Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (Looking for my lifeguard)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @casetines
Expectations are a major part of life. The way that we expect something to be is going to make us either: disappointed, satisfied, or elated, depending on how that “one thing” actually turns out to be in comparison to what we thought it would be.
Many of my life expectations came from movies and television, which sounds ridiculous in retrospect, but it’s something I’m learning to overcome.
For instance, we know that zombies don’t exist in real life, but we know that if they did, they’d have a taste for human flesh and to take them out you have to hit ‘em in the brain.
We know that we’ve never made contact with aliens, but if we did, they’d have really big heads, really big eyes, and may be interested in what’s inside the human butt.
I’ve never been on a ride-along with a police officer, but if I did, I’d assume that one of the cops was a day before retirement and would get killed by German henchman and I’d have to go on a revenge spree with his partner.
All of these are examples of what Hollywood has decided to tell us about certain careers, life-forms, or what we’d do in a situation that will never arise or isn’t even real. We take it at face value and we never question it.
But what about love? What about relationships?
Hollywood tells us hundreds of times a year what relationships are like, and because there’s very little for a young person to question because they’ve never been in a serious relationship or they’ve never been in love, we believe it. We believe in soul-mates, or in love at first sight, or in quirky coincidence that will bring the perfect person right into your lap.
Also, at some point the boy is going to do something to piss off the girl and then he has to win her back in the third act. This is a must.
I remember the first time I saw love at first sight, and my mom was there. No, wait, come back… not like that.
We went to go see The Sandlot. I was 10 years old, and so it was like the movie was made for me. At least, it felt like that.
In most movies, it’s the central character that has the love interest, but not in Sandlot. Smalls, the main character, is motivated by the desire to please and gain the respect of his stepfather. However, the character that I related to was Squints.
You see, Michael “Squints” Palledorous was in love. Every summer they would go to the local pool and when they get there you know something is up with Squints; Wendy Peffercorn. Squints is so in love with Wendy, the lifeguard, that you can immediately see it in his eyes and on his face that he’s paralyzed by this crush. I so felt for Squints in that moment, I knew what he was going through.
He was going to love this girl FOR-E-VER.
Most people might have watched that movie and spent the whole time wishing that they’d get the ball back. I spent that movie wishing that Squints, beyond all odds (much older, beautiful, doesn’t know Squints exists,) that Squints would get the girl.
I knew what he was going through and I went through the same thing for a very long time. You see, I’m not a player but I crush a lot. Big Pun might have had a different meaning of “crush a lot” but I just mean that throughout my school years, I had a crapload of Squints-level crushes: Kelly, Justine, Christina, Sara, Claire, Brynya, Liz, Joanna, Jessica, Sarah, Katie, Kim, Cathleen, Nichole, and honestly a bunch that I’m forgetting. A few of those floored me, a few were fleeting moments, a few were superficial, but they were all a crush.
I can remember the first present I ever gave a girl was a cassette tape of the single, “All for Love” from The Three Musketeers soundtrack. I can remember a couple of years later giving a girl a tape of “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal. Leave it to me to go immediately to movie soundtracks for romance.
I gave Valentines, cards, mix tapes, flowers, candies, notes, whatever. In many ways I was like Manny on Modern Family, but in many other ways I was not. Manny is a young kid, a total romantic, an underdog, and he has the confidence of the Old Spice guy. The part I lacked was that confidence, for none of these crushes ever became anything more than a crush. None of them even became a kiss by a rose on a grave or even a wish on a hose in a cave.
Why? Because I wasn’t looking for the right things; I was looking for my lifeguard.
I was looking for the most beautiful and desired girl I could find, and then living in the belief that I would overcome all odds to get the girl. That’s where I have to ask my younger self, “Are those really proper expectations?”
Can you really believe that you’ll fall in love at first sight, fake your own drowning, trick her into giving you mouth-to-mouth, and then at that moment French kiss her and then she’ll fall for you? Trust me, I’ve tried that exact method dozens of times and it has always failed. Another reason to get out of that “movie romance” mentality.
All of this brings me to one of the best first dates I’ve ever had, and it came from OkCupid, and it just happened last Wednesday.
It’s quite rare for me to be the receiver of an OkCupid message relative to the amount of times I am the sender. This is the norm, and I’m okay with it. But several weeks ago I received a message from a girl that was short and sweet and to the point.
“Hello, you seem pretty cool, let’s be friends.”
From a guy’s perspective, that’s all you really need to say to at least get me to check out your profile. For a girl, you have to weed through all the messages to find ones that stand out. For me, you sent me a message? Okay, you stand out.
I checked out her profile. She was cute, funny, and we shared some things in common. Rad. And best of all, she started this whole communication so I was already ahead of the game.
We messaged back and forth a few times and she gave me her number and after a little bit of waiting we had finally set up a date.
It was at a divey Irish pub near my place, and that sat well with both of us. She warned me that she was chronically late for things, and for a first date that doesn’t really bother me as long as you warn me.
Sure enough she was late, but I’m content with entertaining myself for a while, as long as you don’t stand me up.
She arrived and we drank and talked and it was one of those times where you feel like you’re not just meeting someone for the first time and time is absolutely flying by. I’m always wary of “Okay, is this going to be one beer and then ‘Well, I have done what I said I’d do and had one drink, Goodbye!’” but neither of us wanted the date to end. It was effortless.
I told her about my writing, including that I just started contributing at this site, where the blog’s creator had gone on 103 dates in 9 months. She thought that was really cool and admitted that she was doing something similar. Not for any kind of experiment but because she was looking to get back into comedy and she needed new material.
Any sort of pressure I was feeling sort of slipped away at that moment because I was like “Oh, okay, this isn’t totally serious, let’s just have a good time.” She also said that she never tells any of her dates that but she told me because she was actually excited for this date unlike most of the other ones she had been on.
She was giving me all of these positive signs which gave me something I am not accustomed to: Shitloads of confidence.
I am 100 times more confident as a person than I was a few years ago, but it has not always been that way and I still get nervous on first dates with the “Am I doing okay?” monologue in my head. But she let it be known pretty clear that she was into me, and I too was into her.
I mean, she was a comedian and a scientist. Let me repeat that: comedian and scientist. These people exist? And she’s beautiful on top of that? And she’s into me?
Imagine if you were having the perfect date with Bill Nye the Science Guy and you were really attracted to Bill Nye. That’s what was going on here.
We had an awesome night together and I knew that this first date had been unlike any other since my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. This wasn’t going to be a one-time thing, this was potentially going to be more.
Was this my lifeguard?
Sure enough we saw each other two days later and had another very good night together. But admittedly, it wasn’t quite the same as the first night. Whatever “chemistry” is supposed to be, it clicked really hard on the first night. It seemed like it was more forced the second night.
We still laughed. We still agreed. We still spent a lot of time together that night. But when she left to go home, I knew something was off. Something was different. If this was my “lifeguard” then I had to adjust my expectations of what that image was supposed to be.
The communication slowed down dramatically after that. I don’t know what the future holds between us, if anything. It’s not up to me to decide, but does “Wendy Peffercorn” exist?
I can’t say for sure whether or not movie romance is indeed out there. I’m sure for some people, it absolutely does. This couple got married last month after he first proposed to her in the first grade. Crazy romantic things do happen.
I want to believe that I’ll find my lifeguard, but I think we all have to realize that a relationship isn’t a square peg going into a square hole. It’s more like clay, and you have to mold it and adjust it and make it work together because it most likely won’t just fit in there so snuggly on its own.
I want to believe that I’ll see the Bill Nye girl again and that things will go as amazingly as they did on the first night, but it’s important for me to remember that romanticizing relationships after two dates is a terrible and risky thing to do.
That’s why I’ve suppressed my desire or belief that Wendy Peffercorn will fall into my lap. I’m not ashamed to say that I’d be happy to just meet someone, even in the “forced design” of online dating, that’s cool to hang out with.
I haven’t given up on the lifeguard, just like I haven’t given up on one day defeating 12 terrorists during a hostage crisis with my own two hands, but I’ve adjusted expectations in a way that will make me happier in the long run.
That doesn’t mean I won’t send the Bill Nye girl a cassette tape of “I Would Do Anything for Love” by Meatloaf or that I won’t say “I’m just a boy, standing in front of a scientist comedian, and asking her to build a robot with me,” but I won’t get heartbroken either if it doesn’t work out.
You’ve got to set your expectations to something realistic, so that if your lifeguard or love at first sight ever does come along… it will be that much more amazing.
He was going to love this girl FOR-E-VER.
Most people might have watched that movie and spent the whole time wishing that they’d get the ball back. I spent that movie wishing that Squints, beyond all odds (much older, beautiful, doesn’t know Squints exists,) that Squints would get the girl.
I knew what he was going through and I went through the same thing for a very long time. You see, I’m not a player but I crush a lot. Big Pun might have had a different meaning of “crush a lot” but I just mean that throughout my school years, I had a crapload of Squints-level crushes: Kelly, Justine, Christina, Sara, Claire, Brynya, Liz, Joanna, Jessica, Sarah, Katie, Kim, Cathleen, Nichole, and honestly a bunch that I’m forgetting. A few of those floored me, a few were fleeting moments, a few were superficial, but they were all a crush.
I can remember the first present I ever gave a girl was a cassette tape of the single, “All for Love” from The Three Musketeers soundtrack. I can remember a couple of years later giving a girl a tape of “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal. Leave it to me to go immediately to movie soundtracks for romance.
I gave Valentines, cards, mix tapes, flowers, candies, notes, whatever. In many ways I was like Manny on Modern Family, but in many other ways I was not. Manny is a young kid, a total romantic, an underdog, and he has the confidence of the Old Spice guy. The part I lacked was that confidence, for none of these crushes ever became anything more than a crush. None of them even became a kiss by a rose on a grave or even a wish on a hose in a cave.
Why? Because I wasn’t looking for the right things; I was looking for my lifeguard.
I was looking for the most beautiful and desired girl I could find, and then living in the belief that I would overcome all odds to get the girl. That’s where I have to ask my younger self, “Are those really proper expectations?”
Can you really believe that you’ll fall in love at first sight, fake your own drowning, trick her into giving you mouth-to-mouth, and then at that moment French kiss her and then she’ll fall for you? Trust me, I’ve tried that exact method dozens of times and it has always failed. Another reason to get out of that “movie romance” mentality.
All of this brings me to one of the best first dates I’ve ever had, and it came from OkCupid, and it just happened last Wednesday.
It’s quite rare for me to be the receiver of an OkCupid message relative to the amount of times I am the sender. This is the norm, and I’m okay with it. But several weeks ago I received a message from a girl that was short and sweet and to the point.
“Hello, you seem pretty cool, let’s be friends.”
From a guy’s perspective, that’s all you really need to say to at least get me to check out your profile. For a girl, you have to weed through all the messages to find ones that stand out. For me, you sent me a message? Okay, you stand out.
I checked out her profile. She was cute, funny, and we shared some things in common. Rad. And best of all, she started this whole communication so I was already ahead of the game.
We messaged back and forth a few times and she gave me her number and after a little bit of waiting we had finally set up a date.
It was at a divey Irish pub near my place, and that sat well with both of us. She warned me that she was chronically late for things, and for a first date that doesn’t really bother me as long as you warn me.
Sure enough she was late, but I’m content with entertaining myself for a while, as long as you don’t stand me up.
She arrived and we drank and talked and it was one of those times where you feel like you’re not just meeting someone for the first time and time is absolutely flying by. I’m always wary of “Okay, is this going to be one beer and then ‘Well, I have done what I said I’d do and had one drink, Goodbye!’” but neither of us wanted the date to end. It was effortless.
I told her about my writing, including that I just started contributing at this site, where the blog’s creator had gone on 103 dates in 9 months. She thought that was really cool and admitted that she was doing something similar. Not for any kind of experiment but because she was looking to get back into comedy and she needed new material.
Any sort of pressure I was feeling sort of slipped away at that moment because I was like “Oh, okay, this isn’t totally serious, let’s just have a good time.” She also said that she never tells any of her dates that but she told me because she was actually excited for this date unlike most of the other ones she had been on.
She was giving me all of these positive signs which gave me something I am not accustomed to: Shitloads of confidence.
I am 100 times more confident as a person than I was a few years ago, but it has not always been that way and I still get nervous on first dates with the “Am I doing okay?” monologue in my head. But she let it be known pretty clear that she was into me, and I too was into her.
I mean, she was a comedian and a scientist. Let me repeat that: comedian and scientist. These people exist? And she’s beautiful on top of that? And she’s into me?
Imagine if you were having the perfect date with Bill Nye the Science Guy and you were really attracted to Bill Nye. That’s what was going on here.
We had an awesome night together and I knew that this first date had been unlike any other since my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. This wasn’t going to be a one-time thing, this was potentially going to be more.
Was this my lifeguard?
Sure enough we saw each other two days later and had another very good night together. But admittedly, it wasn’t quite the same as the first night. Whatever “chemistry” is supposed to be, it clicked really hard on the first night. It seemed like it was more forced the second night.
We still laughed. We still agreed. We still spent a lot of time together that night. But when she left to go home, I knew something was off. Something was different. If this was my “lifeguard” then I had to adjust my expectations of what that image was supposed to be.
The communication slowed down dramatically after that. I don’t know what the future holds between us, if anything. It’s not up to me to decide, but does “Wendy Peffercorn” exist?
I can’t say for sure whether or not movie romance is indeed out there. I’m sure for some people, it absolutely does. This couple got married last month after he first proposed to her in the first grade. Crazy romantic things do happen.
I want to believe that I’ll find my lifeguard, but I think we all have to realize that a relationship isn’t a square peg going into a square hole. It’s more like clay, and you have to mold it and adjust it and make it work together because it most likely won’t just fit in there so snuggly on its own.
I want to believe that I’ll see the Bill Nye girl again and that things will go as amazingly as they did on the first night, but it’s important for me to remember that romanticizing relationships after two dates is a terrible and risky thing to do.
That’s why I’ve suppressed my desire or belief that Wendy Peffercorn will fall into my lap. I’m not ashamed to say that I’d be happy to just meet someone, even in the “forced design” of online dating, that’s cool to hang out with.
I haven’t given up on the lifeguard, just like I haven’t given up on one day defeating 12 terrorists during a hostage crisis with my own two hands, but I’ve adjusted expectations in a way that will make me happier in the long run.
That doesn’t mean I won’t send the Bill Nye girl a cassette tape of “I Would Do Anything for Love” by Meatloaf or that I won’t say “I’m just a boy, standing in front of a scientist comedian, and asking her to build a robot with me,” but I won’t get heartbroken either if it doesn’t work out.
You’ve got to set your expectations to something realistic, so that if your lifeguard or love at first sight ever does come along… it will be that much more amazing.
#thatisall
Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!