#FML: Come on single life, you do get better don't you?

Nov 29

Face meet palmI'm totes never ever EVVEERRRRR a complainer - but last night, I have to admit I was disappointed. Dudes, the WORST part about it is that it wasn't even the dude, but merely my reaction based upon past history etc.

Here lemme break it down for you before I get ahead of myself.

So over the summer I met this really rad dude. He's a SUPER hippie, but also a STRAIGHT hustler, and pretty much the happiest clam on the planet. He works hard, play harder - etc. Super inspired by the guy and by all of the people he's involved with. They are very literally some of the brightest minds I have ever met - I'm not even kidding you when I say that.

That being said, he asked me to hang out in September, and I was game. I wasn't sure if it was business or personal - the dude is fucking gorgeous, so I was HOPING it was personal, but the lines are so blurred with lifecasting anyway I just sort of go with it.

He and I hung out and had VERY LITERALLY the most epic (what turned out to be) first date ever. We had so much fun, and everything flowed so organically it kinda blew my mind.

I won't go into the deets as again, I am learning that intimate relationships are the key to things - but he very literally gave me the best first date ever. Period end of sentence.

Then we went a couple more weeks, went out again - another epic date.

Then, I went out of town, so did he - we got back together after another couple weeks - another epic date.

It's great because I am so freakishly busy and all over the place that this dude gets it because HE is freakishly busy and all over the place. Super successful guy, part of a super successful group - he just gets life. Like period end of sentence.

Hung out again a couple weeks back, had a fourth date, AGAIN ah-mazing. And for the first time, not only did I hit a personal record (I've never gone out with someone 4 times since my first real relationship when I was 22 - 4 years, man!!!) but I genuinely felt a connection with someone.

He's the only guy I've slept with since I gave up casual sex (hence why I keep referencing it as casual sex and not mentioning that I've given up sex in general) and for the first time in a VERY long time, I felt freakishly exposed and vulnerable.

For the last ... two weeks ... I shit you not, I can't stop thinking about this guy. Like at all. I'm still dating, I'm still meeting people and putting myself out there - still having 8th grade make out sessions here and there ... but all I can think about is this dude - and it fucking FREAKED me out. I'm NEVERRRRRRRRR in that headspace of wondering if a guy is going to call or text; I make fun of those girls.

So, rather than run from guys like I normally do - I walked towards my place of uncomfort and asked him if I could see him before I take off for Seattle tomorrow. (I'm going to Seattle and then Tampa, so I'm gone for 11 days, then back for a minute and then leave for DC.) He said he was traveling, but when he got back we could meet up. I then bravely even texted how excited I was to see him. OMMMMMGGGGGG STOP BEING THAT GIRL JEN FRIEL!!!

He then gets back this weekend - and we agree to meet up sometime Monday.

I stayed home all holiday weekend resting (especially after my session with the shaman), and I'm so fucking lame for admitting this - but I SHIT YOU NOT I couldn't stop thinking about this guy and I was so genuinely genuinely genuinely just excited to see him.

I then texted him that I was excited to see his face, and he said he would call me sometime Monday.

Cool beans - oh, and he and I btw don't really talk that often. Honestly too, again, it goes back to us both genuinely being really fucking busy, but it's rad that every time I text him, he returns the conversation with a phone call. He's SUPER proper. Everytime he's asked me out he has called me. The attention at first caught me a bit off guard - dudes, he called me on Tuesday to schedule our second date for Friday. AHHHMAZING!

So yeah - he's big on that shit, and for the first time I actually really liked it.

Yesterday comes, he calls, and then tells me that he's super swamped with work but is going to call me at 9 to see if we could at least meet up or something for a bit (again, I'm going out of town again - and am basically going to be traveling for the ENTIRE month of December). I knew at that point it was less than a 50/50 shot of seeing him - but I'm a painfully optimistic person, so I remained hopeful.

9pm comes around ... no call ... no text.

I was sitting in the living room with @itsmejoolie listening to her boy problems while expressing my own hesitation that my evening was not going to come to fruition as hoped.

By 10 I put on my big girl pants and dropped him a text.

And when I say 10, I mean literally 10:01 because I was sitting next to a fucking clock.

Now, I get the whole work thing. My LIFFEEE is work. I hustle morning. noon. and fucking night. No one hands me anything - I work REALLY hard to go out and get it ... so I GENUINELY get him needing to work. Like GENUINELY GENUINELY GENUINELY get that!! It's actually the thing that attracted me the most to him - he's so busy I don't have to feel guilty about not giving someone my full attention.

It's hard in the beginning stages of dating someone because people expect a call, or a text every once in a while - along with a date once a week. I would personally vomit at that scenario. I don't want to see you every week - every other week is kosher with me, but even then I don't want a time stamped on things, nor do I want to have to call and "check in." I want to do my own thing, you to do your own thing and for us to then get together and report back what we've done being inspired on each other's progress. I can't STTAANNNDDDDD small talk with ANYONE! And ESPECIALLY not with guys!!!! Go, work really hard - that will speak volumes and is an INSTANT panty dropper.

So, here I am with this guy - presented with my IDEAL scenario, and one "I can't make it" felt crazy devastating to me. Albeit too, I was in a vulnerable place emotionally because I'm genuinely starting to like this guy and dating a gajillion people is one thing but allowing yourself to be caught is another.

(I can't express how EXTREMELY DIFFICULT it is to find someone that LOVES what they do for a living. It is the biggest turn off for me dating hearing someone say, well this is what I'm doing now ... but ONE DAY. I am living my one day. My one day is today - a guy has to be on that same level to understand.)

Again, it's rad too because we've been going PAINFULLY slow - 4 dates in 2 months is like my dream. But then why is it when I was faced with it did I feel so sad? Normally I brush work shit off and bounce right back. I TOTALLY understand when things come up work wise - but now going another month seeing someone I have a crush on is like my idea of a worst nightmare, and is now going to be my reality.

This sucks, man. Dating sucks. And it's not even his fault, AT ALL - but I couldn't help last night and be a girl and feel crazy sad that my night didn't end as I had hoped it to.

DUDES!!! I CLEEAANNNEEEEDDDDD my room like a mofo, ANNNDDD added fancy scent stuff to my sheets. (I never ever ever notice that btw, but apparently the rest of the world does - so I was going with it.)

I guess I'll just see him sometime over the next month - which sucks, but again is my reality. Big girl pants are on, but mannnn I get why in Buddhism they preach living life with no expectations. Had I not expected to see him, it would have been no biggie - but I was practically counting down the mother effing hours and was then met with disappointment.

How can I let go of this hurt from the past while allowing myself to be present and be vulnerable at the same time? You HAAAVVEEE to allow yourself to be vulnerable when it comes to dating. LIKE PERIOD END OF SENTENCE!!! But I'm such a guarded person how can I learn to just be present and not let stupid life disappointments get in the way when I've put my walls down. Is this possible? Or is this yet another lesson I need to explore in life?

Thank god for dildos. I really needed it last night.