Strip Club Etiquette from a #Vegas Local

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @jfuckingc

"hey james, what are ya up to?"
"i'm dying from friction burn against my zipper, what do you think??"

for starters, no one plans to go to a strip club early in the evening (except me) so to shine some light on the subject, here we go.

1.  Pre Party.
most strip clubs are pretty god damned pricy.  from the get go i recommend either drinking prior to or going to a local familiar place where you can get a good deal on booze and taking extreme advantage of the situation.  and by "extreme advantage of the situation," i'm talking drink so much liquor your central nervous system is having a hard time keeping up with things you learned from the first grade.

2.  Smoking
smoking is gross and unforgivable, if you ask me.  i am not a smoker, however any club/bar/whatever that offers hookah at a reasonable price you should jump on like a fat kid on a cupcake.  "why should i do this?  you just said smoking is gross, stupid ass!"  well, the plus side to getting your own hookah at a strip club is the fact that every semi naked broad in the joint wants to sit on your lap and vacation in flavor country.  this may in fact seem kinda gross and invasive, but any club worth their salt will offer personal mouth pieces per person smoking on said hookah.  and with that said, always choose Double Apple flavor, as that shit will seriously fuck you up and make you wonder why you're feet aren't touching the floor (trust me, you're touching the floor, you only feel like you're flying, this feeling will pass after an hour...or two, who knows).

3.  Drinks
strip clubs are expensive as fuck.  "$15 a redbull/vodka?? you've gotta be fist fucking me son!!!"  avoid all drink prices.  you didn't come to a strip club to voice just how much money you're made of because even if you can afford the retarded ass drink prices, the waitress isn't gonna tell the stripper you've been eye-fucking how much money you're worth.  the ideal plan is to find a strip club that offers free liquor all night as long as you're a local (god i love Vegas when it comes to this).  "hell yeah i'd like a double, here's you're dollar tip, keep 'em coming, and don't bother me with anything else."

4.  Strippers
you didn't actually come for free booze (well, really i did, but hotties walkin round in porn attire is a pretty good bonus).  at some point some broad is gonna drop down on your lap like a dream come true and then speak a few dreaded words "hey sweetie, do you wanna dance?"  .... well hell fuckin yes i wanna dance, but i'm not here to spend $20 god damned dollars for you to grind your vag on me for 3 god damned minutes hooker!!  let some broad with daddy issues drop down on your lap (trust me, they will, you don't even need to grab their attention) and wait for them to advance with the "do you want a dance, sweetie?"  act like a stupid broke asshole.  "a dance?  i just got here.  maybe after i finish this drink.  what's your name? (you don't care) blah blah blah (you still don't care)"  trust me, this formula will work.

...ideally, you wanna treat dancers droppin down on your lap like a speed dating session without actually learning their actual names, phone numbers, interests, etc.

"speed dating??"  hells fuckin yeah.  strip clubs are the ideal speed dating locale if you're a dude (or the most awesome woman on the planet),  50% of the time you're gonna meet the hottie who has no problem talking to you while she wears a g-string, talking about her favorite movies, music, and if you're lucky (me, what up!) video games.

5.  Fail
sounds dumb and shallow (trust me, it is) but if you follow my shallow dumb advice, you'll have no problem meeting women who wear less than the pretend girlfriend you tell your friends you have.

after a few hours of this, you'll either be so dumbfounded from drinking double whiskey waters and rockin' hookah smoke (me) that even if you don't meet the dancer of your dreams (not me) that you'll leave and be hungry enough to drive to the local Denny's (me, sometimes) that you'll probably hit on the waitress bringing you bottomless coffee and still have a good fucking Wednesday night.

this has been speed dating/stripper pick up advice from a local expert, if you have any questions...slam a few 40's and send me any further questions ;)

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