Dear #brother, I miss you ...

Sep 15

So, part of this whole personal growth change thing I went through, caused a gnarly rift between my brother and I. For reals, I never used to go more than a day or two in talking to him over the last twenty-five years ... now its been almost three months without a word. Our last conversation was less than pleasant ... it wasn't until about a month or so later, that I actually tried calling him. Honestly, had less to do with holding a grudge and more of just the fact that things really do get that busy. I know when people say they are "too busy, oh I didn't get a chance to call." I used to say, there are 24 usable hours in every day ... blah blah blah. No for reals, I am a crazy stupid busy human being. Between the film, running this site, managing all the content providers, figuring out the boundaries of a lifecaster, and consulting for the crowd that is currently providing me with my office space and a room - things get hectic. I'm not remotely using this as an excuse ... but if you don't understand the environment, you never will.

I broke some pretty rad and deep rooted hereditary patterns in my family when I started my journey of personal growth. We were all just too enmeshed. It's just not healthy. You need to know what you bring to the dinner table, and what you add to the mix. I needed to know where I started and where they all ended. That of course, was met with resentment. When you take 6 xanax, 4 klonopin, 2 risperidol (sp?), and 1 lamictal just to get through the day ... I think there is something wrong.

In Connecticut, things are different, and if you're not from there ... it's hard to understand. We aren't raised that if something isn't working, we should change it. In CT, we are raised if we don't like something, put on a pair of pearls smack a smile on your face, and shut the hell up. We have this weird condition to loyalty and flat out misery. Studies have even PROOVVEENNNN that back east, people are not as happy!! WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS!!!!! I am crazy, stupid, creative ... and I just suppressed it forever because I didn't really have a proper outlet. I can't draw, paint, or sculpt ... loved to act, but acting jobs come and go ... social media is my art form. This website IS my art! I am a digital artist, lifecaster.

Conducting social experiments in social media is my way of life. I REFUSE REFUSE REFUSE to be unhappy.

Spent way too long doing so. I want my brother back in my life, but I'm also not going to change. If this new person is someone he doesn't want to be around ... as sad as it makes me say this, I can honestly say I can live without my brother. I am at a state of consciousness that is freakishy not attached to anything. However, I don't want that. I don't want that remotely. I love my brother more than anything ... hes been my built in best friend for 25 years.

I've made a lot of sacrafices for this website. From personal safety from being homeless, to sanity ..."is this actually going to work" - constantly plagues my brain. I can honestly say, I know it's working. I see the analytics. But its bittersweet. I know through and through though, I still wouldn't change a thing. Wallowing in misery with another person isn't healthy. You have to rise above and find your own happiness. If someone doesn't understand that fact, you really do have to just let it be. I know it all works out in the end, but life is just so short, and so precious. Just makes me sad.