#NerdsUnite: 9 “Red Flags” for Courtship, Social Media and Dating
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jenn! She's my partner in GirlsIRL and a super duper smarty pants. This chick is a hustler man, she was on NBC's The Apprentice and has been a high school cheerleading coach, publicist, reporter, and writer for CNN, Huffington Post - and a ton of other media outlets. Rad chickadee. I heart her long time. Anywho, here's her latest and greatest, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JENN!!!!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JennHoffman
Warning: If you see any of these posts in a guy/girl's feed: Run!
Social Media changes the way we date. It helps us eliminate possible suitors before even meeting them in person because we learn about their general attitude towards life through their status updates. SM can also help build attraction between potential mates, as it did for me and my current boyfriend Shane. He was virtually a stranger, but after two years of reading his Twitter timeline, his blog posts and watching his ridiculous videos I decided: THIS is a guy I can get down with. So I did.
YouTube video of my BF setting himself on fire. SWOON. I love this man.
My current situation might have been a social media win, but usually the opposite happens. A few months ago I met a guy at a bar through mutual friends. He was attractive, funny, friendly, intelligent, employed, owns his own home and totally is not a serial killer. Any man who has all these traits and lives in Los Angeles is already so far ahead of the game he doesn’t even need to show up in any other areas. In fact, just being attractive and employed means he is winning at life in 2011. Bar guy and I hit off in a general manner, but before setting any dates or making future plans we did what all young people do in order to maintain contact with someone without creating any kind of commitment. We became Facebook friends.
And then came the RED FLAGS.
His status updates were always negative. He posted about his life sucking or how he hated his sister. He tweeted lame pictures of himself posing with bottles of champagne at stupid clubs. He statused about his asshole neighbors, his jerkface co-workers, his awful friends and his stupid ex-girlfriend is an “ugly whore with herpes.” Then I looked further back in his timeline and found photos of him wearing Ed Hardy hats and Affliction t-shirts. ED HARDY and AFFLICTION. He was a mess.
Through this and other online flirtations I learned there are many common social media red flags that might seem subtle, but should make you RUN, not walk away from a potential IRL date:
1. Humble Brag Guy/Gal
These are people who really want you to think they are AWESOME. They want you to know their life is better than yours because they think this makes them more desirable. Humble Brag people are self-aware enough to know that boasting is rude, so they follow each boast with a bit of false humility. Passive/aggressive humblebrag-ishness goes something like this:
“I hate that my new 2012 Range Rover Deluxe Edition isn’t big enough to fit just one more care package to take over to the orphanage.”
“Somebody just stopped me in Whole Foods just to tell me I’m beautiful. I felt like such a dork.”
Or simply
“So blessed to have the best life, best job, best friends, best house, best everything ever. God is good.”
We get it. Your life is amazing. Now grow up.
2. The Infirmed
There’s always that one person in your timeline who constantly posts about their never ending slew of ailments. They’re always in some stage of falling ill. I’m not talking about friends with cancer or status updates from your 198 year-old aunt Helen. Aunt Helen can bitch about her gout if she needs to. I’m talking about perfectly healthy 25-year-olds who are always writing stuff like:
“Oh no, not another fever. Just got over mono, strep and syphilis.”
“I feel like shit…AGAIN. Why do I always get sick before the holidays/birthdays/everyfuckingday”
“First cramps, now explosive diarrhea??!! WTF? FML!”
Which brings me to…
3. FML Guy/Gal
If you are living in America, own a computer and have time to update your status, your life can’t be THAT bad. (see DARFUR). The occasional drama or #guyproblems is understandable, but FML people are always miserable. They have perpetual negative attitudes and actually think their lives suck more everyone else. Can you imagine how awful they must be in real life? If you date a FML person it will become a FOL situation. Fast.
“Stuck in traffic. FML.”
“I hate my job. FML.”
“I want Pinkberry. FML.”
@insertyourname is late for dinner. FML.
@insertyourname never makes me happy. What a bad boy/girlfriend. FML.
@yourname can’t make me happy because I secretly hate myself. Now #FuckOURlives. #FOL.
4. Party Time USA Guy/Gal
I’m not one to judge, but maaaaaaaaybe a grown adult shouldn’t be posting pictures of them self doing rails of blow off a dead hooker, while holding a beer bong in one hand and a big pink dildo in the other. I’m not saying don’t DO these things. I’m just suggesting that maybe you shouldn’t live tweet that action if you’re serious about trying to get a date.
Actually fuck it. Someone should just invent an anti-drunk-dialing breathalyzer App for phones that automatically disables your ability to call, text, tweet or Facebook if you blow over a .08. It’s not your fault. If you didn’t have access to your phone while drinking and mainlining Adderall in an opium den you would never have posted those pictures.
Oops – that is a picture of me from Facebook. Guilty of red flag #4.
5. Post Break-Up “Trying Too Hard” Tweets (aka Tweeting Too Hard, or Hard-Status-ing)
After a break-up you KNOW your ex is stalking your social media feeds. It doesn’t matter if you de-friend and block each other because your ex will always find a way to sneak a peek, and you know it. So you use your feed as a weapon. You create status updates just to make your new single life look WAY better than it actually is in order to make your ex lover jealous. Then you get sad that you tried to hurt them and write weird cryptic lovey-dovey shit that you hope makes up for all your public sluttery.
“Me and my wolf pack are poppin’ bottles at (insert club name) and all the ladies here are looking hot tonight” #getlaid!
“OMG the guys at (insert bar name) are sooooooo nice. They bought all me and all my girls shots!! #girlsnightout”
“I can’t even tell you all what I’m about to do tonight. #gangbang”
“Sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. I miss my cookieface bunny rabbit. Come back. #suicide”
6. The Casual Death, Doom and Destruction Updater
Some people status update about really painful, awful, private, next-level shit as if they are casually updating about what they ate for lunch. I do not want to date or be friends with these people.
“Looks like I’m getting a divorce” (Posted Monday 1:29 PM)
“Sometimes I wish a tsunami would wash all the pain away. #life” (Posted Tuesday 4:45 AM)
“I miss you grandpa. RIP.” (Posted Wednesday 3:09 PM)
“My CUNT WHORE wife just left me, so I’m going to burn down our house and then kill myself by cutting my own throat with a serrated knife!!!!” (Posted Friday 6:00 PM)
“Sup dogs!!??? What’s everyone doing tonight???” (Posted 9:45 PM)
7. Mr Sexual Innuendo/Miss Tease
Him: “I have a humongous boner. Any hot sexy ladies on Twitter want to Skype or meet up IRL?”
Her: “You can almost see my nipples in that last picture I just posted. Cum check out my webcam. Hee-hee!”
No. NO! Ew.
8. Good Old-Fashioned Stalkers and Psychos
@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 10:04 AM)
@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 11:56 AM)
@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 1 PM)
@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 4:00 PM)
@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 4:01 PM)
@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 5:00 PM)
@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 7:45 PM)
@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 10:00 PM)
@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 12:07 AM)
@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 3:45 AM)
@exgirlfriend: “You’re a cunt” (posted at 4:36 AM)
“My @exgirlfriend is fucking CRAZY” (posted at 4:37 AM)
9. The Catfish
You have no idea who this person is, but their profile picture is HOT so you accept their friendship. They direct message you about common interests and make witty remarks about things you post. Over time you build a rapport and start a flirtation. Things heat up and they start sending you sexy pictures. This person is totally the greatest! You can’t believe you met them on the internet.
Then things get weird. The messages become erratic. They demand all your time and plan your future together even though you NEVER EVEN MET THEM in person. The texts become desperate and facts don’t add up. You realize the pictures they sent you are not even of them! They’re actually stock photography from ArtsyModelPicturesAvailibleOntheInternet.com. You try to block or ignore this person and they become aggressive. They accuse you of being player, a psycho or a fake because you won’t return their message, even though THEY are the one who pretended to be a 25 year old underwear model when they are really in fact a 44 year old recluse who makes up fake identities in order to stalk people in the internet. They start friend requesting your family members and messaging your co-workers and friends. They write weird poems about you and post it on their blog. Eventually they give up. Or they show up at your house, murder you and your whole family and then boil your bunny.
What she posts ...
What she actually looks like ...
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a potential lover is batshit, so thank God we have the internet. Just remember – sometimes YOU are the one who is one crazy status away from getting laid. Next time you want to post a nasty tweet to your ex or write a poem about how much you hate your life on your blog, beware! You are flying your own Red Freak Flag for all to see.
Anyone have any more red flags?
#nerdsunite
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