#HowTo: Not get yourself killed while riding a bike in Los Angeles

Nov 18

This morning on my way into the office I had THE MOST EPIC WIPEOUT on my bike. First I'm going to tell you all the story of how it happened, and then break down the next doable actions on how to not fuck your shit up and end up as road kill.

For reals man, being road kill was SOOOOO 2010.

Ugh! So not cute anymore.

K, so this morning I was riding my bike in Hollywood running some errands before heading over to the office in downtown. Not a problem, been riding my bike for over a month now. I was going down this hill, on the sidewalk about to turn onto Santa Monica, and there was this duderino with three cocker spaniels taking up LITERALLY the entire corner with all of the leashes and mutts.

Coolio in schoolio, I thought - I popped down the little drive way ramp and onto the road and RIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTTT as I hit the road my front tire fell into this SUPER DEEP ditch (LA roads are HORRENDOUS), and before I knew it my back tire was also in the ditch and my entire bike tilted to the right as my body went to the left.

I'm actually pretty kosher about falling, I stay ALARMINGLY calm in gnarly situations - so even though there wasn't anything I could do in that moment, I kept super calm and didn't tense up as I fell ass sprawling on Santa Monica blvd.

No - like literally ... ASS. SPRAWLING. IN THE MIDDLE OF MORNING RUSH HOUR!!

I was kinda laughing at myself as I laid there for a moment wondering if anyone was going to twitpic this moment. Kinda made me think that I want to at all times have a hoodie on with my twitter handle so peeps can just tag me when I have an epic fail.

Wait, tangent - quit it big marketing brain - pick yo ass up, I thought.

My basket fell, along with all of the supplies in it (my droid which was hooked up to my beats by dre headphones) but fortunately the actual bike was okay, and I managed at first glance to not break a bone. (Not an easy feat considering I also had my backpack on my back with my macbook pro, ipad, and all chargers. Those were also fine, btw.)

As I am gathering all of my things, I look up and hear someone talking to me.

"You kids and those iPhones. You can't ride a bike with headphones on. You should take that off!"

I look up and see the cocker spaniel duderino talking. First I think, ummmm it's a droid not an iPhone you n00b, but second of all - this had NOTHING to do with my beats by dre and everything to do with the fact that I didn't see the ditch.

He continues to talk, and my normally zen self hit a breaking point and blurted out -

"words are coming out of your mouth right now. Let's change that."

He looks at me SHOCKED!

It's like motherfucker, I am STILL on the ground! I didn't need a "hey are you okay" but how about just going on with your business. Didn't your mama tell you that if you don't have anything nice to say you shouldn't say anything at all?

He then continues saying, "well maybe you should wear headphones and get killed."

I pipe up again as I pick my bike up.

"Words.

Mouth.

Shut.

It."

HAHAHA omg, I am so never one to say anything ever. This dude was clearly mad at life, and everything he was saying had nothing to do with me - but I think between the MASSIVE gash on my leg, and the bruise to my ego being sprawled out to the world like that ... I had had enough.

I manage to pick myself right back up, and continue on with my day.

My leg was throbbing, but I had no option in that scenario, I had to just keep on trucking.

I eventually wrapped up all of my errands, got on the bus, and am now at the office safe and sound - but here are some lessons that I've learned:

1. To bike in LA you have to have a death wish.

I am not even kidding you when I say riding a bike on the streets of LA is LITERALLY the scariest thing I have ever ever ever done. Stay on the sidewalk as much as possible (although yield to pedestrians), and take as many backstreets as you can to avoid the main roads. Dudes, people do NOT give you space - and again being road kill is SO last year.

2. If you're going to fall, stay calm.

You don't have a lot of time to think when you're about to fall - but the SECOND you realize you are about to go down, remember to stay calm. Had I tensed up there is NOOOO doubt in my mind that I should have broken a bone. You know how you hear about crazy drunk people surviving super gnarly shit because they were so drunk they didn't tense up? Same deal. Accept the fact that you are falling, and go with gravity - it is your friend.

3. Stand up on your bike to get more control.

This one took me a while to understand; I have a rip curl beach cruiser with back pedal brakes. Not the greatest in the world, but works for me - and the MOST IMPORTANT lesson I have learned from it is that when I have to break hard and FAST, I have to get up off the bike and throw my ENTIRE body into the back brake. Otherwise you are only isolating your calve muscles, and unless you have some super duper shiznat going on over there - it's not going to be enough to stop you. It seems counter intuitive to stand up on the bike, but trust - it really does give you more control.

So, there ya go duderinos! Oh and wanna see my war wound?

EPIC!!!

So, there ya go! That's how to not kill yourself riding a bike on the streets of LA. Also, I'm pretty stoked that I decided to buy a 6 pack of knee socks last week since it looks like I'm going to be needing them!