#Fact: To conquer your fears, you need to be open
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger
What does it mean to you to be open?
How would you explain it to someone who didn’t understand? Just how open are you? Can you speak about your insecurities without twitching? Can you speak about where you have grown up or how you where raised without fear that people will judge you? It can be a hard thing to do. How solid is your foundation that supports who you really are?
We spend so much of our time trying to hide everything we don’t like about ourselves from friends, strangers–hell, even ourselves–that we rob ourselves of our lives one day at a time. Personally, when I was able to give all that up to just live and be who I really felt I was, it changed the way I looked at the world forever.
The first level of being open is in the attraction phase. When we learn to not be approval seeking, we learn to stop paying attention to how others view us because it has no relevance to us succeeding socially. If we are waiting around all night for someone to make us comfortable to dance we will be waiting along time. Remember the old saying, “Hope is not a strategy”.
I’ve seen it a 100 times… someone says to me: “I don’t care what anyone here thinks,” they say while standing locked up against the wall in terror refusing to talk to a 100-pound girl. Imagine that fear being lifted from you to do what you need to do there to have a good time and enjoy yourself. It is a power to be able to walk across the floor, grab a drink, walk over to the hottest girl there and have a dance. Whether it works or not, the power to do that unhindered is fantastic.
The second level is now more of a rapport freedom. It’s one thing to be able to move through that room confidently and put your balls on the table without flinching, but it’s another to go into a conversation about how you feel without feeling vulnerable. Speaking clearly and openly on your feelings is hard, especially for men who have been conditioned for years that speaking this way makes one a weak man. So we begin to train ourselves to build walls. How are women going to connect with us if we cannot show we understand how they can feel?
We as men understand if we are going to open our self up we will vulnerable to attack. We also have to understand that the attacker is likely to be someone who is more scared or feels threatened by us being near and so open. If a six-year-old calls you an asshole, will you fire back with your own insults? Of course not, Why would you? We have to look at our attacker in the same way. I understand that he is scared, feels insecure and is looking for acceptance. Now how can I take an attack personally?
And yet guys continually refuse to open up in a way that lets women feel comfortable with them. Then, they wonder why these women never answer the phone. It’s time to man up and quit being wussbags about being vulnerable. When you are able to let go of all the bullshit you’ve been trying to keep under wraps, you will be able to generate strong connections that will last a lifetime.
Now this does not mean to start dumping your issues out all over the place when meeting people! That will scare the hell out of anybody. Just be able to give a descriptive take on how you feel about whatever comes up in the conversation. When she mentions, “what a beautiful day it was,” feel free to let her know what it meant to you.
As men we are so shut off from our feelings we can’t even feel them till they overwhelm us. Then it is too late. Spend some time this month tasting our food… Notice the trees and flowers… Really listen to that song, what is it about? What does it sound like? Give life the opportunity to exist in your world.
#nerdsunite
Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert. He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show. If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com