally guessed wrong. It was weird because with the brunette, his body language was so open, and he seemed so emotionally connected - but you have to understand there are editors, a director, storyline producers - it's bits and pieces sliced together. They're trying to get you to believe one thing to have this big reveal. I was just being nosey and wanted to test some of my shizzy shiznat out - but again, epic fail.

Kinda got me thinking though about my own social media dating-ness and truly what the organic root of attraction is. Have you ever wondered why you are attracted to someone? I've noticed a BIG BIG BIG pattern of mine in the last 8 months - I am without a doubt attracted to emotionally unavailable men. If life is reflective, like I always say it is, what does that say about me?

But let's take a step back, and look at the figures. In 8 months, I've gone out on a total of 96 dates, and only 3 of them I had actually wanted to date. Literally, just 3. That figure blows my mind, btw - but its true. The first guy, I never really posted on because we were friends, er, still are friends - but it was just something that happened, and unfortunately could be no more. He didn't live in CA so that in and of itself is just too weird and too much of a blah for anything.

The second duderino, he was a total trip. Like hello, lemme go and pack my bags type thing. Super super super smart, like absurdly smart. We have mutual friends and the second I told people that I went out on a date with him it was this immediate - duh! Of course you two would! He's super creative, a music wackadoodle noodle, and just all around pretty rad dude. Like 2.5 seconds into meeting him - he had to have surgery on one of his lungs. Big big big time smoker! (definitely gross since I do not smoke cigarettes. Like never at all. Not averse to pot, but cigs don't do it for me.) I wasn't necessarily attached to him going into surgery, like hardcore. We had been talking and everything obviously, but you know like any seemingly kind hearted person, how could I not just hope the dude gets out of this thing okay.

I remember the text I sent him, it said something along the lines of LMK if you made it out alive - if not I have a SUPPERRR smoking hot little black dress that I'd love to wear at your funeral to meet your friends.

HAHA! So not nice! But his response back shook me - he goes, got news. It's not good. I'm in really bad shape. Reading that totally made my heart sink. It was this immediate - holy shit! I actually liked you too! FUCK!!!! I knew what hospital he was in, but I texted him back asking what room, and he said he didn't want to see anyone yet. I don't know if we've met yet, but I do NOT take no for an answer. I'll completely handle not now, but if I get something like that from someone I care about - it's period. end. of. sentence. You are going to be fine, let's make something happen to make this better. I literally just got in my car (which was still registered at the time), and drove over - again though, respecting a boundary ... just intending on at least being in a waiting room or something until he was ready. I get there, and he just had the biggest shit eating grin on his face - he was super happy to see me, and it made him laugh and turned on at the same time that I don't take no for an answer. I proceeded to spend the next 24 hours at a bedside of a dude I just met.

I tell myself I am this cold hearted bitch, but if you look at my resume prior to finishing high school - I worked at a day care, then a day camp, had my own babysitting company when I was 12 (technically I was 9, but legally speaking - I was 12), and then one summer I started off nannying two 5 year old twins and by the end of the summer I had them plus two 6 year olds and a 9 year old. 5 kids, I'm sure at that point I needed a permit. I'm INCREDIBLY maternal, I just get off more on business than babies. I'm sure that'll change one day, but I'm 26 - I'm milking these boobies for as long as I can before I have a baby strapped to 'em. Ugh, scary thought.

Back to dude numero dos ... I posted on him, and he got weird. Like super weird. Like crazy super weird and evasive, and whatevs. But on the flip side of things, can I just say that he was asking me to come home to meet his parents for Thanksgiving. Like gave me the phone to talk to his mother ... and at the time, there were no meds involved. I assure you, not trying to be all defensive, but it was a series of very intense circumstances - story of my LIFE! Either way, after I posted on him, it got weird ... gave it a little bit, and I unfriended him. You can always tell when I really like a boy that I have to unfollow and unfriend him. This is my space. I literally live online all day everyday, I will absolutely not be able to get over you if I see a tweet or status update from you. I'm a complete creeper when it comes to a boy I have a crush on. Where the fuck was social media when I was a teen dating? Good lord! I never would have left my house!

Dude, I remember getting a boy's AOL sn and thinking it was the GREATEST THING EVVEERRRRRRR to see him pop up on my buddy list!

And OMG reading away messages and even sub-profiles? Over the moon! Totally ... over the FREAKING MOON!!!

So ... flash forward to just recently, where again totally had a crush on a boy that I went out on a date with in Culver City and woke up in Santa Barbara. I really liked that guy. No like, lemme take a few steps back - I will admit to you all ... I really really really fucking liked that boy. My heart was absolutely broken. He had a lot of reservations about what I do for a living, and sort of being a part of it. He's very much behind the scenes, and then he meets this chick with a website and she's got a pilot in development ... I'm not exactly an easy package. Dude, I am still hurting over this boy. He was just so rad! I had so muchhhhhhh fun. I won't get all dramatic and say that I've never felt with anyone what I felt with him, but it was really close. He was different. Really different. I'm desperately searching for words to properly articulate here, and I'm at a loss. Our personalities complimented each other very well - and I knew they would, I profiled the shit out of that dude. I was really scared, and so was he, and we were both really honest about that.

I just got SO FUCKING ANGRY that he contacted me after reading my never having a Valentine post, then didn't even do anything for Valentines day as he was just getting out of this crazy relationship. I put him on a 2 week haitus, and at the end of it - he was still just not in a good head space.

BUT! Flash forward AGAIN to just last week, I was having the most emotionally charged day ever as stuff was going on with the pilot, and I sent him this text saying, hey, I know we haven't talked in a bit ... but I'm on a bus to Santa Monica to go to the beach, and I'm totally having the worst day ever and could really use a hug. I even specified that I was a hot mess (as I was on my way to the gym, not a stich of make up, and had spent the last hour crying) ... I wasn't looking for sympathy, or a booty call, just really wanted a hug. Didn't get a text back. Didn't get a text back. Didn't get a text back. Then later, at like almost midnight, I see a tweet that he had been sleeping all day or something - and I just got FUCKING PISSED. I wasn't asking for anything, literally just said hey can we meet for coffee, neutral place, I'm kinda losing my mind just want a hug. I know that if I spent the day sleeping and I'm not an active tweeter - I wouldn't tweet before I checked my phone. I know for a fact he read my messages and didn't respond. Even worse was at like noon the next day when I did get a text back saying he was sleeping. It was such a slap in the face. Call it karma - I get it. Wow, I am totally tearing up even just thinking about this. I'm never that kinda person to like randomly text that to someone - but we had this INTENSE connection, and I didn't necessarily want to talk to my friends, I didn't want to talk to anyone other than this very person. I was just hurt, really really really fucking hurt. Again, omg, how am I totally tearing up over this. Get it together. Wait Polly's pink glasses ... they'll make it better.

Nope, that didn't work. I now just feel heartbroken with a side of absurdity. Good job, Jen!

I get asked all the time if my OKC experiment is strictly for advertising, or if I am really looking for someone. Dude, like even tonight!

This site is my heart, these experiments are just my sick and twisted perverse way of finding the most efficient way to pack the most fun into life as possible. I even bought this a few months back at goodwill for $4 to try and see if I wore a sweatshirt at a bar that said I went to med school if I would attract smarter dudes.

Yeah. Epic fail. All I did was attract dudes from upstate NY. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm from CT - but wasn't what I was looking for.

I don't know what I want from a dude. I know personality wise, they absolutely. absolutely. absolutely. have to be nerdy, have to be unapologetically awesome with a side of borderline psychotic. They need to be way more grounded than I am, without me ever having to utter the sentence, I feel like I am dating my dad - like I kept saying with one dude over and over and over after just a few dates at Christmas. It wouldn't hurt if they looked like the dude from Shameless. DUDE! HE IS FUCKING DELICIOUS!

and now I'm officially a puma since he's 20. UGH! Where did he come from? Does he have an older brother? I'm totally looking it up on Facebook.

My experiments aren't jokes. I'm a natural storyteller, so I will always find the humor in them, and the brighter side of things ... but at the same time, the fact that my heart hurts so bad right now, sucks - it sucks massive balls. Again, I have a pretty rad rebound rate ... and I will ALWAYS get back up, but it hurts man.

I will say this, I am going to make a conscious effort to delve into my own emotional availableness. (Life is reflective.) I know for a fact I'm not emotionally available. If we've ever gone out on a date, I'm sure it was more like a job interview. I dig people, I dig talking about things - but I'm phenomenally guarded with my heart. Like crazy guarded. Like 96 dates, and only 3 even came close to me even THINKING of giving it to them.

Ugh.

I just hate that I'm on the wildest ride of my life right now, and I have no one to share it with. I'm a lifecaster - sharing is my THING! But the problem is, the majority of dudes want to date the chick on the other side of the monitor so she will talk about them, versus actually dealing with the reality of the flesh and blood human being behind it. There's more than just an avatar!!!! *tear tear*

Going to send out some emails on OKC tonight to be a bit more proactive in my search. I refuse to settle, and I refuse to ever stop believing that there are a lot of someone's out there for me. Just have to do some inner work not only coding wise in SEOing the crap out of finding the kinda guy I want, but on my mother board, myself. Me. Jen. The chick typing this. I don't know much in life, but I know one thing ...

I won't ever stop believing!

#thatisall

Wanna date me? HAHAH!!! I make this all sound so attractive don't I? Uber schmexy. Uh yeah, so click here to send me a message on OKC. K... bye.