#Confession: I'm in an emotional funk-dee-dunk

oh boy oh boy oh boy. literally. oh boy. I'm kind of in a funk today. Not like funk, funk - but I am feeling personally conflicted.

So, I've talked about this a whole bunch on the site lately that I have a super crush on this boy. He's rad, we talk all the time ... which is WEIRD for me, because I don't ever want to talk to someone every day. Literally, I am totally the opposite of the chick that harasses dudes all the time. I require a shit ton of space when I'm doing anything with a dude ... with him though, I just want it. All the time. It's tragic and totally puppy dog. I'm a pitbull, not a fucking puppy. Well actually, I think I'd be more like a German Shepard. I really like German Shepards. Sweet, but pack a nice punch. I digress ...

I really like this boy, but I just feel like anyone coming out of anything with someone is a red flag. Like that's a big red flag. This dude is my friend, so above me just wanting to like be all up on it - I really want to advise him to kinda get his head together. He's a smart dude, seemingly has his shit together, from what I've been exposed to - I just feel like I'm kinda taking advantage of someone in a vulnerable state. Again, dude, they've totally been on and off for a really long time ... I get that, but love is not something you just bounce back from. The opposite, you have to let it play out and evolve naturally.

I don't know if this is a fear based response on my part by not wanting to get hurt, or me just being phenomenally logical in an otherwise relatively weird scenario. We talked about all of this yesterday, and I told him that I wasn't going anywhere - and I very literally meant that. This dude is the shit; I feel like though at the same time as me saying that it could put even more pressure on him. I want him to take his own time for him, not because he knows there is someone waiting, because that is weird and feels entirely counterproductive. Right?

I don't want to go out on more OKC dates, but I feel like I should. Dude, I couldn't kiss another guy right now ... that would just be blah, I want his lips ... no one elses, but I feel like that's not okay. Like at all. In any sort of healthy anything there needs to be balance. I wish I could balance my heart.

I am so fucking loyal it feels like a defect sometimes.

I am crazy passionate. crazy crazy crazy passionate. If I like you, I LIKKKKKEEEE you. I never find dudes that I LIKKKKKEEEEE which is why I know he's special, and there's something different going on.

A big part of me wants to tell him to go away for the next few weeks, and find his own legs to stand on. But then is that enough? It seems so arbitrary. Then at the same time, I'm already started to feel attached in a certain regard, so I really don't want to have to do that. I like our little IM sessions. I even gave him a super secret IM name - total bat line. Loves it! At what point does my responsibility as a friend to someone take over the part of me that wants to just jump his bones and make a go of it?

I really really really need to take this one slow. Super slow. Like crazy stupid slow. We're both in big time agreement on that. Above all, I just want this dude to be okay. I would never ever ever want to hurt any of my friends, or place myself in a situation where I could be hurt. I'm very protective of this little heart of mine. Afterall, a broken heart was a big part of what started this entire community, and the most epic life changing decisions ever. This sucks ass either way, because no matter what I am still not getting anything that I want out of this scenario, but at least I'll know I did the right thing. Any suggestions?

#dazedandconfused