Why you should go see #KnightAndDay ...
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @bigdpitchas
As I walked into the old folks film Knight and Day, I questioned the entertainment value of a movie (or, as old people call it, a “talkie”) so bland and instantly obsolete. Would I be able to find any truth or relevance in the performance of quadragenarian Tom Cruise, with his once human, but now craggy, broken down physique? And what about the unappealing embarrassment of Cameron Diaz– with her vile, weathered face; ravaged by time. Were they really playing the main characters, or just like someone’s grandparents? “If Cameron Diaz wears a bikini in this,” I thought, “I’m gonna throw up.” Sure enough, 51 minutes in, she presented herself to the world in the tragic insufficiency of her two piece-clad, corpselike frame. Not since Godzilla lumbered from the wastes of the Pacific– I spilled my stomach contents all over the floor, hoping to lose consciousness from the momentary lack of oxygen. This movie was a waking fever nightmare that would forever be seared into the darkest recesses of my mind and soul.
Or at least, that’s the reaction everyone else is having.
See, the grim reality is that no one is going to see this movie. The box office projections were catastrophic, and it’s indeed shaping up to be one of the worst openings of Tom Cruise’s career, which is devastating considering the budget that went into it. Now, when measuring the success of a film, I think box office is maybe the least relevant consideration (especially today). But why is no one coming out? Apparently, no one’s interested. They’re saying Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are no longer the draws they once were. They used to be big stars, but are now getting too old and not registering with younger moviegoers. So, uh… WHO IS A BIG STAR, IF NOT TOM CRUISE AND CAMERON DIAZ? ROBERT PATTINSON AND KRISTEN STEWART? THEIR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT IS GETTING CAST IN A SHITTY VAMPIRE FRANCHISE. THEY HAVEN’T REALLY EARNED YOUR LOVE. WHO ELSE DO YOU LIKE? WHAT ABOUT OPTIMUS PRIME? HE OPENS BIG.
The irony is that Knight and Day is perfect for you fucking brats. It’s filled with deliberately preposterous stunts and plot twists that could only ever exist in a heightened reality where everything is badass and fun. Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are so hot, they’re inhuman. Their beauty is that of no less than gods. And the movie has an ORIGINAL THEME SONG BY THE BLACK EYED PEAS. You little twits are the ideal audience for this goofy blockbuster, and you’re actually dismissing it because your head is too far up your ass for you to really appreciate anything about anything. The audience I saw this with consisted mostly of people who seemed to be in their 30’s and 40’s, and they ate it up, because they know how to have real fun. I’m in my 20’s, and I fucking loved this movie. It gave me JOY. And it didn’t aspire to be anything beyond a competently-assembled ride full of action, romance, and laughs. A lot of people will condemn it as a bad movie. You can be sure those are people whose taste is so unrefined, they can only classify art in broad strokes. “Oh, that movie? That’s a… bad movie.”
Between this and MacGruber, I’m shocked at this trend of super fun date movies being mauled and left for dead at the box office while real pieces of shit make hundreds of millions of dollars because they were marketed correctly. Sometimes I wish all film marketing was regulated to standard 30-second teasers and equal product tie-ins, so that moviegoers could have a say in how a release is perceived. But that of course can never be. Knight and Day is doomed to a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure, and that sucks, because it’s a good-hearted, worthwhile, and, yes, old-fashioned romp. Here’s a wild idea: Go experience this thing for yourself and see if you’re still capable of having a good time.
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