an open letter to my latest follower

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MikeDelic          

dear @adultsexygifts,    

not that i have anything against sex dolls, i actually have one, of a sort anyway.  i call it my hand, and it works fine thank you very much.  what i'd really like to know is, who is the marketing genius that came up with your twitter strategy?  is it one of the dolls?  i mean seriously you must be under the impression that sex dolls sell themselves.  i am sorry to inform you that this is an erroneous assumption.  cockrings may sell themselves, and buttplugs, and maybe doubledongs, but sex dolls do not.  if you want to sell more sex dolls you are going to have to be a little more creative, and even then, you wont get any business from me.  i already own a bunch of weird sexy shit including an impressively large collection of scrotum clamps and a one terabyte external hard drive full of the finest pornography that germany and japan have ever produced.  but i dont want to be one of those creepy people who gets a lifesized sex doll.  if i really wanted to make love to a woman made of plastic that badly i would just move to los angeles.

not that i'm not curious.  i mean, i have always wondered how realistic they felt, and tho i'd heard some testimony back when i used to listen to howard stern i understand that such judgments are highly subjective and that beauty is in the eye (or whathaveyou) of the beholder, moreso in this case than in the case of certain other things, like double rainbows, which everyone loves and can work themselves into orgasms over with relative ease.  and i am willing to admit that as effective as my current sexdoll/hand is i sometimes yearn for something more, although i dont think that one of your sexdolls is the thing for me.  on the one hand i'm guessing that they dont talk, and that seems cool, but on the other hand they probably cant make sandwiches either, which is most definitely uncool.  now, judging by the complete lack of creativity in your tweets i am guessing that you lack the requisite ingenuity to make a sex doll that can make me a sandwich.  that is a shame.  tho i guess if it could do that it would be more like a robot than a doll.  a sex robot i could maybe go for.  tho a sandwich-making robot would be even better.  come to think of it i dont even really care about the sex.  a robot that could make sandwiches and go to the store and get me coffee and cigarettes, that is what i really want in life.  where can i get one of those?

yours truly, @mikedelic

p.s. i hope you get gored by a rampaging elephant with aids on its tusks.  xo