Top 5 side effects from posting your sex life online

Dec 28

I spent 2010 traveling around the country, and 2011 exploring my sexuality. Both were hands down the coolest years of my life but for different reasons.

In the summer of 2010 when I created my account on OkCupid, we at the time had a dating coach that warned me about posting about any sexual shenanigans that occurred via the online dating site. I barked back at him saying I had to publish what actually happened in my online dating adventures (as I promised you all I would be as transparent as possible), not what made me look like the Virgin Mary.

I was definitely prepared for whatever was going to be thrown at me, but he insisted that guys didn't want to know about the adventures of the vagina, they through and through wanted to believe they were going through unchartered territory.

I gotta admit, a year and a half later - he was kinda right.

Here are the top 5 side effects I have experienced by posting my sex life online:

1. Over the Christmas holiday, my mother asked me about S&M.

"What, Jennifer - sticks and stones may break your bones, but did chains and whips really excite you?"

DIRECT QUOTE OUT OF THE MOUTH OF MY MOTHER ... I almost died. (Here is the post she was referring to)

First off though, you have to understand a bit of a back story about my family - we are all deeply perverted people. My mom's maiden name is Hoar (pronounced like whore) - and you can't help but have a sense of humor with a name like that. I vividly remember getting frustrated at 7 at people laughing at my grandparent's name so in my 7 year old frustration I screamed, what does that mean anyway?! Without skipping a beat my mom turned to me and said, a whore is Madonna sweetie.

I was left confused but at least confident I'd never ask again ... (which I didn't).

HOWEVER, being now 27 and having your mother quote not only Rihanna, but genuinely ask you that was way too much for me to handle.

And onto yet another family mortification moment ...

2. At dinner, my mom asked if the person I was dating was male or female.

Lemme just get something straight right now (no pun intended) - I am neither bi nor a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but one of my 103 dates in 9 months was female, and I found out through talking to her, and then making out - it didn't trigger the same things in me mentally. I love love love making out with chicks, I love love love playing with boobs (who DOESN'T! They are the most FANTASTIC things on this planeeeetttt!), but that's about where they stop. I'm a chickadee that enjoys a rather awesome threesome (and I have another one scheduled on Jan 6th!) but outside of that, I got nothing in the female department.

Posting about my online sexual escapades, however, mortifies my family. Like on the deepest depth of every level possible. I tell them not to read, but apparently they do - and have even quoted articles which just adds to a whole new level of therapy.

Thanks mom and dad.

3. Guys feel pressured to please me sexually.

I can have an orgasm from penetration during sex. Doesn't make me special, just makes me awesome - and in the less than 30% of women that can actually have an orgasm from penetration. By posting on this, I become some sort of mission to guys in that they ABSOLUTELY 100% cannot leave me unsatisfied during sex. It's literally the fucking funniest thing on the planet, because there I am ... just doing my thing ... and guys get really heated like, what can I do to make you cum? Did you cum? How can I help? See, here's the thing duderinos - the root of the female orgasm is in a feeling of emotional connectivity not in the mechanics of what you are doing. To make me cum, I have to like you and feel a connection with you - which one would hope that I like you if I am having sex with you - but let's also call a spade a spade, sometimes a chick is just horny.

4. I'm a magnet for status seekers.

In the last month, I have had guys utter the phrases, "what does it feel like to be worshipped?" and "how does it feel knowing that so many people want you?"

Both times I looked at them with a como say whaa?

Lifecasting to me is an art form. I don't sit there and get off on the guys that I end up rejecting, or the ones that I won't go out on a date with ... I just keep on keeping on! I am on a mission to cut out the bullshit in my own life, and psychoanalyze myself by documenting my states of consciousness on a daily basis.

This whole notion of me getting off on that feeds the male ego, not the female ego. I HELP dudes saying this is why this isn't working ... but have you tried this approach? If I got off on that I'd be a dom not a sub - for izzles. But yah, this is a side effect and makes me INCREDIBLY attractive to dudes but is an INSTANT turn off to me. Dudes, all it tells me about the guy is that he is terribly insecure if he has to find a female that has "status" - I can't date an insecure guy.

5. Men aren't really sure what to do with you.

I intimidate men - ferociously. I get told this by my guy friends on a daily basis - "I'm glad we're friends, but I would never, ever date you." Even last night at trivia, I was telling my friend about going back east for the holidays and being with my family mentioning that my brother has a girlfriend, and she goes oh wow! I'd be intimidated if you were dating my brother.

I can't win, so I don't even try with this one. I intimidate guys by being candid and honest? Wow, grow a fucking pair of balls. I can't help the way that I am. I was always a leader on school projects, and grew up not thinking but KNOWING that if I wanted to get something done I had to just do it myself.

When it comes to dating, however, this throws off the position of power. The dude has to plan the date, and the dude has to feel in control. Very very very primal, but it's true. The second that position of power is shifted guys don't know where they fit into your life and will run feeling like they have no value.

I am working on this ... but it's hard when you're a go-getter.

Also too, guys are COMPLETELY freaked out by the notion of having an online following. They are PETRIFIED that I will post on them and say something, and they will feel "exposed" and without "the final say." That, I can't help you with - but for 2012 I am making a promise to at least slow a little of my googling and allow a guy to come in and add his own value.

It's hard so so soooooooo hard, but I enjoy a good challenge. Bring it 2012!