#TrueStory: The condom got stuck

Sep 26

I love it when old friends come into town ... the stories you are reminded of are often pretty epic. Like the time the condom got stuck in my who-ha (mom and dad ... now would be a good time to leave).

I was having sex with this guy I was dating, and it was pretty good. Not wham bam thank you ma'am, but nice and sweet. Pretty appropriate considering his personality, no complaints ... then when all was said and uh done, I was on top. I don't know the scientific nature of what really happened, if it was too much semen, or too much lovin on my part ... but I dismounted, and he went into the bathroom to take the condom off. He walks back in the room and goes "it's gone."

I sit up a bit, after trying to fix my hair and do the normal - yes, this is how hot I look after sex ... and go what do you mean it's gone? What's gone?

The condom, he replies.

I didn't know at that point to laugh my ass off, or just go wtf?! I did a half chuckle half HUH? Like the kind you see in really really really bad horror movies right before the person ends up with a pitchfork in their eye.

We then tore apart the bed. It was like an entire village of blankets decided to form a colony - finding one little condom among the afghans, comforters, and sheets was just exhausting.

I then said, wait a minute ... let me check something ... went into the bathroom, and did a little fishing. Only with my fingers not a fishing rod. Only up inside of me and not on a pond in the middle of a lake in New Hampshire.

I came back, and said - it wasn't there ... and we continued to search. I could literally feel nothing btw, I mean this search lasted for a solid 15 minutes. It was like a super greedy magical little sperm fairy came down and took off with the condom leaving us none the wiser. Was so effin weird.

We were laughing pretty much the entire time, as I can only date a guy with a good sense of humor ... finally it hit me - drink lots of water, and see if anything "pops" out. I drank a glass of water, and went into the bathroom - and alas, I felt somethin a little funky in my junky. I grabbed it out, and came back in the room literally laughing my ass off.

Dude, I had no idea this was even possible. Again, I have no idea how exactly it happened - but yes, like the awesomeness that is tying a knot in a cherry stem at a bar, my vajayjay can take a condom off entirely during sex.