#NerdsUnite: My first adult heartbreak (PT. 7)
<editorsnote> In this series of posts, I hope to explore and examine my first adult relationship and subsequent heart break in the hopes of releasing what may or may not still be present. </editorsnote>
Alrite my sexy lover faces. You ready for the next part? Hereeeeeeee we go ... Here's part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, and part 6.
Here's the song that goes with the post ...
9 am the next morning came by so fast. I had packed up all my belongings, and was eager to get back to my life. I now knew that I wasn't crazy ... at all ... but I was still unsure of what to do next. What is causing me to feel this way? I thought. It's definitely not rational to want to kill yourself, but I just ... get things faster than most people. It sucks because there you are in your thought process ahead of people, and when you speak they just look at you all weird because you're saying things that haven't even entered into their thought process yet. From work to my personal life, I spoke fast - and had a freaky ability to connect the dots at a very fast rate. Bosses tend not to like that, nor do boyfriends.
I don't want to be weird, I thought - I just want to be fucking normal. Why can't I ever just be FUCKING NORMAL!!!!!!!
The doctor reiterated to me multiple times that I was going to have to find a way to channel my intelligence and creativity, or this would only keep happening.
Frustrated with myself, but at least confident to make a change ... somehow ... I sat by the nurses' station, and waited for Noah.
A few minutes after 9 the door opens and he's standing there.
Having not spoken to him the entire time I was in the hospital, I wasn't sure what to say.
I ran to hug him. As we embraced he kissed me on my forehead.
Where are your things, he asked?
It's just this bag. That's all I have.
Alrite, fine.
He asked the nurses if there was anything else he needed to do.
Nope, she filled out all the paperwork, you're free to take her.
Great. Thank you.
Let's go he said, cold and uninviting.
He grabs my bag.
We start walking down the corridor, I hang my head as we walk - embarrassed, ashamed.
How have you been, I asked in an attempt to break the ice.
Busy, he quickly replied. I have to go out of town in a week for this big project, and this is the last thing I needed. He pressed on, what happened to you?
I don't know. They gave me lithium, and a referral to a shrink. Maybe that's supposed to make me better. The doctors and nurses kept telling me how smart and creative I seem to be and that maybe I should reconsider my work.
Smart? he questioned, what kind of smart person tries to kill themselves?
ANNNNNNNNNNNDDDD there goes the knife to my heart. Yah, that hurt.
I didn't know what to say, I just remember looking up and into his big brown eyes and no longer seeing love - just disgust. He was so unbelievably ashamed of me as if this problem that I had was a reflection of him.
We walked out of the hospital and into his truck. I remember seeing day light for the first time without a fence in two days and feeling immediately vulnerable.
I climbed into his truck and curled myself into the fetal position - silent.
About a half hour later we arrived back at the house.
Gather your things - what time is your flight back to see your parents?
3pm.
Fine, I can take you after lunch. I have to go back to work, I'll see you in a few hours.
I love you, I say as I move in to kiss him.
He avoids my lips instead kissing my cheek.
Love you too.
I get out of the truck, and walk into the house my bag in tow. I walk upstairs to the bedroom that started this whole mess.
I stood in the middle of the room. Everything looked different now, I thought. The day seems brighter, the room seems cleaner, I don't get it. It's only been two days, how could things have changed this much?
At that point I proceeded to take a nap in our bed, and a few hours later packed up my belongings and prepared for my trip back east to see my parents.
A few hours later Noah came to pick me up, and took me to the airport. The car ride over was painful - he barely spoke a word. He stayed on his phone the entire time talking to anyone work related that would listen.
I placed my head in my hands wondering, what was I thinking? If Noah thought I was crazy before, he must KNOW I am now.
But I'm not crazy, I repeated to myself over and over. I'm not crazy!!! I'm just ... different.
We arrived at the airport, and Noah helped me out with my bags.
He hugged me, I love you, he said. But you have to get your shit together.
I know, I said holding back tears. I am working on it, I promise.
Good girl.
I then grabbed my bags and got on the plane back to the east coast.
I remember the moment we landed suddenly feeling a sense of dread - fml, I now have to talk to my parents.
If Noah was ashamed, embarrassed, and disgusted with me - what are my PARENTS going to think?!?!?
I walk off the tram, and down the airport aisle. I see both of my parents - they greet me with open arms.
HI HONEY!!! My mom screams.
She opens her arms to embrace me, as my dad also hugs me and grabs my bag.
Baby, we love you so much. How are you feeling?
I've seen better days, I replied. We then drove back to the house, and on the way back I got a text from Noah.
I look down ...
::Did you hear that Anna Nicole Smith died?::
Really? I thought
Hey mom and dad, did Anna Nicole Smith die?
We're not sure, they replied.
I take out my blackberry and go to cnn.com.
Top story: Anna Nicole Smith - dead.
Hmmmm, well that's gnarly I thought. I was also hopeful that me and Noah might be okay since he texted me. It might not have been what I was looking for (like hey! hope your flight was good, how are things with the parents ... anything really) - but a text with a current event certainly trumped the silent treatment.
Baby steps, I thought. Baby steps.
We arrive back at the house, my parents helped me unload the bags out of the car.
I walk into the kitchen, and sit down with a heavy heart knowing that now was the time they were going to have the "talk" with me.
<tangent> My parents spent all my life trying to make me happy. They fought for me to have a happy childhood, they fought for my me during the tough times with the people that my dad grew up with, they fought for me through ... everything. That's the problem though, when it comes to happiness, you have to WANT it. No one can fight for it for you - you have to make a conscious decision to make it happen for yourself. At that age, and at that point in my life, I wasn't ready. </tangent>
I waited patiently at the kitchen table. Both of my parents emerge from their room ... this is it, I thought. Deep breath Friel, you can do this.
My mom speaks first ...
Jennifer, we're really proud of you.
EEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!! The car screeches. Como say, WTF?!
You're proud of me? I asked
It took guts doing what you did, and going and getting help. Not many people are willing to admit they need help. You should be really proud of yourself for doing that.
Really? I asked
Yes really, my dad said.
Now we're going to put all of this aside for now, and give you some FUN this weekend!! How about that?! You've been working so hard sweetie, and I know things haven't been going so well with Noah. How about going to an amusement park?
Dude! Winner! Best parents ever!
My parents then took me to Busch Gardens, and we spent the entire weekend eating ice cream, riding roller coasters, and running around. Here are some actual pictures from that day ...
HAHA seriously!! Who has a nervous breakdown and then proceeds to spend the weekend at an amusement park? Insanity must be genetic.
The weekend flew by, and before I knew it I was back at the airport.
You can come back home my dad insisted. Maybe you just need a break from Los Angeles for awhile, it's a tough city.
Thank you, but no dad. My life is there, I just have to figure out how to collect the pieces and have it all make sense again.
We love you, daughter.
I love you too mom and dad.
I then got on my flight, and was picked up back at the airport by Noah.
I jumped into his truck with a new sense of excitement and wonder.
I had the GREATEST weekend, I said. It was SOOOO good to see my parents!!! How are you?
I have to go out of town, Jen. Are you going to be okay?
Wait, where are you going?
I'm traveling for work, and I'll be gone for three weeks.
Mind you, this was RIIIGGHHHTTT before Valentines day.
Are you serious? I asked. You're not going to be home for Valentines day?
No, I'm sorry, he said matter of fact.
<tangent> Remember Noah was my first real relationship, and hence would also be my FIRST real Valentine. I was very very very very VERY much looking forward to a date on Valentines day. It hit me like a ton of bricks that this wasn't going to happen. </tangent>
Ah fuck. Well, work comes first, so go do what you have to do. I forced out a smile.
A few days later Noah left for his trip, I was devastated.
How can I be alone on Valentines day, I thought? This is my first real relationship, and I FINALLY have a boyfriend on Valentines day, yet no Valentine. Fuck.
On the 14th, I come home from work and see flowers outside. It was this glass swan shaped vase, with a single white rose in it along with the card.
The card said three words - I love you.
::SWOON::
Fine, fine, fine, we're getting back on track, I thought.
The next few weeks of Noah's trip were filled with highs and lows. I had started taking the lithium at that point, and it really started to fuck with me. I went from crying on the phone to Noah telling him how much I missed him, to being a complete zombie.
<tangent> Dudes, I am not even kidding you - lithium is HARDCORE!!! I was only on it for a few weeks, but I have never in my life felt stronger that I should NOT have been prescribed something. I would go to speak, and my voice would literally sound like it was coming out of someone else's body. I don't know how else to describe it other than that was the worst fucking feeling I have ever felt. HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE!!!!! I WASN'T EVEN FUCKING EVALUATED FOR IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! The doctor asked me ONE question, I gave a semi-answer for a DISTANT relative and I was fucking put on LITHIUM!!! UUUUGGHHHHHHH!!! I can still spit bullets with the anger I have over being on that fucking drug. Stupid fucking DOCTORS!!!!!!!!!!!!! </tangent>
I don't honestly remember much of that time, but I do have my journals - and they are all over the place. I go from tear stained pages, to writing about how much I love Noah. It's fucking bat shit, man. I'm not at all bi-polar and why on EAAAARRRRRTTHHHHH someone would put you on something like that without a proper evaluation is BEYOND me.
Either way, that's the truth - I don't remember much ... but I do remember upon Noah's return, I was contemplating getting my own place.
I loved Noah, I really did - but I needed space. I wasn't sure what was going on with me mentally with all the medicine, but I woke up one morning with the sharp realization that I needed to stand on my own two feet.
We can still be together, I thought - we just don't have to live together.
I don't remember how I talked to Noah about it, but I do remember him agreeing that we could both use some space, and come the first week of March - I moved into a studio apartment near downtown.
The first night I was officially moved in I celebrated by reverting back to my weird single self behavior - like taking pictures of yourself doing backbends and posting them on Myspace ...
I genuinely don't know why I wanted to do this ... but it felt good doing weird creative shit and not feeling judged for it.
Hells bells, if I want to take pictures of myself doing gymnastics - by gosh I fucking will!!!
I never would have been able to do something like this at Noah's place without him thinking I was off my rocker.
The next few weeks were filled with nothing but screaming matches with Noah. The fights that we used to have where I would drive off in my beetle were now elevated with me having my OWN place, and being able to leave all together.
Every time I left he would scream, don't come back this time!! ... and one time May I didn't.
May 23, 2007. This is my actual journal entry ...
It says ... AND I QUOTE:
Noah and I broke up today. I am absolutely heartbroken. He's all laughs and smiles like nothing is phasing him. I honestly pictured spending the rest of my life with him. Stupid me. What was I thinking. I think what hurts the most is the loss of a family. He made a family out here for me. Another loss. I'll dance on. Ironic there is a heart above this entry. =( fucker
(The above entry had a heart randomly drawn on the page.)
I don't remember what sparked the fight that finally ended things, nor did I write about it. I just remember being back at his place getting something for work, and talking to him on the phone. We started bitching at each other, and one of us said that they were done.
Either he or I said, fine! And just like that - we were done.
Honestly, we had been fighting like cats and dogs for months at that point, and I think we were both just exhausted.
That night I remember crying myself to sleep - not out of sadness though, but out of confusion on what to do next. If Noah isn't going to be in my life, what am I supposed to do now?
I looked over at my pill bottles.
Lithium.
Xanax.
Klonopin.
I smacked all the bottles to the ground. No more. Phase 1 of new life, no more fucking pills!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hated. Hated. HAAAATTEEEEEDDDDDD being on medication. HAAAATTTTEEEEDDD IT!!!! It never made me feel good, it just turned me into this fucking zombie - but it's what the doctors told me to do! Who was I to question what the doctor thought was good for me?
The next morning I woke up determined to first get off all of the medicine. My heart wasn't ready to focus on Noah, but I knew the next step was going to require a clear head - and being on all those pills had to go.
The doctor advised me not to go off cold turkey, and over the next few days I was weaned off of my medicine. (I believe it might have even taken a few weeks before all was said and done - but don't quote me. I don't have that part written in my journal.)
Either way, those first few days coming off of the medicine felt AAHHH-MAAAZZZIINNNNGGGG!!! I started to FEEL again, something my zombie state didn't allow for.
The sky looked blue-er, the grass looked green-er. As cliche as it sounds, I very literally felt like I was being re-born. Yes yes yes yes yes!
The days were rejuvenated, but the nights were long.
Noah and I barely spoke during that time. I still had a few things back at his house that I had to collect, but other than that - he wanted nothing to do with me.
I didn't necessarily want anything to do with him either, but the sudden loss of my best friend was jarring for a loner. The clearer my head became, the less I realized I liked the thoughts inside of it.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't love you.
No one loves you.
You're so stupid.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I can't do this anymore!!! I need a rebound, I thought.
I then remembered that that weekend I had been invited to the Playboy Mansion for their annual summer party. I turned the offer down initially because I had been dating Noah, but after a few calls and emails - my RSVP was changed.
If this doesn't cure my blues, nothing will.
That weekend, I grabbed Noah's favorite piece of lingerie and wore that ... and ONLY that to the Playboy mansion. Well, I take that back - I also paired it with stripper heels ...
With each click of the camera, I smiled thinking FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!! I am totally posting this shit on Myspace.
(Click here to see the entire gallery. TRUST, these are NSFW, and Mom and Dad don't you DARE look!!!!)
It's funny too, none of my friends had received an invite to the party ... just me ... so I went alone and was SO READY for a good time I made a shit ton of new friends.
As far as rebounding went, however, I couldn't do it. Yes I posed for pictures in as many sexual positions as possible with guys, but it was all for show, and all for Myspace. Noah was my heart, and although it was hurting, I wasn't ready to do anything with anyone else. A prude I will be til the day I die. Dude, I look like such a badass in those photos!!! But I couldn't even look at another guy, let alone make out, let alone actually bone.
I left the party early nursing my wounds. I walked to the front driveway of the Playboy Mansion, my eyes starting to tear up. UUUGGHHHHHHH!!!! This feels so horrible. I don't want guys touching me - I don't know what I'm doing. I took all the pictures, I'll post them, hopefully he'll see them, and hopefully he will hurt as much as I hurt right now.
Yes, I thought. Yes! That will feel good. I don't even have to stay any longer, I've gotten what I came for.
I then asked one of the chauffeurs where the shuttles were.
They're not coming for another hour, he said.
I need to leave, I said. Is there any way I can get someone to take me home? Anyone?
I'll give you a ride, he said.
And BOOOMMM just like that, I got a ride home from the Playboy Mansion in a Rolls Royce.
HAHA!! I kid you not, and I'm totes still friends with the dude that gave me the lift. He didn't want me walking back in just my lingerie - and he wasn't doing anything, and I was a hot chick half naked in distress. I mean COMMMEEE ONNN!!!!
(You're shuttled onto the mansion grounds from a parking structure in Century City about 15 minutes away from the mansion. Kinda walkable, but I most likely would have been arrested - dude, I was in STRIPPER HEELS!!)
I went home that night and posted all of the photos on Myspace. I intentionally set all of the privacy settings to public.
YESSS!!! I thought, this is totally going to hurt him!!!!
::click:: PUBLISH
ANNNNNNDDDD we're done with this chapter. Little did I know however, that not too long Noah would have his own online announcement, and it would absolutely devastate me. Fuck, karma is a bitch.
#kthxbye
