#JustSayin: The Anonymous Adventures of James A. Turnkey
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy James. We started talking in the social space not too long ago, and he asked if he could write for us. I was all, dude! so rad! Whatcha wanna talk about? Dating! He said! But is it cool if I'm anonymous? I was all ... surrrreeeee thing with me! So, now, here's another dude's side of things in this new dating world we are now emerged in. I only have one thing left to say ... HIT JAMES!!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's James A. Turnkey
I have changed the names (including my own) of those involved in this and all of the stories to follow. The reason behind it is that if I am to be fully honest with the actual information and the lessons learned, I will do so without threatening anyone’s reputation or perhaps placing additional emotional harm done by these words. Since I write to you and reveal to you all the most private and deepest emotions that have been relayed between lovers while I still breathe, it could harness a restraint. To show my confidential and most genuine thoughts will allow you to benefit greatly and learn the lessons I have had to learn the hard way. There can be no other way to divulge these words without remaining truly within the shadows.
Mark Twain wrote in his autobiography, "I speak from the grave rather than with my living tongue for a good reason: I can speak thence freely… The frankest and freest and privatest product of the human mind and heart is a love letter..."
In my short life to this point, I have taken the paths less traveled. I have decided to jump right into many situations only to learn that thinking twice would have been a better option. Even though I might not have succeeded in many past trails, I cannot say that I have been unsuccessful. Instead of holding regrets and the pains placed upon me in the past I have embraced the brighter side to all things including love and the opposite sex. Every tear, heartbreak, anger, smirks of charm, embrace of joy, game played, and rabbit holes have all been to understand more of who I am and what I want out of my future significant other. From childhood puppy love to meaningless, mind blowing sex, so many girls, young women, and matured ladies have all been within my grasp. They might have slipped through my finger tips at one point in time but each one that I held physically close and emotionally at a distance has left a mark or two.
Men usually count their captured conquests. Even though I have calculated the number of women that I have been with, I would hate to place it out there as nothing more than a number. As just an item that has been conquered or sacked. A statistic to prove my testosterone filled ego. Each one of those females was more than just a tally on a scoreboard. All of them are individuals with their own baggage, own scars, own stories, own joys, own quirks, and own number system. With the handful of love and passion that has been shared in the past there is only one that has left the largest mark upon me. With all of the females I have had, there is only one who has had me. The only woman, besides my mother and sister whom I have truly loved, was Carmen.
The love/hate relationship that was the quarrel of Carmen and I, could be compared to so many other stories of young love: ready to give each other the world but not ready to understand that first, we had to love ourselves. This blog was shown to me by a dear friend of mine who suggested I take a look during the months that I like to describe as “The Thoughtless Fog”. I began reading as much as I could and found comfort in the words written of past relationships. As I tried to recognize lies and misplaced trust in my daily life, I realized that Jen had a very familiar history of interactions with the opposite sex. That a lot of the emotions and thoughts and actions she was feeling were quite similar to who I once was; the person that I lost somewhere in that “fog”. To better understand the consequences of my relationship with Carmen, you have to better understand how I once treated, played, and acted toward women. In order to fathom the immense personal character development I have taken over the last two years, to comprehend why the mark has been left, you have to hear what it was like for a stubborn, brilliant-underachiever, punk-ass like myself to drop my defenses and for once in my life open up completely knowing that there was nothing more than heartbreak destined for me.
This blog has been mainly focused on the female side of dating/sex/relationship in a modern world but what I hope to do is provide the same views from the opposite sex. What it is like for a man in today’s world to take part in the most primitive act in human history: the art of seduction. The thoughts that pass through our minds as we prepare for the battle ahead of us, the actions and instincts that kick in when there are metaphoric bullets flying our way, and the reliefs that flow through our veins the moment we realized we survived to live another day. It’s hard to express what goes through the minds of men because at moment we could be searching a chance to find a deep connection emotionally than the next be looking for a physical connection that will satisfy our cravings for a night.
Coming from a generation of men raised by women, I was brought up being told that if I wasn’t the perfect gentleman, the prince charming, I would be worthless. Only to discover that girls only want the bad boys. By the time girls grow into women who want a gentleman. All that is left is the disenfranchised men who have learned that you won’t get anywhere with girls by holding the door open for them; the only thing you can get is a free glance at their gorgeous attributes.
That, of course, is a broad and vast stereotype: nothing more than just a stab at the dating scene as a whole. Each interaction, each individual, and each situation is different based on multiple variables. The variables mainly depend on the two souls that are trying to find a connection, a spark, a flare of excitement. Deep down we all know that we are looking for a companion, a soul mate, a partner-in-crime. Perhaps what stops so many of us from finding it is fear. I know this is the reason why Carmen, my partner-in-crime and self proclaimed soul mate, let our relationship fall apart. No longer am I willing to try to build a bridge to someone who is waiting on the other side with gasoline and a torch. Her fear torched and consumed everything we had worked for. Now I am on the search to try and find someone who will instead grab tools and help me build not only a bridge, but a foundation for a life together. To be happy and to build a future I do not need someone else; that is not an essential aspect to the equation of my life. I can find joy and peace of mind without a partner, but what is the point in gaining the whole world if I don’t have anyone to share it with?